The Trannie Hunter

 When other little girls my age were still dressing their dollies in cute little dresses I was dressing real boys in cute little dresses.

That was then and this is now.

———//———

I take a slow blink ‘I thought I had left all that behind me’ flashes up as if the inside of my eyelids are an illuminated advertising hoarding. The in-eyelid display changes:- 

Blink; I thought I was over that

Blink; I want one

Blink; I thought I was over that

Blink; I want one…

I’m getting ahead of myself, before we get into that let me just say the girls arranged the night out, well it is a post-breakup night if I’m being accurate. We kicked off by pre-loading at Cassandra’s apartment then taxied up west to hit the clubs.

‘For fuck sake speed up’ Ruth says to the cabbie. We need to get to Angles before 11 if we are going to get in free and it’s already 10:45. For the four of us, me, Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth after 11 will cost the equivalent of three rounds of shots. Out of habit I listed the four of us in age order, it mattered when we were at school and the habit still hangs on now we are all currently various shades of twenty-seven.

‘I’ve been looking forward to tonight more than anything, it’s been soo long’ I say as I pass the naggin of vodka on to Ruth to finish off the last drop.

———//———

Anyway, we’re in Angles which is a new club for all four of us that Cassandra’s friend said we should check out. Cabaret starts at midnight then dancing after, a great party venue the nameless friend of Cassandra said. By the time the last drag act cleared the stage we were suitably juiced and ready for dancing and, perhaps, pulling. 

It was as we scoped out the singletons when the blink thing started, I saw him walking around the edge of the dance floor toward the stage then slip behind the curtains.

Blink; I want one

Blink; I thought I was over that

‘Penny for your thoughts’ Eileen said

‘I want one…’ I heard me say then I said, ‘old ladies say that…what are you seventy-seven tonight?’ 

‘Fuck you, want one what Abigail?’ Eileen said all angry-formal

‘A man, think my minge is in danger of healing over’ I lied thinking how well I had sidestepped Eileen and how well the clubs lighting hid my blush, ’you get the floor warmed up, I need a moment’ I said to give me time to get my head straight.

I shut my eyes for a second, the illuminated advertising hoarding inside my eyelids had gone and had been replaced with a smiling thirteen year old me. Shot done I upended the glass and headed towards the dance floor.

When I turned my head away from the direction of the window I was pleased to see the other side of the bed empty and the pillow unruffled. While I wait for the room to stop spinning let me tell you about me, day to day I am Abi or Abigail, 25, what I mean is I easily pass for twenty-five, five-six in stockings. I give my UK dress size as 7 to sales assistants and they know what I mean right off the bat - six in some shops and eight in the rest. I’m blonde, all in proportion, level nine cute…Oh nearly forgot, and high maintenance level seven bordering an eight. I work in an office and it is as boring as it sounds but it pays the rent. 

If I were a contestant on a game show I would say my hobby is writing and I am writing a novel, if I were in a pub trying to impress a guy with one of the other three listening I would say I write short stories, submit articles to women’s magazines and leave it at that.

By the time I finally crawl out of bed and shower the street lights are coming on, I’ve missed a whole Sunday laying in bed and thinking about the mystery wo-man. 

After work Monday I ring Angles hourly until a nightwatchman picks up, as it turns out I hit gold. He is pleased to have someone to talk to and tells me Angles is shut until Thursday, describes and names every member of staff then explains the club regulars, the funny ones he adds after a soft ahem, frequent Kings which is a pub in the next street.

Like I imagine a real writer does research I dial Kings to make sure I’m on the right track. I mope about my apartment waiting for Wednesday night then rush out of the door after changing outfits a couple of times, alright, four times. ‘Kings’ I said to the cabbie, he is thirtyish around a six. I ask him about the pub and get good info back, then pull the fake phone call act to mute him as he warms to the chance of giving me his views on people like that.

