The Bartender

There was a program on our local television channel called My Life one Tuesday afternoon at 16:00 where ordinary people are interviewed. I turn the telly on at 16:59 to watch Countdown then one day I misread my watch and turned it on at 15:59 — I know, how stupid is that and me supposed to be so clever at maths. Actually I am clever at maths and that’s not bragging because it is true. On Countdown players pick six numbers and have to use them to make a random number, sometimes the lady expert and contestants cannot solve the problem even though it is easy. And the random numbers are not truly random because…

Enough!

Enough about Countdown, I wanted to tell you about the time I watched My Life, there was a group of retired men from some social club saying how men nowadays started off wrong, not the way it was supposed to be when they were young. 

One old fella said ‘a man should have a local’ and the others agreed saying that having a local pub where you are a regular is an important stage in becoming a proper man. They all nodded along and agreed before they began talking about immigration, an argument started and the advertisements cut in even though they weren’t due for four minutes sixteen-seconds.

Are you still awake? All I had planned to say was that I am eighteen, a man in the eyes of the law and I want to be a proper man so I am making The Kings Arms my local pub. I didn’t randomly pick The Kings Arms, that would be sheer madness, I followed the advice given by Eric on My Life and visited every pub within ten minutes walking distance of my bedsit before making my choice. 

A bar has to feel right from the time you walk in, have at least one busty barmaid, have bar stools, have comfy seats, have booths, not be a yuppie pub and not have a fireplace — all essential features of a good local Eric said. Apart from not having a fireplace that is, that was my idea, bats or even worse could come down a chimney. The Kings Arms fulfilled all of my requirements and I announced to the suitably busty barmaid that I would be treating The Kings Arms as my local henceforth.

‘I am pleased to know that…to be a true regular you should just say Kings’ Ann said

‘Who else works at Kings?’ I said in order to begin getting the ancillary information necessary for my role as a regular. Ann told me Alan was the landlord and Angela the other barmaid and Alan’s daughter Andrea, ‘does your name have to begin with A to work here?’

‘Of course’ Ann shook her head and laughed as she went to serve a man who had just arrived. 

———//———

‘What do you think of Edmunds new girlfriend’ Andrea said quietly to me, she is eighteen as well and works behind the bar Monday and Tuesday nights and likes to gossip. 

As a regular I take part in gossip, but only the harmless stuff, ‘she is cute’ I pause like I have seen them do in soaps on telly, ‘but not as cute as you’ 

Andrea leans in an kisses my cheek ‘you are such a shameless flirt’

‘You bring it out in me’ I say and she smiles. I am getting better at talking to people my social worker says, the soaps are good to learn from as I find it hard to read people and my Aspergers does not help my social worker says. Well, apart from my math skills that is I always add. 

Kings is nearly empty, Andrea and I continue to chat ‘have you heard that mum moved out?’

I nod and look suitably glum the way people on soaps do when bad things happen ‘I saw Esme’s removals van Andrea’ secretly I’m not surprised that someone with a name beginning E didn’t fit in at Kings.

‘I haven’t told Dad yet but I’m going to live with her’ Andrea whispers and puts a finger to her lips. 

Next time I go to Kings Alan is serving ‘why don’t you give it a try?’ He suggests.

———//———

My social worker agrees that it is a good idea and I take over what had been Andreas shifts. After the first couple of weeks I settle in, more like my own private game show than work as I keep peoples running totals in my head. 

‘It has been such a quiet night, worst Monday I can remember’ Alan said as we sat at the bar after closing. 

‘£473.97, that is £16.22 more than last Monday and £1.38 below average for a Monday’ I said as I drank some tea and added, ‘since I started’ Alan had that same face he used to pull over me drinking tea. He had even looked angry or surprised when I had corrected him by telling him that tea was the perfect bedtime drink.  

Alan pressed the total button on the till and it spewed out the nights figures, ‘biggest round?’

’£24.88’ I answered

‘Second biggest?’

’£14.62’

‘Smallest?’

I was having fun ‘£0.45, a box of matches, is there a prize?’

