We Don't Serve Your sort Here

Full 29,000 word novella, A tale of petticoating set in the 1960's London and Bergerac

1965 

“I’m sorry Patrick it’s no good you making a list of things you want” Ann said “my overtime hours have been cut at work again plus there’s a pile of unpaid bills on the mantlepiece”

Patrick had the glossy colour mail order club book opened across his knees “that’s OK mum” at 15 he already knew how tight money was for them since his dad left “wasn’t really looking at anything, just turning pages and waiting for the rain to stop” Patrick was sitting in an arm chair next to the fireplace, Ann was in a similar chair opposite him darning the heel of one of Patrick’s school socks.

“How do you decide what is right to wear under a dress mum?”

“What?” Although her mind was on mending the hole in the sock alarm bells rang in her head again.

“Well it’s…well there are so many choices, how do you even decide on the number of suspenders you need for instance”

“Why are you looking through women's clothing in there again?” Ann had instantly gotten really angry “girls ask those sort of questions…what is wrong with you Patrick?” This was not the first time.

“Sorry mum, I wasn’t really looking…honest…I was just wondering out loud”

“How many more times do I have to tell you Patrick girls ask about that sort of thing. You Patrick are a boy. It’s not normal” still angry Ann had managed to stop shouting, she could see Patrick was close to tears “why can’t you ask about football or stamp collecting like normal boys?”

Patrick just looked down at the rug between them, the uncomfortable silence stretched out “do you think England will get through to the final mum?”

“I need to take you to see a doctor Patrick” she softened slightly and smiled “there must be doctors who can help with stuff like this”

He looked up then looked out of the window, saved by patches of blue sky “rain stopped…I’m going out mum” 

“Be back by 5 o’clock for tea” Ann shouted as the door slammed.

———//———

Patrick often overheard during school break times the other boys laughing about how there is only one reason to sneakily look at the underwear pages in their mum’s mail order catalogue. Patrick had looked at them and the clothes advertisements in his mothers weekly magazine long before his classmates deemed them to be erotic, lust wasn’t Patricks motivation it was wonder coupled with no small measure of jealousy. Often he would fall asleep at night wondering what it felt like to wear the those things. 

In the mail order catalogue he always began with underwear before moving onto the dress section where the dresses were modelled, what was the right underwear for a summer dress like this one he would wonder, how would it feel around his legs as he walked, what would nylons really feel like?

Ann worked full time on the assembly line at a factory where they made washing machines, his dad was ‘not around anymore’ as Ann would say if anyone asked. As it was just the two of them Patrick always had a list of chores when he got back from school before Ann came home. 

After washing breakfast dishes that were still in the sink from morning Patrick began to tackle the clean laundry, first he would take Ann’s clothes one item at a time from the laundry basket sorting then into piles, each pile an outfit. All correctly ordered to his satisfaction he began to iron Ann’s clothes one outfit at a time then finally his own if he had time.  Patrick came to Ann’s best pleated skirt, he always saved it until last, she wore it those evenings she went out. Those evenings when everything she wore had to be ‘just so’. Patrick dreamed that he would feel like that…someday. With the skirt arranged  on the ironing board and using a damp cloth he began to slowly press in each pleat individually, no rush, one by one. How did the edges of those pleats feel as they swished around against stockinged legs he wondered, his legs.

Temptation presented itself most mornings when searching through the ironing pile for a clean school shirt to iron if he had time or fresh socks. He always lingered secretly enjoying the silky feel of his mothers underwear, especially the full length slip that his mother wore under her best dresses…what would it feel like as it slid down he wondered. 

Grabbing his un-ironed school shirt he hurried to get dressed, being late for school a second time in a month carried detention penalties and as a latch key kid it was all too easy to become side tracked. Ann had to leave for the factory much earlier than Patrick did for school and without a parent to chivvy him along time easily slipped by. Even more reason not to be late was the first lesson - double art which ran all the way through until lunchtime. Portraiture had always been his real passion but today’s topic ‘fashion’ was a very close second, well perhaps even joint first.

“Will you just look at gay boy Patrick” the year bully said loudly and his cronies all laughed “hard to spot him amongst the other girls” The bully had decided he would be an art model today and his pals agreed of course. The bully wore a blue almost lapel less jacket, white shirt with bootlace tie, grey drainpipe trousers and blue suede crepe soled shoes all of which belonged to his father.

The model in the group Patrick chose was Helen a quiet, slim, bespectacled girl who had mid brown hair worn in a plait that came all the way down to her waist, she had changed out of her school uniform and now wore a flowery ‘A’ line half sleeve mid-calf length dress with full cut skirt and school shoes. Patrick was the only boy in the group and they all sketched quietly, unlike the girls who sketched in pencil Patrick used a pen. When the bell for break rang the bully’s group immediately rushed out to play football in the schoolyard. Patrick continued his sketching for a few minutes then began packing his art things away.

“Can I see?” Helen stood in front of him

 

He handed her his pad “still a work in progress”

“It’s really good” she smiled “but why did you join the girls group?” Another smile “you know what that bully will be like now”

Patrick searched the folder inside his brain, the one marked ‘talking to girls’. It was of no surprise to find it empty, he improvised “when I looked over…well I just wanted to sketch your new dress”

“why?”

“the way the fabric hangs, the folds…you know”

“not many boys would notice that”

Patrick stopped looking in the folder inside his brain marked ‘talking to girls’ instead focusing on a thick folder marked ‘this could go very badly’  

Two of the other girls in the art group who were still nearby had taken a very keen interest in the 

conversation and were silently watching, waiting. One wrong word with three girls from his class  as witnesses would seal his fate. 

“But, an aspiring artist really needs to notice these things” the art teacher said as he took Patrick’s sketch pad from Helen and began flicking through the days sketches “your rendering of fabric really is coming along nicely Patrick” the teacher smiled “why are you sketching in pen?”

Patrick’s answer surprised the teacher “when I draw in pencil it’s too easy to change” 

As usual the teacher patiently waited for one of Patricks little revelations.

“by drawing in ink my mistakes will always be there for me to look back at and learn from”

———//———

No matter how tight money was at home fish and chips was always a Friday night treat. Patrick would cycle to the local fish and chip shop to get their dinner, it would still be steaming hot as he and Ann ate dinner with their fingers straight from the newspaper that the fried fish and chips came wrapped in, between mouthfuls  Ann said “I’ve got a date Saturday night”

“John from work?” 

Ann nodded

“Is John your boyfriend mum?”

“Would that be ok?”

Patrick nodded

“How would you like to stay with Grandma this weekend?”

Patrick nodded again

———//———

She kissed him on the lips, she always had. A big wet and sloppy kiss. As usual Patrick resisted the urge to wipe his lips dry, it would hurt Gran’s feelings, instead Patrick gave his Gran a big hug. 

A warm sun beat down on them as they worked together in the front garden weeding, pruning and just enjoying time together. 

“Shall I make us some tea Gran?” Patrick made a pot of tea, laid out the tray, a little cloth just the right size for the tray, next came the tea pot, strainer, cups and saucers then he put some Rich Tea biscuits on a small plate - 2 each plus some broken fragments to feed to the birds, finally he transferred some milk into a small ceramic jug which matched the teapot and cups. He took the tray out onto the patio where Gran was already waiting, she smiled as she saw the care he had taken to set the tray out just as she liked. Patrick poured the tea handing her the first cup. 

“your mum’s so lucky to have such a nice son” Gran smiled “but she is a little worried you know”

Patrick sat silently - whatever was coming was surely not going to be good.

“Ann told me your interest in women’s clothes is making her angry” Gran reached across and held Patrick’s hand gently “and I told her she doesn’t understand, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wondering. After all…where would the world be if no one wondered”

“mum said I will have to see a doctor to be…well I’m not sure what” Patrick swiped his arm across his eyes “there’s something wrong with me Gran”

Gran said there is absolutely nothing wrong, and she could prove it. Patrick asked how but Gran continued saying that Patrick should hear her idea out before saying anything.

“Everything we say and do this weekend is our secret Patrick, ours and ours alone. Whatever you say to me I will never repeat”

“Not even to mum?”

“no, usually I would but what we say this weekend is our secret” she smiled “sometimes you need to be careful who you tell things Patrick…not everyone is able understand how you feel”

Gran outlined what Ann had told her “I could spend the afternoon trying to tell you how wearing each item of clothing feels Patrick if that is what you want, but that wouldn’t put an end to your wondering no more than if I bought a bar of chocolate and tried to explain the taste”

Then she went on to explain her plan.

“I’m going to collect the things from the front garden” Gran said “why don’t you wash the tea things for me while I’m doing that?”

“Like this?” He held his arms out slightly from his body.

“Well, it’s the only way you will find out what walking down the stairs in a summer dress and sandals feels like” 

Gran had lived through the great war of 1914-8 and then the second world war, old habits are hard to break and one habit was that she never threw anything away that may be useful one day. Things that may be useful one day included her late husbands clothes, Ann’s childhood clothes and of course her own clothes that had fallen from fashion. With Grans help Patrick spent the weekend wearing a daytime outfit suitable for a teenager and a second for Saturday evening. 

Sunday evening Patrick had changed back into his own clothes ready to go home, having spent two whole days wearing whatever dress or skirt and blouse combination he chose now he was feeling sad at going back to shirt and trousers.

“I wonder if we have managed to satisfy your wondering” Gran said with a smile “Ann will be pleased if your questions stop and I’m sure she’ll forget all about that nonsense with doctors”

“but now it’s created one other thing for me to wonder about Gran” Gran looked puzzled as he added “now I wonder what it would feel like to wear them a bit longer, you know, until a dress felt…normal and trousers felt…well not”

“Would you like me to ask Ann if you can spend school holidays here?”

Ann was so thankful that Patrick’s questions had ceased, her mother must have been right - just a  phase he was going through. Patrick’s visits to Gran became more regular as Ann’s relationship with John blossomed, that summer she arranged for Patrick to spend the entire school holiday with his grandmother while she spent her leisure time alone with John, it was almost like being a teenager again without Patrick around, Ann was even free to take weekend breaks away with John at a moments notice.