Silence spread through the busy pub as I walked in, I was feeling as welcome as a turd on a doorstep. I sat on the last empty barstool, ordered a vodka and slipped my phone in my purse. The barman said ‘meeting someone or lost’ as he put my drink down, as is often the way in seemingly unfriendly places when our chat paused while the barman served another customer the occupant of the next bar stool spoke to me, soon there was a small group of us sat on barstools chatting. No point in being sneaky, I opened up with the reason for my visit at the first chance, ‘I’m collecting material for an article, perhaps background for a character in a book’

It could have gone two ways, luckily Edith was as inquisitive as me and she pumped me for more information on my reasons, pre-prepared I pulled out my phone and showed her some of my articles in a women’s magazine. A couple of drinks later we moved to a table and two more people joined us. I heard Edith use the word detransition for the first time, I began to gently guide the conversation in a direction that provided me with more understanding.

The conversation heated and as others were drawn in the conversation evolved into a debate, two tables were pushed together and I was seemingly forgotten, each of the two sides as opposed to the others point of view as a level five vegan is opposed to fountain pens. When the barman sounded the closing bell I had more than enough material for several articles but still I invite Edith to lunch.

———//———

Managers at work are classified as senior colleagues by HR, in my head I always think of them as twats when they speak to me, in conversation I refer to them as managers. My manager fits into my way of thinking perfectly, when Cassandra says I manipulate him mercilessly just because I can, she’s not saying out of bitchyness but admiration. I even went on a couple of dates with him just to step it up, non physical of course, not even a kiss and now he is like my very own puppy. I even call him Puppy around the girls in the office, he is soo sweet, he even thinks my pet name is a sign of affection.

I see Sue on the far side of the office with her basket of delights and call out to Puppy about some problem I’ve invented, the company shut our canteen as part of a cost saving scheme and now we have a microwave or Sue. She works for herself taking lunches for the ill prepared around various office blocks. He is still mansplaining when Sue arrives, he pauses to look at the lunches on offer. Sue glances at me and I wink, ‘nothing for me today Sue’ I say as I lay a hand on my stomach.

‘That time again’ Sue says as she smiles

‘Really bad this month Sue’ I wince as Puppy is looking at me, ‘really I should be in bed with some pain pills and hot water bottle but its embarrassing when your manager is a man’

As Sue walks away Puppy said, ‘you can always say you feel a bit under the weather Abi, I won’t ask any embarrassing questions’

I air kiss towards one cheek as a special reward before picking up my purse. Puppies are easier to train with treats after all. I purposely arrived before Edith and ask to be seated straight away, back wall facing entrance, I had picked the businessman’s restaurant across the city where service is always purposely slow to facilitate deals and discussions.

Edith arrived looking like a secretary or PA, I carefully watch both her and the room in equal measures as she is shown to our table and, too late, I realise she is watching me. 

‘You were watching to see if I was made?’ Edith may have spoken in a light and carefree way but I read the serious undertone.

‘I was watching to see how many checked you out like they did me when I arrived’ I smiled ‘and now I hate you’ Edith smiles, when the waiter arrives I ask ‘are you working this afternoon or shall we have some wine with lunch?’

‘I have been reading your articles online, does the magazine have someone who checks out your articles before they go into print?’ Edith said.

‘Well the magazines have editors’ I’m thankful Edith does not plough right into the interview.

‘What about your own writing?’ Edith said ‘does someone check that?’

‘My friends ex boyfriend used to’ I laugh as I think of him, ‘she met him at Mcburger, that’s the place to find self important pricks with an English degree — flipping burgers’

To make sure I don’t miss anything I ask if I can run VoiceMemos on my iPhone and place it on the table. I haven’t much experience of grilling someone and I think Edith senses that, she makes it easy for me — no one word answers and soon I get into the swing of slipping open questions into the conversation. She doesn’t notice how generous I am with the wine and I order us brandies with coffee mid afternoon, time for the question I had been researching online every spare moment.

‘You mentioned some people untransition that night in Kings, how do you feel about those people?’ I said purposely miswording the sentence. 

‘Detransitioning is a delicate topic’ Edith began

Although we had exchanged telephone numbers, well what I think druggies call a burner number in my case, I gave Edith a card that I had printed out with an email address I had especially set up, ‘I would love to talk to someone who had…detransitioned’ I paused for Sue to nod to show I had the word right, ‘not for a magazine article, I keep a journal where I write detailed character profiles that I can draw on if I am writing a story, perhaps a novel one day’ 

‘That makes sense, like your very own album of characters. I’ll ask around’ Sue said.