‘Yes, you get to go home…wait…that was mean of me’ Alan smiles ‘how about if I let you work Wednesday night with Ann as your prize?’

———//———

‘It is going to be a busy night, how are you settling in at Kings Danny?’ Ann said

‘Much better than had I expected Ann’ I said, she looked puzzled I guessed so I elaborated, ‘me being a D and all’

Ann laughed ‘you have Andrea to thank, she told Alan to give you a chance despite you being a D’ I was busy bottling up while Ann put beermats on tables, ‘take a drink Danny but go easy a group are coming in at 9’

‘You know I don’t use alcohol, anyway Alan should be in with my tea soon’

‘In your dreams’ Ann said. 

When she walked back to the bar, I took a sip from my mug of green tea and smirked. People filtered in twos and fours, I began to wonder if they were grouping outside like they do at a meeting of The Even Number Society when a group of three walked in and everyone began to sing happy birthday. While they all were busy singing Ann said ‘notice anything strange?’

‘They all arrived in evens apart from one group of three’

‘Well everyone noticed that of course. I meant how some women look sort of man like’ Ann said with a smirk. I noticed a person sitting on Ann’s blindside along the bar who seemed to be alone and listening, she had a drink so I ignored her as it would be rude of me not to share my knowledge with Ann. 

I said ‘Andrea explained to me about Wednesdays’ Ann began shushing me, ’if I whisper you won’t be able to hear me explaining over the background noise’ I plowed on repeating exactly what Andrea had told me, ‘some are crossdressers, some transgender, some lesbian, some gay and even a few straights thrown in for good measure…I am surprised you did not already know that Ann’

We used the till but took no money for an hour as one of the customers had a tab. Alan came through into the bar, announced the tab was closed then spoke to the woman who had been listening at the bar. I was summoned, Alan said ‘how much is the tab?’

‘£214.67’ 

‘I’m Peggie ie not y’ a male voice said to me from inside a woman’s body, ‘I was listening to your explanation to your colleague earlier’

Thinking it probably best to follow Peggies lead I said ‘Danny with a y not ie. I wanted to ensure that Ann understood properly to save any awkward moments, I hope I didn’t offend you’

Alan was walking back with the till figures for the tab, ‘how much did you say?’ 

Before I could answer Peggie said ‘Danny said £214.67’ Alan handed him the print-out, ‘£214.67 cool trick, how do you do it?’

I smiled ‘everyone has their own superpower, mine is numbers’ Alan had wandered away, ‘I really should be getting back to work’

‘I have a club, Angles, a couple of roads away, could use another bartender Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Come in Thursday at 8 if you are interested’

———//———

‘How did your first night go and will you be back tomorrow?’ Peggie said 

I nodded and said ‘I enjoyed myself and would like to come back please’ as tired as I felt at 05:16 the adrenaline kept me bright, ‘it’s the first time I have ever been out all night’ 

Paperboys were delivering the mornings papers and dogs were busy walking their owners as I walked home deep in thought wondering if the others at Angles found me as unusual as I found them, all except Riria that is. If Andrea was cute then Riria is super cute, I’m trying to remember what I overheard one of the customers say that everyone found funny and earnt him a kiss on the cheek at the same time…she is an 8, perhaps 9 in two beers time…I think that’s right, well that is Riria.

I think it is a line from a Streets song but it sounded good in real life and that is what Angles feels like to me, not a song come to life but a film come to life. The club is like that film with Cher in…at least in my head it is…I make a note to fall asleep watching it online.

‘If you thought last night was busy just wait till we open, you will think it’s fucking mental’ the bar manager said. I was in early, before the doors opened, for training which amounted to pretty much the same as I did in Kings, ‘any questions so far?’ Pete said

‘What pronoun do you use?’ I said, Pete looked…confused…I decided so I explained what pronouns were. Pete still seemed confused so I put it in simple terms, ‘should I use him or her?’

‘We were job training why are you asking me this out of the blue now?’