———//———

Gran suggested not bothering to unpack his suitcase when he arrived. It was Summer and dresses with sandals during daytime, black knee length dress or a skirt and blouse with low heels for evening, even stiletto heels sometimes, was how Patrick and Gran spent time in their own little world. Gran walked to local shops alone most mornings while Patrick settled into school projects, usually art. Gradually Patrick began to accompany her, she said that if he softened his voice even his mother would find it hard to recognise him. 

“But what if someone hears you call me Patrick?” He asked

Gran smiled “now don’t forget to bring a purse today…Diane”

It had been so long since he wore socks and shoes that he could walk in sandals or heels without telltale boys tanned legs and white lower legs and feet where socks had been.

Summer with Gran raced by and Patrick felt ever more natural in a dress, Gran nurtured and helped him act out the Summer as a typical teenager, just as she herself had been back in 1920. 

Without realising Gran had created not just a 1920’s teenager but a 1920’s teenage girl living here in 1965.

———//———

For slightly longer than he could remember Patrick had wanted to be an artist, more specifically he now realised, a figure artist. Now he was able to enjoy every moment he spent sitting opposite a full length mirror sketching, re-arranging his dress, how a blouse fell in soft folds as he turned slightly, now legs crossed, legs uncrossed, a sandal, a stiletto hanging from toes, a different room, so many different poses but always with a featureless face. Sketch books filled at an ever increasing speed, they would form a big part of the portfolio he intended to submit for art college entry. 

———//———

Ann had married John, their 2 weeks away a combined holiday and honeymoon. Once again Patrick had spent this time with Gran in his personal heaven dressed in what had now become his favourite outfits, this was his last chance to be Diane before starting art college in Autumn. 

Ann seemed to be leaving Patrick behind as her life moved forward with her new husband. 

Gran had been noticing this for a while now and despite Patrick seemingly being unaware of it she nevertheless made every effort to make the time she spent with Patrick as memorable as possible adding lessons in make-up and even styling his now shoulder length ‘artists’ hair as his mother called it. Patrick made token complaints about how uncomfortable it was to sleep wearing hair rollers but secretly he loved the gentle waves in his otherwise straight hair and would repeat the process most evenings before sketching the results following day.

It would be the last time Patrick would stay with his Grandma for a holiday. For their last day together Gran suggested a trip out to a town about a half hour away by train. New fashionable Italian and American style cafés and coffee bars were beginning to open and in the larger town a Wimpy Bar had recently opened where ‘hamburgers’ were sold, this was to be their destination. They closed windows, checked that doors were locked as they prepared to leave for the train station “I expect this will be the last time we go out before you leave for college” Gran said.

Misunderstanding Patrick replied that he would go wash his hair to get the curls out then put his jeans on. 

Gran looked hurt “why would you do that Diane?” she said

Their heels clicked on the pavement, summer dresses swished around knees and Patrick’s heart raced, they had made it to the train station, already Diane's furthest trip so far. It was not unusual for teenage girls to be shy in public, and without trying Patrick slipped perfectly into character as he whispered to Gran “thanks for everything” lightly kissing her cheek.

———//———

A short while after starting college Patrick had moved out of halls and into a small top floor 2 room plus bathroom apartment, one of 4 converted apartments from a victorian terrace house. To the right of the street door on the ground floor the landlord lived and to the left and older single lady. On the top floor a bus driver lived opposite Patrick’s apartment. Patrick arranged his apartment as a bedsit using the room intended to be a bedroom with its north facing window as his studio. 

Money was tight but by working part time in cafés and coffee shops he was just able to top up his grant enough to buy art materials and food. Most evenings Patrick would ‘head up west’ to find a quiet corner in Leicester or Trafalgar Squares, Soho or perhaps along Shaftesbury Avenue where theatre goers queued. He passed his evenings unobserved discreetly drawing the fashion conscious people enjoying the nightlife that London’s west end offered.

Gran passed away during first half of 1967, then by cruel chance a parcel bearing her flowing cursive handwriting arrived like a gift from beyond the grave a few days later. A long letter was the first thing he came to in the parcel. She asked about college, the apartment, his plans for summer break and how she hoped to see him if he had time. In a note after her signature she added that she had seen pictures showing ‘Mick something’ and some other pop stars in the newspaper wearing shirts just like those she sent. His 3 favourite blouses were freshly laundered and folded in tissue paper.

By the time Patrick arrived back at his old home for Gran’s funeral her house had been cleared and new people had already moved in. Ann explained that as it was rented she couldn’t afford to keep it on.

‘You left this” Ann handed Patrick a sketch book that he had left at Gran’s house “why hasn’t Gran got a face?” 

Patrick looked at the floor between them and shook his head. He took the train back to London and college that same night, his childhood home was now his mother and her new husbands home and soon to be the home of their new baby, his old bedroom already re-decorated as it’s nursery.

———//———

While out sketching Patrick would sometimes see someone in a crowd wearing a dress that reminded him of a favourite dress he had worn then he would slip back into Summer of 1965 walking with Gran to the shops, then on looking up the street in front of him seemingly seconds later the street would be empty. Those flashbacks brought with them an empty gnawing feeling inside that only one thing could ever satisfy. 

He had about enough money saved to buy an outfit at a charity shop but Patrick lacked the courage to go in a shop to buy the clothes that would set Diane free. 

Two dreams had tormented Patrick most nights for months now, in the first he would shut his apartment door behind him, throw the shopping bags down on the bed and Diane would be set free. 

In his second dream it was that first day, the day Diane made tea for Gran, as they sat drinking tea she would begin to explain why she chose to rename Patrick Diane when at that very moment Patrick would always wake.

———//———

She had blonde hair, a short pixie cut and wore a tiny mini skirt with a loose barely waist length black blouse, a single rose design embroidered to one side, worn open over a white tee shirt, her long legs were covered in multi coloured horizontally striped tights and finally a pair of oxblood red Dr Martens 22 hole lace up boots. 

Patrick had been sitting alone at the table in the students canteen sketching as he often did.

“what the hell are you staring at?” she had cut across the canteen intercepting him as he walked toward the exit “whenever I look up there you are watching” she stood square in front of him “in the queue at the servery” she looked angry “and since I sat down” 

Patrick apologised “I was looking at your blouse” he swallowed, girls made him nervous “well you and your friends really, I’m on the art course” she stared, he couldn't step around, the ground refused to open up and swallow him despite his wishes “you all look so stylish…mainly I’ve been sketching your blouse” and with that he took his sketch pad from his satchel and held it out like a peace offering. 

She flipped through a few pages “Dolly”she said

“pardon?”

“Dolly” she repeated “it’s my name?” The question mark was invisible but her smile wasn’t

An extra chair had been pulled up to the girls table, Patrick now talking animatedly about art, all nervousness about girls forgotten. His sketch pad was being passed around, Dolly who said her course was ‘fashion’ was explaining how she had made her blouse, her choice of fabrics and colours. 

It was a few days later with the conversation still turning over in Dolly’s mind she finally realised what had been troubling her. Patrick had such an interest in fabrics, lighter materials, how they felt, as if… No she was being silly she told herself. Her mum always said that she let her imagination run away with her. She was being silly Patrick is just a nice guy not the normal low life letch her clothes normally attracted. Perhaps even boyfriend material.

———//———

With part time jobs so easily available - there for the asking - Patrick could pick and choose, some were semi-regular and others a stand in for just a shift or two. The one day job was a stand in at the busy Market Cafe, unsurprisingly it catered for market traders plus the public with a big rush coming at lunchtime. As usual with a new job Patrick received a briefing from the manageress, was told the day’s specials as he fastened the half ‘butler style’ pinafore around his waist. You need to write the specials on the back of your pad she said. 

Patrick said he could remember them and reeled off the dozen specials and the cost as instructed.

A steady stream of customers were arriving for late breakfasts, Patrick walked from table to table taking orders, his order pad and pencil still in his apron pocket. The manageress silently watched him from behind the counter as, with all the customers spoken to, he stepped up to the counter saying to the drinks server “5 teas, 4 with milk 1 with lemon. 7 coffees 4 black rest with milk and a can of Pepsi straw no glass please” as he scribbled the food orders on the order pad placing them as one on the kitchen hatch counter. 

By now the manageress had been joined by the other waitress as Patrick had the entire cafe served, they watched in amazement as tray in hand he distributed the tea and coffee orders to the correct tables quickly following up with food orders as kitchen began to catch up. Customers came and went, the waitress managing to serve a few tables but Patrick in full swing continued at his relentless pace also advising of cost without need to refer to order pads or the price list on the wall. 

During the lunch rush an older guy, Edward, that everyone seemed to know sat in the corner with a coffee watching as Patrick worked, Edward touched Patrick’s arm as he passed.

“Wanna work some shifts in my pub?” he said. Patrick paused and explained that although he would love to at 17 he was below age to work in a pub “I pay cash and 17 is fine by me” which is how Patrick slipped into bar work.

The pub ‘The Kings Arms’ or ‘Kings’ as most people called it, just as most customers called Edward ‘fat Ed’. To Patrick it was always ‘sir’ or ‘Edward’ Patrick worked every Friday to Sunday night which brought him in more money than working in the cafés would have done.

———//———

“The thing is Dolly” Patrick began as they ate lunch together, well in company of 2 young women already sharing the table who were deep in discussion about boyfriends.“I am struggling with eyeshadow colours”

under the table Dolly had gently kicked one of the two women “your eyeshadow colour depends on the colours of clothes you’re planning to wear Patrick”

“it’s a head and shoulders study”

“Light blue would suit you” Dolly said, no need to raise her voice for the other 2 girls to hear, they had abandoned the boyfriend conversation, this was much more interesting. 

Patrick finally realised Dolly had been setting him up. “come on Dolly I’m struggling. My watercolour study has to be in for Monday” he took his watercolour pad out laying it flat on the table open at the correct page. 

Dolly Hmm’d

“you could see how lightening the tone just slightly nearer to the eyebrow works” a voice next to him said “I teach hair and beauty…”

Patrick had passed 18, his life had settled into a routine 5 days a week full time at college or in the bedroom that had become his studio then working at The Kings Arms weekends. Edward had recently taken on 2 more barmaids, Australians who seemed to have taken a dislike to Patrick and his polite manner. “he is such an English sissy” they would often say then burst out laughing when he spoke customers or to fat Ed as the girls openly called him.