Office gossip needs managing as much as any other aspect of a girls life. The girls in the office know I had been on a date with Puppy because he made it common knowledge, they think I have feelings for him because I still use his pet name, they think he dumped me because of how tearful I was in the restroom, they know he said things just didn’t work out between us. ‘How could anyone not like Puppy?’ I said to the restroom jury, ‘he is so kind to everyone’

‘So guilty for dumping you more like’ the office militant said.

‘Don’t be so hard on Puppy, he is just finding the right person just like all of us’ I said ‘time to go back to work or we’ll miss Sue’

———//———

A week had passed and I still waited for a contact from one of Edith's friends, I took a taxi to Kings in the hope of bumping into her or perhaps someone keen to talk and did not have a long wait. We set our drinks on at a quiet wall-side table, Edith claimed the bench and, not wanting to look like a couple, I took a chair.

‘Have you any more cards on you Abi?’ Edith said. I fished a few out of my purse and let the bright yellow show, ‘is that your journal thing?’

‘It is rather bright isn’t it, the last leuchtturm1917 the store had in stock but I’ve grown to love the colour’ I said as I grazed my finger along the spine to focus her attention, I took a sip of my drink.

Right on cue Edith said ‘did you write about me?’ 

‘Of course, all good things. Honest’ I said adding a nod for good measure, ‘not that I’ll show you’

‘Since you mentioned it I’ve wanted to ask if I could read what you put in there, could I read one?’ Edith said

I shuffled my arse to the bench and sat thigh touching close to Edith as I put my journal on the table and opened it to the index. ‘Pick one, just not the last one’ I pointed to the entry for page 117:- The Lunch Companion. 

Edith chose page 83:- Train Passengers, ‘good choice, there are several different people in that section’ I said ‘I need the toilet’ as I left her reading. When I returned my journal sat on the table with the elastic closure strap in place and Edith was talking to a man who sat as close as I had. She introduced her date and I made my excuses.

As much as I wanted to look at my journal in the taxi I waited until I was home and sitting in the kitchen with the lights on full. I carefully opened my journal to page 117, it was as pristine as the moment I wrote it…even the speck of fluff I had carefully placed between the pages was missing.

Pleased that my plan had worked I wondered if Edith had taken a picture of her entry, I hoped so as it, I thought, showed me to be an understanding and nonjudgemental writer. The sort of person one could pour their transheart out to.

———//———

I was feeling sorry for myself and I was entitled to, Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth all suddenly had a man in their lives, Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth were on Marina di Ragusa beach soaking up the sun. They had invited me, tried to fix me up with a man. ‘Just a holiday fuck buddy, we want you to come’ Eileen said.

Now it was too late and I was Abi-nomates sitting alone in the office Eileen’s suggestion made perfect sense. I watched as Sue worked her way around the office and picked a fried tofu salad and iced hojicha tea, ‘need the restroom?’ I discreetly offered…offices have ears.

The company has a real strange rule, Sue can walk around in our office alone but needs a chaperone to go for a piss. ‘I need the restroom Abi, have you got time?’

‘Attention’ I called out, ‘I am forming a possy to take this stranger to the restroom, any volunteers?’

‘You’re warped’ someone called from their booth, Puppy put his hand up. 

I strode up to him and grabbed his hand ‘rest of you can stay here’ I said as I laughed and bobbed my head like a chicken. A blushing Puppy shook loose as we neared the corridor. 

‘What was that about?’ Sue said

‘They stay well away from me when I’m in a playful mood’ I said as I moved closer, ‘I get this close when I’m going to kiss’ I teased. We were repairing make-up when Susi W came in to complain about lack of lunch delivery. 

Pat said ‘sorry Suzz, we were chatting’ 

Although I’m not like that Sue is and a little kiss cheers me up when my mates are on the beach. To be perfectly eric, it is the danger of getting caught makes us do it but if anyone could lead me astray it would be Sue. Many more weeks without a man and it may well happen with Sue. I’ve heard those that sail that side of the ocean say the grass is greener.