‘To make sure I do not embarrass you…it is really important to get off on the right foot with people’ 

‘He/him’ Pete finally confirmed. Based on my online research I had temporarily placed Pete in the ‘lesbian’ category as he wore trousers and shirt same as me, wore mens shoes, had a male haircut and did not wear make-up. My confusion arose because Pete made no effort to hide his breasts and I could see the outline of his bra. Confusion over I located Pete permanently in the lesbian category and added one to the score I kept on an imaginary blackboard my head…this months running totals; right 27, wrong 13.

The other staff began to arrive half hour before opening time giving me a chance to make a cup of green tea in the staff room. Riria looked like a normal girl when she arrived — I mean dressed in the sort of clothes girls wear shopping or at a café, when she came out of the locker room she wore a tiny skirt and a top that showed most of her breasts. I stared into my tea and could my ears felt hot, a blush was arriving.

‘You working looking like that? Haven’t you got a “look” yet?’ Riria said as she waggled her fingers around “look” ‘everyone needs a look to work in Angles’

‘You mean like hair or something? Men have to wear white shirt and black trousers, it’s the uniform’ I said

‘This is my look, still black white uniform but tarty’ Riria giggled, ‘mum would have a fit if she knew’

‘I know…you mean like that film Burlesque where all the people had their own look

Riria nodded ‘exactly, I could be Ali and you could be Jack just like we are in Burlesque…shall I fem our Jack up a bit Peggie?’

Peggie smiled ‘what do you think Danny y not ie?’

Riria set to work, ‘just some liner and even out skin’ it only took a few seconds, ‘all done…no peeking till break’

‘Good idea, get used to how others react to your “look” from the inside first Danny while enjoying all the admiring looks’ Peggie said

My mid evening break time was same time as Pete. I put the kettle on, took the envelope from my pocket and dropped a tea bag in my cup. ‘What the hell is that?’ Pete said. Like the legal equivalent of a coke dealer I held out the envelope for him to take a baggie. Pete slurped, ‘not bad, you always drink this?’ I nodded, ‘I love the Jack face, and you know Peggie told to me she hopes it will become your look…’

When I slipped into the locker room where the make-up mirror lives and checked out my “look” it was the first time I had ever looked in the mirror and liked what I saw, pulling out my iPhone I took a picture of my “look”

———//———

Saturday night I stood in front of the mirror while Riria did my look, ‘you need to get your own stuff Dan, I might not always have time to do it for you’ she kissed my cheek, ‘all done…I’ll write down what you need, I get mine in the cosmetics department at Fengriggs store’

Everyone began making their way to the bar for a nightcap as we finished our tasks once the last customer had left. I slipped into the break room and made tea then took a stool on the end of the bar. Peggie handed out envelopes with our names on then the weeks tips were poured out onto the bar and divided up. I felt rich as I walked home, I had never had so much money in my pocket before.

At Kings the regulars joked with me about my working at Angles, Andrea came into the bar while I was at work Monday night, she was back living above Kings she told me. I told her about my job at Angles then said ‘I could go back to being a regular if you would like your shifts back’

I was pleased on so many levels, Andrea was back, like a proper man, I would be a regular at my local again. My social worker said, and I agreed with her, that working so many nights was ‘too much’ for me. 

Andrea leant over the bar and planted a wet kiss right on my lips, first the pocket full of money and now a lip kiss…another first. Someone called out ‘get a room you two’

We swapped sides of the bar straight off and now I was a regular again my fellow regulars began ribbing me about kissing Andrea. 

Not wanting to buy make-up when the store was heaving I settled on first thing Wednesday as there were few people in the high street then. The cosmetics department, like all stores, was super smart and well lit. I had timed my visit perfectly, all of the sales assistants stood in a group while a woman in a dress spoke to them, each counter had a sign over showing the brand and the one I needed was, I considered, a safe distance away from the group.

I had memorised Riria’s list and began selecting the items I needed when a click of heels on marble neared, ‘I came to see if you needed any help but I see you seem to be managing fine’ she smiled, her label declared her to be Helen, ‘did she ask for waterproof?’