Bar staff were a tradable commodity between many London pubs and clubs and were often leant out if one was short of bar staff. Patrick had worked one shift in a ‘Gentlemen’s Club’ which turned out to be a gay club on the Soho border. Much to Edwards annoyance he had refused to go there again.

At the beginning of his shift in Kings, Edward had asked the two Australian barmaids if one of them would work next weekend in the Flamingo Club, both shook there heads “no way” they said in unison “we don’t split” then smiling at each other added “we come as a pair…send Pat”

Edward’s lips revealed his amusement “Pat?”  

The girls exchanged glances, sniggered and nodded in unison as if finalists in a synchronised nodding competition.

Patrick was unhappy at how had his name suddenly become shortened but he hid it and said “no more Gentlemen’s Clubs for me thank you”

“Oh no the Flamingo Club is a private members club for respectable ladies, you’ll be safe there…I promise” Edward said “and they pay very well”

“just perfect for you Pat” one of the girls said “a poor student always needs money”

Edward telephoned the Flamingo club to confirm he would send Pat Adams for an interview Wednesday and will be available to work Thursday Friday and Saturday nights. The Australian barmaids smirked at Patrick for the rest of the evening.

For Patrick the good news was that the wages were much better than Edward was paying him, for three nights at the Flamingo he would earn far more than working 4 at Kings, almost double, bad news was the 1am finish.

Patrick tried the bell push and waited for a reply, a mechanical voice answered.

“I am here to meet Julie Emerson at 10 o’clock” the door buzzed and as instructed Patrick pushed the door open and found himself in a plush reception area, next to a counter for coat check-in to the left of him one enormous mirror covered the whole wall, a waist height dado rail ran around the other walls below which dusky pink painted wooden panels ran down to floor level, above the dado rail the other walls were decorated in a pale pink patterned flock wallpaper. Solid light oak flooring and a black ceiling from which tiny cut glass stars twinkled as Patrick moved forward completed the decoration. 

To his right a door opened and a tall slim woman held out a hand, Patrick noticed her immaculate outfit and even though he had dressed as smartly as a students wardrobe allowed he felt shabby by comparison. Her charcoal 2 piece business suit with knee length pencil skirt and contrasting darker grey low heels. Short dusky blonde hair cut in a bob completed the look and made Patrick want to reach for a sketch pad. 

Plenty of time for that later, with that one glance he would be able to remember every detail in her face as easily as the price of a round of drinks. Careful to maintain eye contact Patrick shook her hand.

She said “I’m Julie, and you are…Pat…?”

“Yes, Patrick Adams Miss Emerson…here for an interview for the barman’s job” 

Julie eyed him up and down noticing the tiny specks of paint on his flared hipster jeans, the stylish and very unusual flower pattern coloured shirt he wore below the trendy jacket with its wide vertical coloured stripes and contrasting patch pockets. It was the shirt that really drew Julie’s attention - even in Carnaby Street it was rare to find men’s shirts that came in anything but solid colours, men’s shirts had buttons on the right and never flower patterns. 

Men did not interest Julie but this trendy young man, masculine yet confident enough to wear a blouse to an interview intrigued her. 

“Come in and take a seat” Julie settled herself behind her desk as Patrick shut the door behind him. “Patrick…please tell me about yourself and how you came to be here seeking bar work”

Patrick briefly explained how he was working to support himself through art college, Edward at The Kings Arms pub had brought him into bar work and now had told him to come along for an interview. 

As Patrick spoke Julie took in the subtle details that she had missed first time around, masculine eyebrows, yet just a little too neat, skin that on closer inspection was almost too perfect even for an 18 year old. Julie dragged her mind back to the interview “can you cope with a busy bar?”

Patrick nodded “Edward has always seemed satisfied”

Julie smiled “what day is it?”

“Wednesday”

“Yes Wednesday, the first of April…April fools day” Julie explained that Edward had played a cruel April fools day joke on them both by calling Patrick ‘Pat’ to imply he was sending a barmaid.

“Well, the Australian barmaids refused to come back” Patrick said, then regretted revealing the fact even as he was speaking.

Julie simply Hmm’ed before explaining that the Flamingo Club was a ladies club and as impressed as she was with Patrick she couldn’t see how she could offer him work “you see all of my bar-staff are female and I’m sure you would find the uniform unsuitable” 

Patrick’s mind was elsewhere, ‘not able to offer him work’ he was thinking how he would make rent next week, how he would pay for the order he had only just placed at the art supplies store, he must have missed something as Julie was looking as if awaiting an answer.

“I said the bar staff uniform is white blouse and black skirt”  still he sat there, Julie could sense a business opportunity but she was unsure what that could possibly be.

“Black trousers for me?”

“no, I’m sorry” Julie smiled “that is the uniform for bar staff”

In desperation, Patrick really wanted, no needed, the money “would I be working behind the bar all night?”

Julie was taken by surprise, was he serious? Only one way to find out she thought, “we supply the uniform, you supply tan tights or stockings as you wish” a smile “oh, and soft soled black or white shoes” a pause “ Thursday, Friday and Saturday 7pm till 1am”

“Will I have to wear a bra?”

This could be good for the club Julie thought, androgynous look, even just a tiny little bit feminised - Oooh some of the girls would just love that look, plus the uncertainty would keep them gossiping “do you want to wear a bra?”

Patrick blushed deeply “I would rather not, if that is OK”

Not a ‘no’ then Julie thought…don’t push too hard…“as you wish” Julie replied “what size are you a 12?”

“Size 10 blouse and an 8 in a skirt” Patrick’s heard his Grandma’s words of warning ringing in his ears “I expect” he quickly added, realising his mistake, then realising ‘I expect’ had only made his slip even more obvious.

———//———

Two new blouses and skirt hung on the back of the staff room door, Patrick had arrived half hour before opening time as instructed. 

He was wearing plain control top tights under his jeans, earlier in the day he had walked into the hosiery section of Fosters department store. Why the hell he had left it until Lunchtime? It was crowded, so many seemingly identical packs of stockings and tights filled the shelves, 

everyone knew he was buying tights for himself, they were all looking - at least that is how it felt. 

He just paused briefly ready to pick up any packet then it happened.

“Can I help you sir?” As guilty as a shoplifter with full pockets he turned. “you looked a little confused and we have so much choice” she smiled 

“I would like to buy some tights please” Patrick said then played the ‘gift card’ adding “a present”

“Of course…for mum or, perhaps, a younger lady?” The sales assistant was a young woman - probably early 20’s, slim, dark hair and wearing the uniform of the store, a navy blue knee length skirt and matching jacket along with sensible ‘on my feet all day’ kitten heels.

“younger, Miss” 

She smiled as she led him over to the sales counter “please, call me Gloria”

“Is that your name?” Patrick blushed “sorry, of course it is…I am Patrick, a very nervous Patrick”

Gloria smiled “OK, well, hello ‘very nervous Patrick’ but there really is nothing for you to be nervous about” she said as she stepped behind the counter and took a box from the back shelf laying out several samples on the counter. “any young lady would love this style as a gift…the very latest fashion, just in from Paris this week” 

She was a very good saleslady, Patrick knew that he would be buying them whatever the price. 

“just look - Manhattan heel, seamed like stockings but without all that fussing over suspenders…tights not stockings and control top would you believe” for reasons best known only to herself she emphasised the ‘and’ then, leaning slightly closer like a secret agent she almost whispered ‘control top’ as if she were sharing a secret previously known only to her “just perfect for a special date, what size does she wear?”

Patrick had not thought this through as far as size, he had intended to just grab a pack of tights, well they stretch plenty, then hope for the best. 

Gloria rearranged and smoothed the samples as she waited for a reply.

“not sure, probably size 8…” Patrick replied

Gloria was flicking through the packs of tights still in the box. 

Had she heard he wondered then, to fill the silence,  added “well I guess about the same size as me should be fine”

She glanced up, for a split second their eyes locked.

Patrick felt right then that if she were a secret agent she had just learnt his most secret of secrets. 

Gloria resumed flicking through the packets in the box “we have just one light tan left in the correct size” she smiled, then like any good sales assistant keen to up-sell asked “anything else Patrick? Some plain ones, for every day, perhaps?”

“thanks, 2 plain pairs please”

———//———

The beauty class was bigger than those of Patrick’s art course, 9 girls each with their own take on what the young ‘London Miss’ should look like. 

 

“now that we have provided free models for your coursework Patrick” the beauty course tutor began “and I think I speak for everyone here now” she smiled “your help would be greatly appreciated if you can spare us a few minutes”

“I would be pleased to help in any way…”

“OK just take a seat and we can begin” the beauty course tutor indicated to a treatment chair, harsh lighting beat down, Patrick sat. 

“to prepare for a fashion shoot” the beauty course tutor had seamlessly fallen into lecture mode as, like a dentist, she wheeled a make-up trolley closer “unlike when we practice amongst ourselves, a male model need show no obvious signs of any make-up” 

Patrick began to relax a little. 

“nevertheless and no matter how handsome the model” the beauty course tutor was in full swing now, Patrick was in for the ride. “And even one with as good skin as our model today” the beauty course tutor’s arm swept across him “some slight assistance is essential” she paused “and thanks to our artist friends generosity we have a live model for me to demonstrate with”

Patrick finally stood and stepped close to the wall mirror, the room lights purposely bright and harsh revealed little evidence of what had taken the beauty course tutor nearly an hour to achieve. 

“Remarkable” he commented as he examined his reflection adding “truly amazing” to no one in particular. He was speaking in artist mode. The beauty course tutor had added another level to Patrick’s understanding of colour. Eyebrows were the thing that had worried Patrick as the beauty course tutor plucked away but now they looked simply ‘tidy’ yet not shaped nor plucked. 

The beauty course tutor held out a plastic bag, he must have looked confused “college policy Patrick, once we have opened and used products on a model they can’t be re-used”

———//———

The club was yet to open, now wearing white blouse and black skirt Patrick made his way to Julie’s office and knocked on the door, surely she had heard him coming with his heart making such a racket pounding away. She noticed how easily, with a familiarity even, he swept his skirt under as he sat down 

“Are you really sure you really want to do this Patrick?” 