I have a few telephone conversations with detransitionists and several email exchanges. They won’t meet or FaceTime and I suspect it is some weirdos getting their rocks off so I ghost them all and reset my imaginary search clock to 00:00. Next the email address goes feral and I delete it after the Nth mail asking about my bra size, panties, pictures or some such.

I meet up with Edith one lunchtime, my experiment had pretty much died a death, I let her know that my project has finished and she lets me know her date has become her boyfriend, ‘we’re getting to that moving in stage’ Edith said and we exchange hugs.

‘Can I give you my new number Edith’ I said

She passed over her phone, I typed my number and passed it back. Instead of saving straight to contacts she pressed send. An unknown number come up on my screen, our eyes met and we laughed. 

‘Guess that makes us friends now’ Edith said. I nodded right back, I like Edith a lot.

———//———

Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth wanted a night out. After a fortnight in Sicily they were tanned and wanted to be seen. I could feign a previous arrangement but that is not me, I want to bathe in their happiness. I am happy to be the tanned girls pale but hot blonde friend. We preload at my place before heading out clubbing and I catch up on the gossip. One boyfriend is history. 

Eileen said ‘my boyfriend is under consideration’ we all laugh, well it is her birthday next week.

My phone rings for the third time since they arrived at my place, I called out ‘don’t answer’ as I worked on my face in my bedroom. When I got the burner SIM card I set it up to forward all calls to my number, for a few days I had been getting the occasional “forwarded call - withheld number” calls. I made a mental note to search again for the SIM and cancel call forwarding.

I checked for missed call but there wasn’t one. 

‘Your new friend is very secretive’ Cassandra said with a smirk. Eileen and Ruth seemed to be looking at their phones, if they had been cats instead of girls their ears would be swivelled towards me, ‘withheld number and all…’ 

‘What name?’ I said as for some reason Sue came to mind, had I given off the wrong vibes I was wondering.

‘Why are you blushing?’ Eileen said as she dropped the pretence of phone watching and attempted to make me blush.

‘Kim was very evasive, said you would know what it was about’ Ruth had joined in.

‘Kim…Kim…that a man or woman?’ I say as I try to invoke my power of blush-banishment while inwardly cursing Eileen.

‘That is what we were trying to work out, Kim had a…’ Cassandra said pausing as she thought of how to politely describe Kim.

‘Gender neutral’ Eileen helpfully offered up

‘Has been trying to speak to you for a while. I said best time to speak to you is just after one when you take lunch’ Cassandra said

‘Are you ghosting Kim?’ Eileen said, I scowled, ‘well Abi you do have previous for that’

The mystery of the withheld numbers seemed a step closer and their teasing over Kim’s voice bode well for this being a chance to put ink on another page in my character journal. As much as I hate Sundays I told Siri to wake me at 12:30, I had the excited expectation of a much younger me as I decided that I wanted to speak to Kim.

I had sat by the phone waiting, again Monday, Tuesday Sue sort of needed the restroom if you know what I mean. Wednesday my phone rang as we were having our midweek lunchtime step session in the office. ‘Hello’ I gasp

‘You don’t know me’ the voice begins and I am just reaching for the red button when it says, ‘I spoke with your friends Saturday evening…’

I cannot stand the silence, ‘Kim?’ I said underlining the question mark, thank him for ringing back and tell him that I am work and ask if we can speak after five ‘what is the best number to reach you on?’ 

He ignores my request ‘I read the character study you wrote about your friend and thought I might talk to you, have you got a pen Abigail?’

Kim is sharp, when I ring him/her the voice is still totally unreadable, and I am immediately asked why I have called back from a different mobile number. We start to relax as I outline my reasons for using a throwaway number online. Kim reassures me, ‘good move Abigail’

Kim has detransitioned but I am still mystified what side of the fence Kim has moved from or to and, rude or not, I ask what pronouns to use.