My turn to smile, ‘no…it’s for work’

As if she were sensing that I might provide a distraction on a dull midweek morning Helen hopped up on a stool and patted the seat of the adjacent one ‘tell me more if you have time, these stools are so comfy…’ 

Soon we had had been joined by a couple of colleagues who opened and shut stock cupboards for reasons best known to themselves while their ears swivelled in my direction as I explained to Helen about Angles and how everyone had a “look” I even wiggled my fingers and she nodded as if she had anticipated that finger wiggling would take place.

She squinted at the picture of Jack on my phone, ‘hey search for Jack in that film Burlesque on the iPad’ she said to the cupboard fetishists.

‘Jack…is that the guy in the skirt?’ One of the cupboard fetishistists  said

‘No Molly, you mean the one who gets it on with Christina what’s her name don’t you…’ Helen smiled and waited

‘Danny with a y not ie’ 

The three of them smiled but Molly spoke, ‘well Danny with a y not ie, does your work look include a skirt?’ 

Helen said ‘as you are already sitting on the makeover stool why not let Rebecca teach you how to create a perfect Jack face?’ I was the only customer in Fengriggs cosmetics department, loving the attentions of three sales associates and in no hurry to be gone. 

I had never had anyone take any interest in me like Rebecca. She said ‘just a touch of bronze to add a touch of shape to your cheeks’ then one suggestion followed close on the back of another; you really should get your eyebrows squared, imagine this look with jet black hair and black trousers or did you say you did wear a skirt at work? You know some girls would find that super hot in a man. 

Helen and Molly piled in with support from time to time until they eventually pronounced me “good enough for now” and held the iPad next to the mirror for my opinion. 

It was as if Jack stared back at me, I get the black hair, thick square brows thing but they had done a wonderful job with a bit of toner and I did not hold back with my praise as I paid for the cosmetics and left.

I was on the receiving end of some sniggers as I wandered the mall, mostly from men and one or two older women. Even so I was not in the mood to go back into my shell, well bedsit I mean, and I headed to the food hall. The server smiled, nice smile not smirk, as she passed my tea and I sat at a table alone like a weirdo on a bus. ‘Mind if I sit here?’ A cute mid twenties girl said.

———//———

I’m not sure who spotted my “look” first when I arrived at Angles, but whoever the guilty party was they certainly set the gossip mill in motion, nothing was said and no-one wanted to be caught looking until Pete arrived and said ‘time for managers inspection, stand up’ I twirled the way girls do just to get all of the furtive glances over and done with. 

Peggie was deep in conversation but still smiled when I walked past. There was a new girl Hana on bar duty with me, well I say new, she had been on table service my first week, ‘can I take break with Danny as it is quiet Pete?’

‘So is it Danny with a ie or y?’ Hana said

‘Why is that such a thing here, what is the difference?’

‘If you were into guys it would be ie’

I guess Hana is around my age, she came across as confident in our snatched one line conversations earlier, ‘will be with a y then’ I said with a nervous laugh. 

Hana picked up on it straight away and said ‘you’ll soon fix that here’ as she opened her locker, ‘it’s been bugging me all evening…here’ she searched her purse, smiled and held out a lipstick ‘black cherry…just like the guy in that film you like. 

I made two teas and handed Hana one, as she peered into the cup I said ‘Fukamushi Ryokucha, from a teabag but it’s still pretty good’ Hana was busy typing away in Line on her phone. I smiled as I thought of a YouTube I had watched about tapping Japanese girls.

Saturday came around, I still hadn’t seen Riria. Before Angles opened I asked Pete about her, ‘you mean you haven’t heard…she phoned Peggie, a friend of her father saw her working here last week and she had to leave, working in a bakery somewhere she said…’ Pete did his little searching thing ‘were you two…?’

‘She seemed nice and helped me out a bit…that’s all’ I said. Pete smirked. Soon after another lifetime first occurred, I served a group of three girls with their men and they wandered off, one wandered back and discreetly passed me a slip of paper, smiled and walked off. Pete grabbed the paper and burst out laughing as he handed it back, ‘poor Riria is history…you’ve pulled’

Second payday we were all sitting at the bar, Hana sat next to me and said ‘no tea tonight Danny?’