“I need the money and well, they are only clothes after-all”

“you can borrow a few pounds and go home if you want, pay me back when you can”

“I promised to work this weekend” Patrick smiled “ and I won’t let you down Miss Emerson…” 

“Well thank you Patrick, in that case we just need to get your hair back into a ponytail and your’e ready for work, your colleagues will be in soon” Julie watched as Patrick swept his hair back, she handed him a white scrunchie to match his shoes and blouse 

“Could you tuck please Patrick?” She asked as Patrick looked into the small mirror on the wall checking for any loose strands of hair.

“tuck?”

Julie pointed to her groin, Patrick looked down and realised how the pencil skirt revealed what lay within even though the control top to his tights held him in “you know…sort of fold yourself back, underneath” she made a circling motion. Patrick turned his back to Julie and made the necessary adjustment. “perfect, but we can’t be calling you Patrick dressed like that, how about we turn the tables on fat Ed and call you Pat?”

“Diane”

“pardon?”

“May I be called Diane please?” 

Although it had never been deep and masculine Julie was sure his voice had softened a little more since she saw him on Wednesday, perhaps she was imagining it. Regardless now with a voice that would no longer give a clue one way or the other the trendy student really was, not obviously feminine and yet not obviously masculine either. 

With his hair swept tightly back against his head he had become totally androgynous. Inside Julie was pleased with her decision, club members would wonder, word would spread like wildfire, even the occasional visitors this weekend would wonder about the new temp. With only 3 days to see Diane for themselves the customers would flood in. 

Julie smiled, profits would flood in, her mind wandered, customers would ask ‘femboy or butchgirl?’ 

‘How could you possibly ask that?’ Julie would reply with a smile.

———//———

Julie snapped back into the moment as she heard voices outside, the other three barmaids had arrived in the entrance hall. Time to prepare for opening, “Alice, Emma, Ellie this is Diane - Diane this is Alice, Emma, and Ellie” Julie said “Alice is bar manager” a smile “go freshen up Diane while we sort out next weeks schedule” 

They watched Diane walk off towards the main club and bar, Diane walked with an ease in the pencil skirt that ended an inch above his knees. 

“In the office please” Julie said before anyone spoke, she closed the door behind them and sat at her desk, the 3 barmaids standing in front of it. Julie pulled out the rota sheet for the coming week “we are still going to be one barmaid short after this weekend. Any luck asking around your friends?”

All three shook their heads.

Julie smiled, there was a slight tension to her lips that they all knew well - an instruction was coming “back to tonight then, Diane is experienced in bar work, here with us for 3 nights depending on how tonight goes. Oh and as it will all be new and strange I would like Diane to remain behind the bar please Alice, no table service”

Always a joker Alice had a little joke planned for the newcomer, it had become a tradition in the Flamingo but more importantly it would be a chance to clear up her confusion about Diane. Alice outlined her plan with Emma and Ellie as they walked from Julie’s office. 

Checking that Diane had changed a beer barrel before Alice showed him the cellar and telling him that restocking the bar from the cellar as the night went on would be his responsibility. 

VIP area did not open Thursdays meaning it would be reasonably quiet for Diane’s first night, a stage area off to the side of the main area used only for special occasions completed the layout of the Flamingo.

Alice, Emma and Ellie were chatting away as Diane came back from the cellar carrying the last bottles needed to fill the shelves.

“5 minutes to opening” Alice said “everyone to the staff room please” Alice shut the staff room door behind her in case Julie happened to pass by. Alice, Emma and Ellie each took a kleenex from the box and almost in formation wiped their lips.

Diane wondered what was happening.

 Alice took a lipstick from her purse “passion pink tonight” 

In turn they stood in front of the mirror and applied the bright pink lipstick. Ellie first, Emma next who then handed the lipstick to Diane as they walked back to the bar only Diane and Alice remained.

Julie never mentioned this Diane thought. He quickly stepped up to the mirror, leant in slightly just as the students in ’beauty’ at college did then purposely laid the lipstick on slightly thick before taking a kleenex from the box. Like the students in beauty did Diane folded the Kleenex in quarters, parted his lips slightly, slipped the folded Kleenex between and blotted his lips and with a smile said “thanks Alice” as he handed her the lipstick before heading towards the bar.

 

Back outside Julie’s office it was Diane’s lack of make-up and heroin thin body had made them wonder, discreet glances passed between Emma and Alice who raised an eyebrow, shoulders discreetly shrugged they still weren’t sure.

Alice, Emma and Ellie mostly greeted the customers by name just the way Patrick did in Kings. Compared to Kings this was a much nicer place to work - no arguments, no swearing, no spilt drinks, no shouting and no Australian barmaids sniggering at him. 

As the evening progressed and customers came back to the bar for refills, Diane also addressed those customers whose names he had heard the other barmaids use by their names always pre-fixing with either ‘Miss’ or ‘Mrs’ depending on wether or not they wore a wedding ring. Very few did.

The evening became increasingly busy and seemingly slipped by quickly, 11 o’clock came up fast by which time the guesses at Diane’s gender had repeatedly swung back and forth between Alice, Emma and Ellie. 

A flat chest and what looked like a mens undervest beneath blouse only added another level of confusion as did the mens jeans folded in the staffroom, is that what young girls at college wore these days? Who but a girl would fold jeans? Plus they were folded neatly, just as a girl would. Diane’s proficiency with the lipstick only served to confuse them even further, as did the nonchalant way Diane readily applied the lipstick. And that lip blotting thing - models did that.

By midnight guesses were one don’t know and two votes for probably a late developer.

———//———

Julie walked into the club for the first time since opening. Ellie and Emma were polishing glasses, Emma gently nudged Ellie with her elbow and they both giggled. Julie had already noticed their matching lipstick, now she spotted Diane. 

At that moment Alice came back from the toilet, Julie smiled, leant in “matching lipstick for bar-staff is a great idea Alice, please consider it a rule now” then slightly shook her head before heading off to speak to a group of 4 women sat in the corner.

Evening over, the bar had shut, glasses washed and the bar tidy. Julie joined them for a nightcap, the bar staff sitting on stools while Julie played host and served the drinks. Diane the sole teetotaller had water while the others enjoyed their favourite shorts. “so, Diane how has your first night been?”

“everyone has been really nice, I’m really enjoying working here Miss Emerson”

“How did Diane work out tonight?” Julie asked Alice once the others had left.

“He…She…I mean Diane fitted in…”

“STOP right there, not one more word” Julie demanded, instantly in full on angry mode. She wanted to stamp this out. “How the hell would you have felt as a teenage student alone in London struggling to earn a few pounds to support yourself then your new workmates ask what gender you were Alice?”

Alice had overstepped the mark, she waited, she knew from previous experience that Julie would have more to say.

“If you had said that in-front of the others…” Julie paused for effect “well lets not go there…”

Julie went on to say how she had been discreetly watching Diane working on and off during the evening, had seen the effort to be friendly and polite to customers. “If we make Diane feel part of the team it could help solve our staff shortage problems, you know what happened the last time”

“Don’t remind me” Alice interrupted “those two from the Kings Arms” she gave a theatrical shudder

“Exactly” A calmer Julie replied “do you think Diane would fit into the team?”

“If tonight is anything to go by” Alice replied “yes”

“Now regarding our conversation” Julie said “as bar manager Alice, what are your thoughts regarding Ellie and Emma?”

“leave it with me” Alice replied “I will have it all sorted before tomorrows shift”

Instead of a nightcap at the bar on Saturday night Alice summoned Diane to Julie’s office at the end of his last night. Julie and Alice sat on the opposite side of the desk to Diane. “before you leave tonight Diane” Julie said “we wanted to have a little chat, Alice and I have spoken about your work here this week” as she handed him the envelope with his wages in “I would like you to consider accepting a permanent job with us, take some time to think it over”

Diane said how much he had enjoyed his time at the Flamingo, thanked Julie for her kind offer, then added that he did not need to think the offer over, Julie and Alice glanced at each other as Diane added “there is nothing to consider, thank you for your kind offer Miss Emerson, I accept”.

———//———

Diane was still changing when Ellie arrived at the Flamingo a few minutes early, still in skirt and vest he was in the process of buttoning his blouse. 

“I’ve had been trying to work out what you wear under your blouse” Ellie said “my mum would have had a fit if I went around without a bra” she laughed but a kind laugh.

Ellie discreetly watched as Diane nimbly fastened the blouse buttons.

Diane replied that without something to hold it in place every time he lifted an arm a bra would slip up then he would be constantly trying to pull it down, he turned away to hide his blush.

“I had that same problem a few years ago, even though I didn’t need a bra when my class mates started wearing them so did I” Ellie lightheartedly added “perhaps you’ll have to go see Dr Smithers over in Harley Street if time doesn’t solve that…” a smile “or buy one of these…she gestured generally to her body, that’s why I wear a basque most times, the suspenders take care of your stockings as well”

Patrick really wanted to ask about Dr Smithers but just let it slide. 

It was  a Friday morning, Patrick had shopping on his mind and as nervous as he felt inside about going into a lingerie store he wanted to wear a basque like Ellie wore not a mens vest. 

Diane occasionally got glimpses of how lacy Ellies was when she wore one of her thinner blouses. 

After shopping he was meeting up with Gloria from Fosters Department Store for a coffee. They had become friends over the last few weeks as most nights his tights managed to ladder themselves, he always bought his replacements from Gloria. On way he stepped into a telephone box, looked up Doctor Smithers telephone number in the directory hanging there, put some coins in and dialled the number. 

It rang once before a female answered, Patrick said that he had been recommended by a friend, he spoke in his Patrick voice.

The receptionist asked his name, Patrick gave his name adding that at work he was Diane. She spoke about the support offered by Dr Smithers even outlining cost and possible outcomes. 

Now fully informed of exactly what Dr Smithers specialised in Patrick asked for an appointment, she asked a few questions before finally saying “let me just check when next appointment is…” 

Patrick added more coins to the payphone

“Come along Monday at 12 noon, you need to set one hour aside for the appointment and bring the fee in cash, we do not accept cheques”

“I will be there”

“Just one more thing, you may prefer to be dressed appropriately for the gender you consider yourself to be”

“pardon”

“Well” the receptionist began “a summer outfit, perhaps a dress?”