OK now I finally understand he is back in male mode as he runs a brief outline of his childhood, the meds to delay puberty, the hormones and his college years past me. ‘I decided to contact you after a college friend forwarded your appeal for help to me’

I check the clock and we are close on thirty minutes, time to wrap, ‘could we meet sometime Kim? My apartment is in London right in the city centre, where do you live?’

‘Back at mum’s since I finished college’

‘I meant what part of the country, I’m hoping you are in the UK’ I add a giggle. He names a town an hour and a bit away on a quiet day, hour and three bits on a busy one.

‘I will be presenting male Abigail, I hope you are all right with that’ Kim says as he lets out a little nervous cough, ‘mum would freak if I dressed since I detraned’

I smile as a warm feeling spreads and describe myself, I’ve read enough online to take a punt that dress size is important to Kim and go through the whole size seven thing finishing up on recognising me by the yellow journal peeking out of my purse, ‘now I need your description’

‘Easier to just text when we are near the café’ Kim says

‘Spoil me, I enjoy the old way’

‘I’m five-five and a half, size nine…I mean thirty-seven chest, dark brown hair. I’ll be carrying…’ Kim thinks for a moment, ‘a deep yellow pen in my left hand’

I like that he has taken onboard the half dress size thing I do and say ‘how old, you not the yellow pen I mean’ we both laugh.

‘I’m twenty five and the pen will be new’

———//———

We arranged to meet Saturday afternoon, Kim suggested a café near the motorway turn. No city girl needs a car, I opened the Car-Club app and booked one for the day. Halfway through the trip my phone rang then the car joined in, I jabbed the button with a telephone on. I had a bad feeling  it would be Kim ducking out.

‘Hey why aren’t you answering your entry phone, where are you?’ Eileen said

‘Westbound M4 for a writing thing’ thing covered personal and private projects 

‘Tell me about Kim’

‘Junction coming up’ I lied to give thinking time. How the hell did Eileen know I wondered, ‘what’s to tell?’ I said

‘Did the mysterious Kim phone back?’

‘Oh. No still one of life's little mysteries…’ I say to play it down, ‘police car’ I push telephone button on steering wheel then airplane on iPhone. 

I spotted Kim before I destinated, as promised he held a yellow pen before his chest and a large umbrella over his head as his eyes followed every car as it passed-by the entrance, I waved then pulled into a parking spot. Kim held the umbrella over me as I got out of the car, looked into my purse, smiled and caught my eye ‘yellow journal as promised, good afternoon Abigail’

I picked the boys at school for their girly looks and, more recently, my boyfriends by size. Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth had taken years work out why I always chose the small one when we allowed guys to pick us up at a club. That is until one ex spilt the beans and they realised my little childhood hobby resurfaced from time to time.

We might all be best friends but, like the four Armadillos of a litter, a sign of weakness in one will be exploited by the other three. Guilty feelings raged inside my head, I imagined they would suspect me from the get go if I could make him mine.

‘good afternoon Kim’

Kim had already told me he had been prescribed hormones, apart from being a little fuller in the hip and butt area there were no signs of breasts unlike the pictures I had seen of tansitionists online. I began to look around the café, I silently chanted do not stare, do not stare…and in my defence I managed not to until he concentrated on the coffee in each hand as he walked toward our table. I briefly let my eyes move to his chest in search of the missing breasts.

What a rookie mistake, I should have known…how many times have I felt mens eyes on my breasts? Why did he look up at that second?

Speaking calmly as if I was acting the perfect lady Kim said ‘do you take sugar Abigail?’ As he put the coffees down.

‘Where did you go to college?’ I asked the question I had held back from asking on the telephone, saving as an icebreaker to get our conversation underway. 

‘It started long before that’ Kim said as he finished answering my question, at secondary school I was out right here in town from the age of ten then through college and everyone accepted me. I stayed on working in Edinburgh for a while which is when I became lonely living alone and not fitting in. You see Abigail, I would date a guy once, perhaps twice — they only wanted one thing, I expect you can imagine what I mean Abigail, girls must meet men like that as well. 

In the real world, after college, girls did not want to be with someone like me and I became a little depressed while living alone. I decided I would only find someone if I, well…you know, so here I am back at home looking and acting like a man, well on the outside. 