‘Just water tonight, I’ve run out of teabags’ I smiled and in a low voice said ‘kaeri ni ocha demo dō?’ Hana stared at me, ’I asked if you like to get some tea’

‘I know full well what you said’

‘ocha shimasen ka’

‘What are you two jabbering about’ Pete said

‘Danny is asking me out on a date and thinks speaking Japanese will make me go weak at the knees and say yes’ Hana smiled and said ‘Un, daijōbu da yo’ at double speed.

‘Fat chance of anyone here dating Hana’ Pete said, ‘what did she say then Danny?’

‘ She said yes, sure’ I smiled then lied ‘said she has been waiting for me to ask since my first night…oof’ 

Hana playfully punched me in the ribs and said ‘speak only English rude boy’

———//———

‘Promise me again Danny, this has to be our secret’ Hana said as we lay in my single bed.

‘A gentleman never kisses and tells, of course I promise’ Hana had been totally upfront the first time we had tea together and this was our final moment — a one off ‘fuck buddy’ event. I lay my soul bare about the makeover at Fengriggs to fill the silence between Aimyon tracks that played softly.

‘Those beauty girls know their stuff…you really should try the whole thing’ Hana kissed my cheek then began to dress, ‘you could get a home colour kit, there is a brow-bar in the mall and I bet I have a stretchy skirt I could donate’

‘Like a consolation prize for breaking my heart?’ I said as a joke. Hana had insisted that I fix a date with the girl who gave me her number as a way of making sure we both knew we had moved on. 

‘Yes just like that’ Hana said as we laughed, ‘Saturday, you get hair and brows. I’ll bring a skirt…don’t let the others know, we can have some fun’

Dying my hair at home sounded dangerous. I head to a unisex salon nearby to ask about colouring and bumped into Molly from Fengriggs on her way out, ‘cute, V cute indeed’ I said ‘time for a coffee?’

‘Such a flirt’ Molly said as if I always had been as she took my arm, ‘what were you going there for Danny?’ When I explained Molly said, ‘no, no you cannot team black with a pony’ and began swiping at her phone screen, ‘you into men, women, both?’ 

‘Would be easier if you just came right out and asked’ I laughed ‘women only’

‘No highlights, how about a mens pixie cut…a mixie? That will look like a straight mens cut day to day but you can Gell the top and fem up a bit for work’ Molly leant in, ‘that would be a really cute look on you’

I could not believe how life had turned around since I started at Angles and since I took Peggies advice to keep my numbers thing under wraps. 

‘Why the big silence?’

‘I was just wondering why I ordered coffee when I wanted tea…and I was thinking about the tea I have at home…oh and plucking up courage to invite you back’ since Hana a few days earlier I had been watching YouTube videos giving tips on pulling, just to be clear, that is getting them to understand I was available for sex not a relationship. I waited for a response.

Molly stood, ‘lets go sort your appointment with JoJo and afterwards you can make me a nice cup of tea’

‘Lets keep this between us, no need for Rebecca and Helen to find out is there’ Molly said as I made a pot of Earl Grey tea, ‘can I get a shower?’

‘Sure, clean towels in the hot press with the hairdryer’ I smiled as I blew and sipped at my too hot tea, this was turning into a good week and it was only half way through.  While Molly showered I wiped the blackboard in my mind clean, drew a line down the middle and wrote win at the top of one column and fail in the other. In win I wrote Hana then underneath Molly and imagined standing back and admiring my work. 

Something looked wrong though, I rubbed out Hana and Molly replacing them with 1s and a line beneath which I imagined the total now everything looked right. How could I have been so silly — words will always look wrong in a mind designed for numbers. I smiled as I blew and sipped at my still too hot tea and imagined the total growing.

Saturday could not come fast enough for me, Molly had helped me with the stylist and it was just a matter of enjoying a cup of tea while JoJo worked her magic.

My cut made me look like a young me before I started shaving and growing sideburns, JoJo had undercut my sideburns yet left a wisp of hair near my temple that I could sweep back behind my ear in man mode or comb down which JoJo said looked super fem. Same with the top, comb down with a parting or gel and get a spiky look also super fem according to JoJo.