Patrick walked along the street to a lingerie shop, he paused outside, walked past, turned around, walked past again. This could go on all day he thought, there was a basque probably just like the one Ellie wore, on display right in the window. How hard could it be?

A bell rang over the door as he entered, the only customer and a sales assistant stared. The bell rang for a second time as he closed the shop door. 

Like a magicians assistant, but without a puff of smoke, a second lady appeared from behind a curtain at the rear of the shop. 

Patrick stepped up to the counter “I want to buy a gift” he swallowed “a basque…white please” 

All conversation in the shop had stopped, all eyes were upon him.

“the lady would need to come in and try one on”

“It’s a surprise gift, size 10 will be fine” he played his ‘gift card’ again. It began to feel unusually hot in the shop, he could feel his underarms beginning to sweat, throat tightening, colour coming to his cheeks.

“That is not how they are sized, perhaps the lady would like a gift voucher?” An emphasis on ‘lady’

“I’ll leave it for now, thank you” Patrick said. For reasons unknown to him he had been defeated. He turned to leave the shop. Why had she made it so difficult?

“sir” she called after him, he turned around “please, do not come back sir…we do not serve your sort here” 

———//———

“Do you have a girlfriend Patrick?” for once they had a table to themselves

“probably not” he answered

“What is that supposed to mean?” A pause “sorry I’m being too nosey, forget I asked”

“well I do have another really close friend, like you Dolly but she’s not a girlfriend in the normal sense”

“Oh…” she let it hang

“that falling in lust thing is not me” Patrick mentally added that comment to his ‘talking to girls’ folder

“please don’t be cross with me Patrick” she held his hand across the table “I’ve been wanting to ask…for a while now”

Patrick said how he saw so many college romances flare up only to fail just as spectacularly a few weeks later “I wouldn’t want for us to end up like those people” he smiled “avoiding each other…what brought this on?”

“There’s a boy…we’ve become good friends…who I’ve a bit of a crush on” Dolly paused. 

“Oh…” Patrick filled the gap “but are we still OK?

“Of course, always” Dolly said as she leant in and kissed his cheek. Would he never take the hint?

———//———

“don’t get upset” Gloria fished in her purse for a Kleenex and handed it to Patrick “why didn’t you speak to me, I will be happy to come with you” 

Patrick said he hadn’t wanted to embarrass Gloria by saying what he wanted to buy. 

“half the world wears lingerie” a gentle laugh “perhaps one more than half soon” she rested her fingers on the back of his hand “let’s finish our coffees I still have enough time left of my lunch break for us to shop together”

They visited a nearby specialist store called ‘Anns Lingerie’. 

It was Gloria who carried the basque, then she picked up some hipster control briefs. Patrick asked why he needed them. 

Gloria smiled “you’ll work it out” she said while laying his items on the counter, then said to the sales assistant “Patrick will pay, I must go back to work”

———//———

Patrick felt confident his trip to the doctors as Diane would be straightforward, he had gone un-noticed enough times when out with his Grandma. Dress and shoes were be the main problem, probably make-up as well - his work skirt with flat shoes would not create the right image, and even if they did Diane being seen leaving his apartment would certainly cause serious problems. 

He bought a Daltons Weekly along with a copy of Exchange and Mart both of which had linage advertisements for ‘personal services’ at the back. Sitting with a cup of tea in a workman's style ‘greasy spoon’ cafe he circled several ‘dressing service’ and ‘spend a day as the woman of your dreams’ type of advertisements with London telephone numbers. 

Taking out his London A to Z pocket map book he located Dr Smithers surgery then finishing his tea and checking to make sure he had enough coins set off to find a telephone box. 

It took a half dozen telephone calls before he hit gold, same area code as Dr Smithers surgery and only around a 15 minute walk from the shop that offered a makeover service. 

To his surprise a man had answered the telephone, Patrick explained what he needed, a makeover day, to hire an outfit, would like to apply his make-up himself then go to an appointment. Time and price were agreed.

It was Patrick who arrived at the shop but Diane who left, his confidence was back and reached a new high when as he came out of the ‘makeover room’ which was simply several racks of assorted clothes plus a dressing table and stool along one wall, only a curtain separated it from the rest of the shop. For Diane he chose a knee length mainly white summer dress with a red Diane design and a square neckline, bare legs and low block heeled red strappy sandals.

Diane stepped out onto the busy London street, a lump tight in his throat as he remembered those times out with his Grandmother, if only she were here to see him now - Diane window shopping in London. 

“Yes Miss?” The receptionist said

“good morning Patrick…well…Diane Adams, to see Dr Smithers”

Money paid Patrick then had his bloods taken by a nurse and begun his assessment with Dr Smithers who led Patrick to speak for most of the hour about his job and the summer living as Diane.

 

If his bloods were OK he would need to pay for a private prescription, the doctor had explained the effect each of the tablet types would have, the importance of patience and resisting temptation in increasing the prescribed dose “it’s a slow process, but at your age Diane we would normally expect encouraging results”

Patrick had decided already to make a day of being out, first taking a bus a couple of stops for no reason other than walking the busy streets all the way back again. Meeting Gloria during her lunch break for a coffee was now top of his ‘to-do’ list. 

He felt excited and happy to have someone to share his news with, Gloria already knew all about his makeover and doctors appointment. Gloria had said she would like to see Diane when he felt ready. 

She was waiting outside their usual café, Patrick spoke her name while still a couple of paces away, she looked right past him and swivelled her head to workout where the voice using her name came from. 

Closer now, with butterflies in his stomach he said “Gloria… it’s me…Diane” 

Patrick hadn’t warned her that Diane would be coming incase she blew him off, he need not have worried. Gloria complimented the dress, they sat at their usual table, she chatted away as if it was Patrick sitting there right next to her. 

“the voice…” Gloria begun “how?” 

With his increased earnings from the Flamingo Patrick had hired a tape recorder which he used to record female voices from the radio and with the help of a recording of the speaking clock as well had been practicing by copying various speech patterns. By way of a demonstration he parroted the speaking clock in perfect upper class english “at the third stroke the time will be 12:15 exactly” 

They both laughed as he added “I’ve been changing my voice at work a little each week”

“Have they noticed?”

“well they haven’t said” Diane said then continued “some times I think they are still not completely sure what to think about Diane”

“probably thought Diane was shy” Gloria said “an innocent young girl”

They laughed, even if he had wanted to, he found it difficult to remember a world without Gloria.

“I’m trying to get up the courage to go shopping as Diane” he said.

“Finished your coffee Diane?” Gloria asked, they stood “lets try a shop together, what is it you want to buy?”

“While window shopping I saw some stilettos in a thrift shop, the colour doesn’t matter much as long as they have 5 inch heels - for practice at home” 

“The colour doesn’t matter???” Gloria added 3 invisible question marks “that sounds like the sort of thing a man would say”

They giggled as Diane tried on several pairs before settling on the two most comfortable - one pair black, one pair in a slightly un-fashionable light tan colour. He walked up and down the shop a couple of times.

“How on earth can you walk in those sky scraper heels?” Gloria said 

the sales assistant chipped in “she walks so naturally” to Gloria

He smiled slipping his feet back into the sandals he replied “my Grandma gave me lessons”

As Diane and Gloria walked back to Fosters he answered her questions about his reasons for the shoes explaining that the others who worked behind the bar enjoyed playing little practical jokes on him, the latest one was pretending that the staff toilets were out of order then forcing him to walk the length of the club in Alice’s kitten heels as they had decided that flat shoes were not allowed outside of the bar. Gloria laughed when he explained how he pretended to stumble and lurch a little in her 2 inch heels. They had arrived at Fosters door.

Gloria spotted a hand coming towards her, she stepped back “don’t you dare shake my hand” she said in mock horror “ladies cheek air-kiss their friends, best friends both cheeks”  

Patrick leant in - both cheeks.

A half day at college and Patrick was passing what had become ‘our’ café, it was lunchtime, Gloria sat at what had become ‘our’ table, he went in and Gloria’s eyes lit up as she saw him. She was not alone. An older woman sat on the next seat on the round table who Gloria introduced as her mother adding “I hoped you would call in”

Patrick held out his hand “good afternoon Mrs Straker” then leant in to Gloria air kissing both cheeks and then to no one in particular “please excuse my college clothes, I don’t always dress like this, I’m just on my way home” 

Patrick took the look on Gloria’s face to be fear, inside his head a folder marked ‘practical jokes’ sat on top of the pile of folders. Then their conversation eased into a few minutes of polite conversation until Gloria went to the toilet.

“So tell me all about you” Mrs Straker quickly begun her questioning, Patrick briefly outlined his course.

Gloria was approaching the table from the doorway which was behind her mother. She heard her mother ask “so do you live in halls Patrick?”

The ‘practical jokes’ folder inside Patricks head jumped up and down as if trying to attract his attention, he replied “no I have a small apartment, I am a little different to the other students and my tutor agreed that it would be best all round if I left halls”

Gloria, still out of sight of her mother was shaking her head from side to side and silently mouthing NO, NO, NO…what on earth was he going to say? Surely the college didn’t know about Diane? Patrick had never said, Gloria had never asked.

Patrick paused and then smiled as Gloria sat down “I was just explaining why I left halls” 

Gloria’s lips tightened “Oh”

“the thing is Mrs Straker…” Patrick began “other students on my course considered my behaviour odd, you see, leaving home and suddenly having the freedom to behave without parental control provides the opportunity to experiment…and us art students are considered worst of all” 

Patrick made eye contact with Gloria, her lips barely moved but Patrick still sensed a string of silent ‘no’s’ as he continued “tobacco, alcohol and even drugs really have to be consumed in order to fit in, well, the other students considered my teetotal lifestyle rather odd” 

———//———

The Girls at work were having fun, last Thursday of the month always an especially quiet shift with plenty of time for a little fooling around while catching up with minor cleaning jobs.