I hope that has given you enough background to pick out some areas to begin with, shall I get us another coffee while you process all of that?

‘I’m new to interviews Kim, if I ask questions that make you uncomfortable or are rude please set me straight’ I said

‘If I only wanted to reveal some things I would have said so on the telephone’ Kim smiled and leant in a little, ‘let me guess a question you wanted to ask since I carried the coffees over. You would ask; you claim to have taken hormones Kim and I am wondering why you don’t have breasts…my answer would be; I bind like certain ladies do’

‘Wow everything really is on the table’ I said then started to ask the questions that would give the little details I wanted to bulk out Kim’s story, the personal stuff could wait. We were the only customers, I checked my watch and closing time had passed. I gave Kim a lift to the area where  he lived and asked for another meeting, perhaps more than one.

My head was buzzing as I slowly drove Eastbound M4, Kim is single, cute, calls me Abigail and I like him. 

I slowed and pulled into the thinking lane or slow lane as some people call it, I eased back to fit in with the trucks. I had a vague plan before I met Kim and began to justify in my head what I intended, not that it was this any different to picking up another one fuck wonder in some club.

Thinking over I indicated, pulled out and sped up. ‘I want him’ I said as if I needed to hear it in real words.

Every day felt like the days between clicking the buy now button and the parcel arriving, we had arranged to meet in his local mall, chat over lunch in the food hall, there was no reason to phone him. Kim telephoned Wednesday evening, ‘hello Abigail, I wondered if I need to bring anything, if you needed to see any photos for instance’

‘Ones from college, would you be OK with showing me those Kim?’

An hour later I said ‘see you at eleven’ I thought I never talk for that long on the telephone which is exactly what Ruth said seconds later.

‘Is it a man Abi?’ 

‘Work’ I lied while thinking how much I like being called Abigail 

———//———

‘This colour would suit you, you should try it on’ Kim said as we wandered the mall before lunch, I wanted a new dress for our girls night later. In the second shop Kim held a dress to himself that he picked from the rail, ‘imagine it with your hair colour and matching heels Abigail…’ he held it towards me, ‘size 8 you said, is that your size?’

Little wonder the college girls had him tag along I thought as I twirled in the changing room. I stepped out of the cubicle for a second opinion even though my purchasing decision had already been made. 

Inside my head negative me said — I fit in the dress Kim’s inner man will take over, I imagined he would say; buy that one, I’m hungry, thirsty or bored, perhaps all four. Buy that and we can get some lunch. 

‘Turn around, do you think you would like to try it in a 6 just to be sure? Let me check the rail’ Kim said and was gone. A woman was peeking from behind her changing room curtain.

‘Holy shit did you hear that?’ A voice from the changing room said. 

‘Get her number she can train my Bill’ a second voice said.

‘You seem so comfortable shopping Kim, do you miss shopping for yourself?’ I said as we ate lunch in the food hall. 

‘Not so much since leaving Edinburgh’ 

Time to push the boundary, ‘do you still dress sometimes Kim?’ I said as my ears began feeling hot.

‘We decided it would be better to be one thing or the other’ Kim paused, sipped his tea, ‘how many meetings will we have Abigail?’

‘Do you wish you could dress sometimes’ I said ignoring the question and wondering who the other part of we was.

‘Sometimes’

‘I would like to see that side of you. You could visit me, perhaps bring a favourite outfit?’ I said thinking I’m too far in to turn back.

‘You forgot to answer my question Abigail, how many meetings will we have?’

‘I’m pretty much done with the interview, there is no need for us to meet again if you would rather not’ I had used my office tone of voice, a sort of coworker speak that we all use. I took a sip of tea to separate the two points and let my voice soften, ‘I was inviting you as a friend’ 

‘We could go shoe shopping while I think’ Kim said. I began to think I had pushed too hard, coming to London was not mentioned again as we shoe shopped. 

The roles I had imagined for us with me choosing Kim’s outfits had switched on the very first shopping trip, first the dress and now the shoes, Kim was dressing me for my night out and doing a fine job of it. 