I had been practising all week to incorporate a smoky eye look that I had seen online and was feeling pretty confident I could pull it off inside ten minutes. Hana smiled and nodded as we met in the locker room, she handed me the skirt and some black shiny pantyhose, ‘don’t put a finger through, I haven’t another pair’

‘Should I have gotten some panties?’

Hana smiled ‘not unless you want a panty line, just wear the hose commando like a normal person’

‘Yea just like a normal man does, thanks for this Hana, I owe you big time’ 

‘Only thing you owe me is silence’ Hana said with a big smile as I gelled my hair, ‘you are going to freak them out looking like that, your cock bulge is a perfect finish to the full Danny look’

———//———

A group of four older women probably mid to late twenties came in the club. I have noticed only seven percent of women arrive in groups of four and under one percent in larger groups, hens excepted of course. Solo women are such a small minority so as to be insignificant. No fours, or even threes, of men get past the door staff. The women were on the hunt I guessed but not in an obvious way like teenagers are. They went straight to a back table in Hana’s section and had table service all evening.

‘Wait there’ Peggie said when I served her mid shift and she called Pete over, ‘you cannot hide Danny behind the bar for a second longer tonight, swap someone and put Danny on table service’

I replaced Lenine when she came up for her break as the cabaret show neared the end. ‘Take this tray of drinks to the changing rooms for the performers, slip in round the side of the curtains’ Pete said. 

Behind the bar wearing a skirt and more femmed-up than ever was a laugh among coworkers and a bit of fun for customers who took a stool. Out in the club I would be on full view, more than that I was walking through the club when nothing was happening. The DJ was doing the usual birthday and hen announcements and the stage still had the spots on the curtains. ‘Can I wait till the dancing starts Pete?’

‘Fem boy suddenly feeling shy’ Pete laughed, ‘or just worried what pronouns they will use’ 

Hana and Lenine pulled out their phones, ‘take no notice of Pete, he’s only jealous’ Lenine said.

Rather than take the direct route through the tables I skirted around the outside as it was darker there, that is until I was halfway to the stage when the overspill from lights on the curtains felt like they were highlighting me as I neared the stage and I felt like every eye in Angles was focused on me. Carrying the tray of drinks meant I had to take it slow as I climbed the steps to the stage and slipped behind the curtains.

A camp ‘Oooh look what Peggie has sent us’ alerted the rest of the drag artists to my presence. Two ways to play it I had decided before I even got to the dressing rooms, option one; shy, blushing, put the tray down and run. I decided to fight fire with fire and chose option two.

‘Good evening ladies, I’m your server tonight. Danny with a capital Y…now who ordered gin, ice no slice with tonic?’ 

Thankfully the lights had been dimmed by the time I made my way back toward the bar, someone called me by name just as the music hit a quiet spot, I scanned the tables and saw someone waving.

As I got closer I saw JoJo was attached to the waving arm at a table of four — a stylist I recognised from the salon and two men. With music too loud for talking JoJo and I cheek kissed before she ordered fresh drinks for them all, I told her the price and put her £20 note in my servers bumbag. The tray I carried along with white shirt and black skirt marked me as a server. End of cabaret was always Angles equivalent of a train station rush-hour, I repeated the ordering process seven more times on my way to the bar. As I neared I saw Peggie step behind the bar and stand at the end watching as a little smile flickered across her lips.

Working in rotation I put four drinks on my tray, took the £20 from my bumbag, rang up the sale, put change in my bumbag and repeated the process until my tray was full. Once I had caught up with orders I began clearing tables and while at the glass washer I emptied my tips out into the tip jar.

Peggie was talking to Pete who called me over, ’how much have you taken on table service?’

‘Hold on Pete that is too easy, our Danny is a bit of a numbers freak…total sales, biggest round, smallest round, biggest tip, average tip per drink?’

I reeled off the numbers, they both smiled and Pete gave Peggie £5. Peggie said ‘how many phone numbers have you gotten and what percentage from women?’

‘Sorry…I forget Peggie, but in answer to the second question…one hundred percent’

———//———