Patrick had his sketching satchel with him which looked a little like a trendy shoulder bag, the sort they sold in a Kings Road boutique. A comment of ‘is that just one nights make-up Diane?’ set the ball rolling, he laughed along. Alice and Emma had wandered off to freshen their make-up, the club was still quiet, no customers waiting at the bar and only a few tables occupied. Ellie caught Diane off guard when she said “penny for your thoughts” he had been gazing into space lost in thought, without realising. 

Diane replied “just thinking about when and how to know when it goes from one cheek to two” which is how the discussion about kissing innocently began and during which Diane revealed the only people he had kissed was his mum and Grandma, there was a pause in the conversation, Alice and Emma had finally reappeared.

“What are you two so deep in discussion about?” Alice said 

“We were just wondering where you two were” Ellie replied “is it ok if Diane and I go freshen up now?”

Ellie stood just inside the staff bathroom blocking both cubicle doors, Diane’s back was against the door “show me innocent Diane how you would greet me if I were your best friend” 

Diane leant in and repeated what he had done with Gloria.

“Oh very proper Diane” Ellie said with a smile, she had that wicked look about her that Diane loved “would you like me to  show how I greet a best friend?”

Diane nodded, perhaps a little too eagerly.

Without a word Ellie stepped in just another inch or two, let her left hand lightly rest on Diane’s hip then one cheek, Ellie’s lips brushed across Diane’s as she moved to the second cheek. 

Ellie stepped back, “now you try it” … “good first try, now again with eyes open Diane”

Diane’s hand still rested on Ellie’s hip, he was unsure what would happen next.

“My word you are a quick learner, see how our eyes lock in that split second?” Ellie said, her voice now deeper, quieter.

Dianne nodded.

“So you’ve really never had a girl kiss you?” 

He shook his head 

Ellie stepped in again, closer this time, bodies pressing, without a word she slid one hand from hip to the small of Diane’s back, she breathed out gently as her lips parted slightly just before their lips touched, 

Diane felt the warmth of Ellie’s breath, their lips touched, Diane was shocked to find another tongue exploring her mouth. 

“We’re not playing dead fish” Ellie had pulled away “You are supposed to be following my lead, try again” … “better, much better”… “now you try”

Diane stepped in, put a hand on Ellie’s hip, stepped closer, hand slid into the small of Ellie’s back..it was hot almost damp, lips just slightly apart then a slight breath and the kiss. Ellie’s back really was hot and damp now, Mississippi one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three, Mississi… 

Ellie finally broke off, stepped back “that’s enough…I can’t do this with you Diane” 

Diane thought Ellie had a sort of angry look in her eyes, a look he hadn’t seen before.

Putting that nights colour of lipstick which they all wore in Diane’s hand she locked the cubicle door behind her “just don’t do the lips thing casually to acquaintances you’ll give off the wrong idea” Ellie said from inside the cubicle.

Diane was serving a customer when Ellie eventually returned to the bar. Alice asked her if everything was OK as Diane seemed a little flustered when she returned. 

Ellie just replied that she had mentioned to Diane it might be nice for her to greet her workmates in a little friendlier manner“

Great idea Ellie” Alice said “I’ll mention it to Emma”

Quiet nights made the hours seem to pass in slow motion which is exactly what was still happening. 

“OK, Diane and Emma” Alice said “this bar is still looking too full of staff, you two can take a drink and sit at one of the tables to make the club look a little busier, we can swap over in a while if it is still quiet”

They took a table near the bar. Diane started asking questions about Emma’s day job as a solicitor, it was the first time they’d had a chance to really chat one to one. Diane’s plan to distract Emma had worked, she continued talking, the subject slipping into why she worked evenings, ex partners, family. 

All that Diane needed to do was ask leading or open ended questions when Emma slowed down, she hadn’t noticed Diane remove a sketch pad and pen from the satchel. He held it in his lap, his arm moving constantly yet he hardly ever looked down. 

Alice had spotted what was happening and alerted Ellie, all they could see from their place behind the bar was the top of the pad and Diane’s arm moving.

Without any customers waiting to be served Alice slipped out through the back of the bar towards the staff toilet, skirted around the edge of the VIP area approaching the table from behind Diane 

“sorry to interrupt you girls, time to swap over” Alice said. 

Diane bent to pick up his satchel 

Alice saw the sketch pad a little better “may I see please”

“just a rough sketch” Diane said handing over the pad

“Can I look through?”

“Sure”

 As Alice looked through the sketch book Diane said  “hope you don’t mind Em I have been sketching you while we talked. You can have the sketch or I will destroy it if you would prefer” 

Alice wondered when Diane had become close enough to call Emma ‘Em’ as she passed the pad back to Diane who handed it to Emma, she stared at it without saying a word for what seemed an age.

Diane thought he may now have upset Emma as well as Ellie with the kissing episode. Just Alice to go then he would have upset everyone.

“Destroy it?” Emma said “my mum would love it, can I have it please?”

Emma and Diane were back working behind the bar, Alice and Elli had drinks and sat at the table, Julie joined them for a few minutes saying that with only a hour left Alice could let 2 of the girls go home early before she moved on to chat to some customers. 

“Why don’t you take Emma with you Ellie” Alice said

When Diane reached the top of the cellar stairs Alice was waiting “OK what happened with you and Ellie?” 

“nothing” Diane blushed 

“then why the blush?” Alice replied “spill the beans Diane”

“really…nothing happened”

“may I remind you that I am your manager Diane, if we can’t talk about what happened I’ll have to report the incident to Julie” 

Diane to decide to come clean, it would be easier to tell Alice than be summoned to Julie’s office. 

“well…it was all my fault” Diane began by explaining how the lesson in greeting friends started but not how it ended “so we haven’t had words, it was just a little awkward”

“show me” Alice said

“pardon?”

“Show me what you did with Ellie” Alice took a step towards Diane “now” she said in the sternest voice she could manage.

They were standing about a foot apart, Diane stepped forwards, stepped in just another inch or two, let her left hand lightly rest on Alice’s hip, one cheek, Diane’s lips brushed across Alice’s as she moved to the second cheek. 

Alice had stepped back, she smiled “well, I would suggest you don’t EVER greet your mum like that”

Diane noticed a slight blush to Alice as she said how she agreed with Ellie’s suggestion that Diane greet in a more friendly manner “not being bitchy Diane, but we did think you were just a little stand off-ish sometimes” she smiled “a cheek kiss will be plenty though”

They both laughed as Diane replied “I was just a little shy”  

———//———

A letter lay on the shelf just inside the communal front door addressed to ‘D. Adams’ Patrick took it to his room, made a cup of tea and sat staring at the envelope, he had thought of little else the last 2 weeks. News, good or bad, awaited inside that thin brown envelope, still slightly unsure of what he really wanted, unsure of what would be good news he picked up the envelope, if it was a prescription is that what he really wanted? Would there be no going back? Would he ever want to? Inside a simple short typed note, blood tests were as expected, Diane may call into reception and pay for the prescription, a reminder that one course of tablets to be started immediately, second added 2 weeks later, a note that cheques were not accepted was at bottom.

Patrick decided he would at least get the prescription, he walked to the telephone box and made arrangements with Geraldine at the makeover shop to call in Wednesday then telephoned Gloria at work using his Diane voice to the switchboard. When Gloria came to the telephone he asked if they could meet for coffee Wednesday. 

“Diane…is that you? They both giggled, Gloria said it was her half day “what a treat - an afternoon shopping with my best friend, let’s meet outside our café.

‘my best friend’ Patrick was unsure how long he had been standing in the telephone box thinking but it was long enough for an angry woman to knock on the glass and shout “hurry up” at him

Each morning Patrick would put on his heels for no one but him. The hours, the days spent in front of his easel in his heels had paid dividends, now he could live forever wearing them without the slightest discomfort. 

Diane just loved the sound of his heels on the pavement, today he brought his own black stilettos with him, the swish of the calf length pleated burgundy skirt. Over the dusky burgundy, almost deep pink blouse he wore a long black double breasted coat with astrakhan collar which completed the outfit, winter winds were beginning to blow, even so Diane preferred to leave it leave it unbuttoned, the wide belt hanging at the back loose in it’s loops as was the fashion. He wore his shoulder length hair loose, a parting off centre just enough for it not to be accidental with a burgundy hair slide to one side. Diane paused, window shopping was such fun, his reflection as much as what lay inside.

Geraldine at the makeover shop had said “I know it might be bad for my business to ask, but why on earth do you still try and dress like a man Diane?” Then complimenting Diane on choice of outfit he overacted as he looked around as if to make sure no one could overhear “just between us, most of our customers have a rather more tarty look in mind” 

They both laughed.

“One more thing then you’ll be ready to face London” Geraldine took his own bottle of channel number 5 from his purse and spritzed Diane behind the ears, then took his hands one by one spraying both wrists.

Ellie walked along the crowded pavement, across the road Diane stood near a café. 

———//———

Diane stood outside their café waiting, eager to see Gloria approaching, they both wanted to meet outside the café, to be seen, together for all the world to see. There she was, already crossing the road from the Fosters department store staff exit.

‘Wow’ Ellie thought to herself as she spotted Diane ’love that look’ as she waited for traffic to ease to allow her to cross the road a young woman walked straight up to Diane, they greeted and went into a café. Even at that distance she could see from the way Diane greeted the woman they clearly did not need company. 

Instead of crossing the street Ellie walked on. 

Gloria spotted him gave a little wave and a smile. Diane purposely walked a couple of steps past the café entrance. They stopped a foot or so apart, exchanged greeting, all smiles, Diane took a step forward, hand lightly rested on Gloria’s hip, one air kiss, lips brushed, second air kiss. Gloria stood staring for about one and a half Mississippi’s not that Diane was counting. 

They sat opposite sides of the table with coffees chatting - two young girls about to embark on the most important thing in the world - not just shopping but clothes shopping. Diane mentioned Geraldine when Gloria said how much she liked Diane’s perfume 

“Geraldine sprayed me” 

“Geraldine sounds nice”

“she is…well…not being bitchy…it’s such a shame poor Geraldine can’t seem to loose that deep voice”

Gloria had that amused look “not being bitchy?”

“sorry Gloria, I picked that that up from the girls at work”

“I was wondering, well not sure if I want to ask, or if I should…”

“go on - you can ask me anything Gloria” 

“Where did you pick up what you did outside?”