Kim’s questions began as we wandered my favourite store one more time; is this the sort of thing you wear at home, what would you wear with that, do you put a face on. Not machine-gun but so casually inserted in the conversation as we chat I missed most at first. Replaying the afternoon as I drove toward home I realised how big a step this would be for Kim if he decided to accept my invitation and gave myself an imaginary pat on the back. 

‘It’s no big thing, if he rings great, if not then fuck him’ I looked around the office and enough people were sniggering for me to realise I had spoken aloud. 

That night I received my first ever text from Kim;- Dear Abigail, I would like to accept your invitation to visit you. Saturday or Sunday would be fine for me, do either work for you? Could you send a picture of what you will be wearing please? I would not want to be wearing a ballgown and you are wearing yoga pants. Yours sincerely Kim

I was still reading when the second text arrived:- ps I have never owned a ballgown, its Kim

I text back:- you world worst texter I want to hear your voice

Immediately I follow up with:- its Abigail

———//———

I answer the entry phone, it’s exactly 10:30, Kim is carrying several bags and a small bouquet. I recognise Marks and Spencer, Matalan, possibly Next as well. He buzzes again and inspection over I say ‘good morning Kim, please come in’ I leave a pause, ‘its Abigail’. He smiles. I persuade Minami to sing at an appropriate level, soft yet loud enough to mask the silences.

When he comes in I get that ‘new boyfriend in apartment’ awkward feeling even though we are not there yet. He is as nervous as me, his bags are all in his left hand and his right begins to move upward. I step in close, kissing close to block the handshake and initiate cheek kisses then say ‘your skin is soo soft…what do you use’

Kim tells me how the hormones prevented much hair development and a laser took care of the rest as I busy myself putting the flowers in water then make us gyokuro ureshinocha tea. I ask about the shopping bags and the ‘new boyfriend in apartment’ awkward feeling is replaced with ‘roommate coming back from shopping’ excited feeling as Kim reveals his outfit for the day. Summer swing dress and low sandals, ‘I know you said we could stay in but it is such a lovely day I bought the dress incase you wanted to go window shopping’

‘You haven’t shown me what’s in the M&S bag’ I said innocently, they only use those small bags in one department. I smile, Kim blushes, I smile wider and say ‘show me’

He folds and takes his bra and panties out.

‘Why all new clothes today, I imagined you would bring some things from home’ 

‘It’s a bit difficult Abigail’ Kim said, I knew Abigail meant a revelation was coming. ‘Thing is I let all of my clothes go when I moved back home’ He paused, ‘I bought these on my way here today’

‘Why don’t I tidy the tea things while you get changed, if you want to put a face on there are some basics on the dresser in the spare bedroom’

We took the tube to one of the shopping malls in the suburbs, I did not want to bump into any friends, how would I introduce her. We had paused for coffee when Kim outlined how some use pronouns to hurt trangender people, I smiled then said ‘I will use pronoun to match your appearance unless I choose otherwise for what I consider a good reason’ the giggly teenage girls at the next table were listening

‘That would be embarrassing’

‘If you are not a good boy it will be embarrassing, I promise’ I said loud enough for the next table to hear as I helped myself to a cheek kiss. 

Kim smiled, ‘then I had better not upset you’

The girl facing me silently mouthed ‘it’s a man’ to her friends, all eyes were on us.

I locked eyes with her, nodded, and said ’hurry up Kim, I want to look in M&S’

———//———

We were walking to the train station when Kim said ‘will I see you again’

‘To collect your dress and sandals?’ I was not in the mood to make it easy for him.

‘Like today, you know’

I stopped dead and faced him ‘No I do not know, you are always so precise when you speak, now you are talking in riddles’ the silence stretched. 

‘Can we walk while we talk?’ 

I stayed put, ‘tell me what you want. I don’t bite’

‘Can I see you again?’ Kim swallowed loudly, ‘like a date’

I wanted to scream yes, yes, yes. Instead I said ‘just to be clear Kim, a date or like a date?’

‘A date’

I had pushed him far enough for one night, ‘yes, I would like that a lot’

———//———

I was not ready for Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth to meet Kim. They were challenging for any new boyfriend and moreso for my special new man, Kim needs a few nights out to build his confidence with me first. 

During our nightly telephone calls we settle on a weekend visit for our first proper date after I make it crystal that Kim will be sleeping in my spare bedroom. We arrive at Angles in time for the cabaret and dance till closing despite every man and his dog hitting on us until I decide it’s time to pull the stroke lunch-basket Sue told me about. 

I squeeze into a cubicle with Kim ‘take the dress off’ I say while wriggling out of mine in the confined space, well legally they are both my dress as I leant Kim his dancing dress, ‘it’s OK we are swapping’ I add to drive the frightened rabbit look from Kim’s eyes. I was blonde, black dress now I’m blonde, green dress. It does not go unnoticed that we briefly kiss before walking to the bar for fresh drinks.

‘Cute trick’ a male voice said to me from inside a woman’s body, the face smiled, ‘I’m Peggie ie not y, I work here, can I buy you ladies a drink?’ Peggie waved and the barman ignored those waiting and walked straight up, ‘usual and whatever these ladies want on my tab’

I had seen Peggie ie not y on my first visit to Angles. I decided to let my eyes rule over my ears as I assigned Peggie she/her and was wondering what she did when I remembered the nightwatchman naming Peggie as the manager. 

Kim said ‘nice dress Peggie, I could see myself in something clingy like that next dress change’ Kim had a real flirty note in her voice and smirked as she caught my eye. 

Payback ‘I loved your club from the first time I came Peggie, I’m Abi, take no notice of my flirty boyfriend Kim…he is all talk’ I return-smirked at Kim.

Kim silently mouthed boyfriend then threw a big smile. 

Both squiffy we piled in the back of a taxi and Kim was still full of joy, ‘Did you mean that? What you said to Peggie? Am I really your boyfriend?’

The tax driver wiggled his ears like an overweight meerkat, I kissed Kim square on the lips. It was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment to shut her up, ‘no talking’ I said in my sternest of stern voices. She slipped her hand in mine and looked out of the side window, I could see her happy face reflected back.

———//———

Kim had been asking me for a few weeks about meeting Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth. We had gotten to know each other in the company of a different circle of new friends from Angles and Kings. They all knew and liked both Kims.

Initially I had been worried for Kim having to face my closest friends who all date back to school days. As Kim and I became ever closer I began to worry that I could loose them if they disliked Kim, they knew I liked to fem my boyfriends but this was totally different.

We had slipped into living together Friday to Sunday nights and, somehow, I had managed to fit Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth into Monday to Thursday. I was at the tipping point where weekends were not enough.

I phoned Kim, ‘would you be OK with meeting the famous three this weekend’ I said all light and breezy. 

‘You really did not need to ask that Abigail’ An hour and a half later the weekend plan was finalised, a night at Angles then all back to mine to crash and brunch Sunday. How simple it all seemed.

‘Just tell me what you want me to wear’ Kim said unable to hide the undertone of whininess as he searched through his closet looking at trousers. 

I turned him down for the third time before leaving, ‘whatever you choose to wear this weekend is fine by me. Bear in mind you only get one chance to make a first impression’ I giggled ‘see…no pressure…choose something you feel comfortable in’ I laughed, we kissed, ‘Honestly, I really do want you to wear whatever pleases you’

I taxied over to Ruth’s apartment to preload leaving Kim at home

I have banned Kim from texting me, its a one way ban and I text; arrived Angles. Then I text; it’s Abigail xx. I’m feeling nervous and out of control, the four most important people in my world are about to meet.

Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth are impressed when the door staff say ‘Hi Abi, is Kim with you tonight’ as they VIP us. 

They are super impressed when Peggie cheek kisses, says ‘hi Abi, all alone?’ and tabs us for our first drinks.

The club is pre-cabaret but music volume is still just about high enough to make it challenging for Cassandra, Eileen and Ruth to grill me in detail about Kim. We are standing foursquare near the bar, no rush as Peggie said she had reserved a booth for us. I recognise her perfume before her arm snakes around my waist, I smile but don’t look around, there is no need, I say ‘Cassandra, Eileen, Ruth this is Kim’

———//———