“Oh…” Diane blushed deeply “did I act wrongly” 

Gloria shook her head “not at all”

Diane explained how he is treated like one of the girls at work and how he let it slip that the only person he had kissed was his mum.

Gloria ordered 2 more coffees. “and…”

“and, well you know how they tease me, I guess I just walked myself into a situation that left me open to being teased…”

“go on…”

“to make matters worse, if that’s possible I mentioned being unsure about the etiquette of cheek kisses” not wishing to voluntarily reveal that it was a one on one Diane continued “and well they demonstrated the different types”

“So you thought you’d practice on me?”

“no…not practice” Diane swallowed, felt a deep blush “because you are special”

Gloria leant across the table, just the briefest light ‘sisterly’ kiss on the cheek “you too”

With so many beautiful clothes shops in London the afternoon soon slipped by, they both carried several bags, two complete outfits for Diane and for Gloria what she called ‘outfit expanders’ things that would go with things she already owned but to create a new look. They were in House of Fraser, what chest are you Diane? Gloria asked. 

Up two flights of stairs to the underwear section where she picked up 2 white bras in the ‘young miss’ section “you should get these Diane” 

Diane quietly said how they slid up when he lifted his arms 

“many young ladies have exactly the same problem, these have really stretchy shoulder straps for exactly that reason and the bra really will stay put” 

“I don’t have a need”

“people will notice you don’t wear one”

“some have”

“Oh the ‘girls at work’ again I suppose?”

Diane nodded and took the bras from Gloria

“As we are so close can I say something?” 

Diane nodded 

“without being bitchy…” Gloria smiled “you should always wear a bra” they both giggled 

“Without being bitchy” Diane parroted, more giggles.

The tannoy boomed out ‘would customers please take purchases to a sales counter this store will close in 10 minutes’

4:52 the clock over the checkout said as Diane paid. 

Where had nearly 4 hours gone? “the makeover shop closes in less than 10 minutes” Diane said “even in a taxi it would take at least 25 to get there from here”

Gloria suggested finding a telephone box. Surely Geraldine will wait a few minutes. 

Diane and Gloria held the handset between them, it was now 4:57 when Geraldine picked up the telephone…wondered where you were…sorry I can’t wait tonight Diane…have you got your house keys in your purse?…great drop by in the morning… the continuous low howling sound of a disconnected line filled the earpiece. 

“We can cry or laugh” Gloria said, what good would crying do “I’ll walk you home”

“I cannot go home like this” Diane said “if my neighbour saw…”

“You could come back to my apartment if I didn’t live with my auntie, she does not even allow me to have visitors let alone girls stay overnight” Diane asked why “it’s a long story, sorry but we are not quite there for me to share that, but I have a suggestion”

There was a voice behind them as Diane and Gloria walked down the short path towards the victorian terrace house that had been converted to apartments. “can I help you” It was the woman who lived downstairs who was just a couple of steps behind them.

“We’re visiting Patrick” Gloria said “from college” 

They stepped aside to allow Patrick’s neighbour put her own key in the street door, the three of them went through into the hallway. The neighbour put a key in her own door and disappeared inside without a word, as Diane led the way up the steep stairs to his small apartment.

He knocked on his own door, Patrick’s voice “Oh hello, come in” Diane’s voice “Hi Patrick” 

Gloria followed suit “Hi Patrick”

They heard the quiet click of a door closing downstairs. 

Patrick plugged his radio in before asking Gloria if she would prefer coffee or tea, with kettle on the gas ring they sat chatting. Patrick on the edge of his single bed, Gloria in the only chair - an upright dining chair. Patrick slipped back in full Diane mode. “how stupid of me” he was saying how angry he was at himself for not taking notice of the time. 

Gloria giggled “I knew”

“what?”

“I kept checking my watch”

“And you let me?”

“How much longer are you going to keep pretending Diane?”

“Why? Pretending? What?”

“So many questions” Gloria said “well for a start…letting my cinderella miss her deadline was just revenge for your ‘little different’ confession to mummy, you had me peeing my pants, she would have gone ballistic if you confessed about Diane. My friend Patrick got me a full interrogation, mummy likes to be fully informed”

“I know” Diane said 

Gloria interrupted “Diane should speak of Patrick in the third person as should Patrick speak of Diane. You never know who is listening””

Diane resumed - Patrick said your mum asked a lot of questions, how long he’s known you, where  you met…

Where did I meet Patrick?

At work, he was buying a gift for me.

Oh, and did you like what I chose?

Yes very much.

Mummy asked me about my relationship with Patrick, I think she quite likes his old fashioned charm, especially with him being such a clean cut teetotal young man, but she did mention what an unusual way he dresses, I laughed - typical student, then mummy laughed as well.

Diane had made tea for them both, opened a pack of bourbon biscuits and sat listening with a sketch pad across his knees. “so what is your relationship with Patrick?”

“Not sure, my friendship with Patrick developed quite quickly, much faster than I usually make friends…what are you doing Diane?”

Diane held up the sketchpad turning it towards Gloria. 

“Can I see your studio?”

Most of the completed work was leaning face in all around the wall, Diane explained that it was course work for final assessment plus a few personal works, the empty easel stood on a tarpaulin spattered with paint, a pair of paint spattered stiletto shoes to one side. 

“You paint wearing those?”

 

Diane nodded, “I do and so does Patrick, he needed to get used to wearing heels” a smile “and now he wears them for no one at all”

Gloria thought about how easily she had set Diane free from Patrick. “I need to be getting home, my Aunt will be wondering where I am, I can take tomorrow morning off to accompany you if you like”

“Thanks for coming back here tonight Gloria, I’ll be fine tomorrow Patrick can drop these clothes off for me.

Gloria stood by the door ready to leave, Diane stepped in and repeated hand on hip, cheek, lips, cheek. Gloria’s hand mirrored Diane’s. 

Gloria blushed. 

Diane blushed “is it all-right to do that?”

“Yes it is very much all-right” Gloria smiled “café at 12?”

At 11 the next day after the last neighbour had left, wait a few minutes, just to be sure then Diane could leave. Diane was in no hurry for Patrick to reappear.

Gloria was already sitting at ‘their’ table when Diane came in, they greeted in what had become ‘their’ way “Patrick couldn’t make it, sends his apologies though” they both laughed. Diane slipped the coat off and sat, Gloria could see the outline of a bra strap, she sniggered 

“what’s so funny G?”

“G?”

“sorry Gloria”

“no ‘G’ is fine, it is sweet, one more thing I like very much”

“Going to tell what you’re sniggering at?”

“Have to whisper” Gloria sniggered, now they both did “every one can see your new bra strap” Diane felt G’s breath on his ear, shivered “what?” 

“hot breath in ear” Diane looked into G’s eyes “I like it very much”

Diane bought the black coat with astrakhan collar that he loved so much from Geraldine at a bargain price and tonight he wore it to work, uniform underneath and with flat soft soled shoes. With the make-up the beauty course instructor had given him he ‘put his face on’ and added ‘midnight cherry’ lipstick as a final flourish, the one he had bought while shopping with G. Quietly he opened the apartment door listening for anyone else moving about, with a pounding heart Diane quietly closed the street door behind him and silently in his soft soled shoes headed off to the Flamingo. Neighbours would have been asleep for hours by time Diane returned.

Patrick rarely appeared over the next few weeks outside of times he spent at college. Today he sat in their café waiting for G, he rose as she arrived, they greeted and ordered coffees, G’s mother came in, Patrick stood “Mrs Straker, what a nice surprise” he leant in and air kissed one cheek.

“and for me Patrick, I was hoping to see you today” she kissed G on the cheek as Patrick added another coffee to their order “we have a table booked at Chimneys for Sunday lunch, I do hope you can make it, Gloria’s father would like to meet you” she smiled at Gloria

“thank you I would love to Mrs Straker” Patrick answered as he wondered how the woman managed to drink coffee so hot, nevertheless she did.

Eleanor Straker was quickly on her way with the parting comment “till Sunday” as she leant one cheek towards Patrick.

Patrick sipped his coffee, G seemed to be about to speak several times then thought better of it. “this is big” she finally said “this is a big, big deal, Patrick I am sorry” G went on to explain that mummy had put 2 and 2 together and made it come to 5.

“well it can’t be as bad as you seem to think”

“You two have met, what, half a dozen times now?”

Patrick nodded

“well, mummy thinks we are a couple”

Patrick took her hand “and that’s bad?” he said missing the meaning of what Gloria said.

You don’t understand, some while ago I was expelled from school along with my best friend, a girls school. Daddy was very angry and sent me to live with my Aunt here in London, they have been putting me under pressure to settle down, find a nice boyfriend…but men, well you know how they are from your nights in the Kings pub, not like you but, well you know…  

Patrick sat quietly, no, he didn’t know what G meant. It puzzled him so gently he squeezed G’s fingers hopeful she would take it as a sign of support…

One of the things I like about you she continued, is that despite working in pubs and clubs you have never become a wide boy - a giggle - or a wide girl. 

Patrick excused himself, took his time in the toilet and ordered more coffees before he sat back down.

Unsure how to begin “I would like to see where work Diane works” G said “can I visit the Flamingo sometime Patrick?”

Patrick thought G may have gotten her thoughts together but this sudden and unexpected change of subject made it seem obvious to Patrick that she had not. 

“I will ask, I am sure Miss Emerson will be pleased to meet you” the silence stretched on, coffees arrived, still silence until finally, in desperation he added “the thing is G I’m not sure you would feel comfortable there”  

Still Gloria remained silent

 

Patrick continued “it is a club for ladies G…well…a certain type of lady”

“You can be so slow sometimes…” Gloria said. 

Patrick waited, still unsure 

Gloria glanced around the café “…do I really have to spell it out for you? …to put it in your words…I am a ‘certain’ type of lady Patrick” G’s eyes were puffy, her face blushed, she took a Kleenex from her purse “now…finally…do you understand?”

———//———

“perhaps if we could get a coffee sometime…” She said as she slipped her knickers on. “then I could ask…” For reasons unknown to him she picked up her pile of clothes then put them on an empty stool that was much closer to him.

“ask what?” He said. 

Now she stood so close that even through his shirt he could feel the heat of her body. Without any real need she put her hand against his arm as she stepped into the tiny skirt. Surely it’s supposed to be the bra first he thought to himself and why did she move so close to him before dressing.

“if you could help me get my design sketches” She paused for effect as she concentrated on hooking the bra “looking better, perhaps even a bit like yours” she smiled “please…please say yes”

Then it happened as it often did, like a slow motion blink. He closed his eyes and saw the scene in his mind like an incredibly detailed photograph…her hand, his arm, the room, the easel with a previously drawn sketch, every tiny detail so much clearer than his eyes could possibly resolve as if it had been captured on a camera of a quality yet to be invented. He filed this scene in the filing cabinet marked ‘to paint’ Even in a hundred years not a single preliminary study would be needed.

‘She’ was Collette a life model, well really she was a poor second year student on a fashion course, a friend of Dolly. 

Patrick had mentioned to Dolly how his course tutor struggled to find life models despite the generous hourly life model fee the college paid, then desperate for cash Collette had badgered Patrick to arrange an introduction to his tutor. 

“you do realise what a life model is?” Patrick had said “that you will have to be naked in front of a whole class of students” 

“I’m guessing” Collette laughed “you might want to approve me first?”

“no thank you” Patrick said 

Collette’s smile quickly faded. She had learnt that skimpy clothes and a flirty manner would not be enough to win her this boy. It only made her want him even more, no one turns Collette down she thought.

———//———

Ellie was clothes shopping, well, window shopping really until she got paid again. It was the coat that first caught Ellie’s eye and she sort-of recognised the woman wearing it as well, but from where?  The woman who had been with Diane, that was it, she was leaving the same café where she saw her with Diane. Just like last time she saw the woman Ellie was walking along the opposite of the road. A slightly younger man was leaving the cafe right behind the woman, they were obviously together and exchanged a few words on the pavement. Nothing unusual Ellie thought and was just about to walk on until they stepped in close, mirrored each other.  Hand on hip, one cheek, second cheek, then without any need for words they parted.  

“Oh, it can’t be” Ellie whispered to herself, just thinking it was not enough.

———//———

Diane and Gloria were taking a tube train, it rattled through the tunnel taking them ever closer to the National Portrait Gallery, the train carriage was empty. They sat opposite sides of the carriage, Gloria reading a paperback novel, Diane sketching G in the tube train setting. 

Gloria was wearing her coat similar to Diane’s but with a pale grey astrakhan collar. 

“I wish we were same size you know” Diane said as he sketched “I would steal your coat away in a heartbeat” he smiled “I just love that grey collar”

Looking up from the novel Gloria said “What are you wearing Sunday?”

Diane swept his arms down his body then smiled.

“Don’t even joke about it” Gloria did a theatrical size shudder “have you been to Chimneys before?” 

Diane shook his head 

“sort of casual formal”

“will Patrick’s college outfit be OK then?”

“that dress would attract less attention” Gloria said

“OK dress it is then…” They both laughed.

They walked across Trafalgar Square and up the wide stone steps, to Diane the gallery felt more like coming home than his small apartment. 

Later they stopped at a new Wimpy bar for a coffee, sitting opposite sides of a small shiny plastic table on small shiny plastic benches Diane said how trendy, Gloria nodded in agreement. 

A woman huffed as she passed them by muttering “disgusting” Then shortly after a man introducing himself as the manager told them to leave.

“we haven’t finished our drinks” Diane replied

“leave immediately or I will call the police” the manager said “and don’t come back”… he waved his hand towards the table “we don't want your sort here”

Finally Diane and Gloria realised they had been holding hands. She giggled “eww you” as she drew her hand away. 

Diane joined in “NO…eww YOU”

For no particular reason other than not being afraid of enjoying each others company without words they walked silently towards the tube station. As they sat waiting for a train on the station platform Diane finally spoke “did you tell your parents Patrick is your boyfriend G?”

“is that OK?” Gloria nodded “do you think he might be cross?”

“the opposite of cross” Diane replied “is my considered opinion”

———//———

They sat side by side in the booth, Patrick on the inside and Collette right next to him 

“you are so good at getting the folds looking right” Collette said “I’ll never get it right” as they sat in a cafe “my attempts always make the material look like sheets of cardboard”

“once you have got it once” Patrick smiled even though being this close to her made him uneasy “the rest follow on until it becomes really easy…look” He sketched lightly in pencil in a page in Collette’s course design sketch pad “just keep trying like this”

Collette scooted even closer along the bench, their legs touching she leant in and kissed Patrick on the cheek “not trying like this?”

As he turned to say no Collette leaned back in. His eyes closed in that slow motion blink as the scene took it’s place in the ‘to paint’ filing cabinet in his mind. 

Collette saw the reason for Patrick’s eyes to close as a clear ‘go ahead’ signal. Their lips met, Patrick had no idea why or how the kiss had begun, no idea how tongues became involved, no idea of how many Mississippi's had passed. All that he did know was that he had to get to his easel as soon as possible.

“get a room if you want to do that” the waitress said “not here”

Collette eased pressure and Patrick took that as a sign, he quickly slid out of the booth after her and stood “I really should be going” he said then walked off.

Patrick saw in that split second that Collette had that angry look, that same look Ellie had that time when she kissed him. What is wrong with women Patrick wondered. If kissing makes them so angry why on earth do they keep doing it? Why me?

Patrick took a bus to Kensington to shop at the charity shops, it was where students shopped, in that exclusive part of London a student budget could afford to buy last seasons designer labels.  

He walked into Chimneys wearing a Suede single vent sport coat,  Brooks brothers button down Oxford shirt, Falmers cords, and a previously unworn pair of Barker brogues. Patrick’s look was fashion magazine perfect, a walking illustration of ‘smart casual’ 

Patrick spotted Gloria, her face lit up as she noticed him. She stood in a group at the bar enjoying pre-lunch drinks. To Gloria’s surprise Patrick greeted her with a brief kiss on the lips and then her mother in his usual one cheek manner, was introduced to a 5th person Esme Foster, Gloria’s aunt, shaking hands with her and Gloria’s father, Adrian Straker.

During coffee the subject of conversation settled on summer holidays, Esme said she still wasn’t up to travelling and with little chance of the situation changing by summer would Eleanor and Adrian like to make use of her apartment in France. 

Eleanor replied she would be holidaying with friends in Monaco as Adrian would be working all of August “perhaps Gloria and Patrick could make use of your apartment Esme?” she said.

Gloria dropped her eyes as if she had just spotted a diamond at the bottom of her coffee cup, her father Hmmm’ed. Gloria, Eleanor and Esme broke the awkward tension and silence by deciding that they should go ’freshen up’ 

Patrick heard Esme say as they left the table “what on earth made you suggest such a thing Eleanor”

Now they were alone at the table tension eased, Patrick chatted with Adrian Straker who led the conversation toward college life. Adrian passed Patrick a business card as they talked.

———//———

Sitting at ‘their’ table in the café they held hands. “now that I’m officially your boyfriend G can I call you my girlfriend?” Patrick asked

“I might be a little hurt if you didn’t Patrick” G squeezed his fingers “why did you ask that?”

“well…” Patrick was gathering thoughts, he opened the filing cabinet in his head looking for the file marked ‘awkward conversations’ then remembered there was a whole drawer set aside for just that subject. “some friends at college seem to have gotten the wrong idea…”

“Friends…” Gloria was thinking how could someone so clever find it impossible to understand people “by ‘friends’ I’m guessing you mean girls?”

“exactly G” this was going far easier than Patrick had anticipated, he mentally closed the drawer marked ‘awkward conversations’. “We become good friends, not as close as us of course, then seemingly without reason they begin avoiding me”

He was careful to avoid mentioning that the avoiding usually followed a kiss.

“go on” Gloria smiled “you are getting there”

“could it be that they wrongly think I could be suitable for their boyfriend?”

“just the girls?” Gloria was having fun now “not the boys?”

“Of course the girls Gloria” what was she thinking Patrick wondered “if they knew that you were my girlfriend…”

“you thought I would come and save you from all of those bad college girls who are only interested in your body?” Gloria couldn’t keep a straight face any longer, she laughed

Patrick put on a hang dog look.

“you had better not let me find out that you keep me secret from your friends” Gloria decided that hurt look deserved a kiss.

———//———

Patrick had made use of Adrian’s business card for the first time several days later when he sent a thank you note to his office address. 

A typed note thanking Patrick for the letter arrived by return and an invitation for Patrick to telephone Adrian’s secretary to make arrangements to meet for a ‘chaps lunch’ one day. 

Whatever Adrian Straker’s motive Patrick would make that telephone call when he was good and ready - he had his own agenda.

With the boyfriend / girlfriend mystery now understood to Patrick’s satisfaction Gloria began to meet him outside the college Wednesday lunchtimes when they both the afternoon off. Recently Patrick had been slipping into the background, often this would be the only chance for Gloria to actually meet Patrick instead of talking about him with Diane. It was like Patrick had become a mutual friend and now college had become the main reason Diane gave way to Patrick. 

First a brief kiss, a hug, then a three Mississippi kiss as they met. Patrick had seen other couples meet and these seemed to be the correct way for students to greet girlfriends. The initial hand on hip was the one thing unique to Patrick and G.

“Oh! What, no crowds of girls chasing you today?” Gloria leant her head against Patrick’s neck “has your official girlfriend scared them off again?”

———//———

Alice was on edge, 9pm Saturday and for the first time Diane was late for work. Julie seemed unconcerned more interested in chatting with two new people who she had brought through the club to a table in VIP section. 

Alice, Emma and Elie had all watched the two women walk through the club with Julie, claws had been sharpened ready to make discreet comments between themselves about the newcomers. 

Both very stylishly dressed, the slightly older one with straight auburn hair a couple of inches below shoulder length wore an expensive looking little black dress which came within an inch or so of knee length, seamed light tan stockings with a Havana heel and mid height black heels. A single row of pearls around her neck, a small clutch bag, Cartier tank wrist watch and fashionable bright red lipstick completed her look. 

The younger one seemed familiar, perhaps she had visited before, she had slightly shorter straight hair curled out at the ends in a very fashionable style, one side pinned back with a wide white hair slide, she wore a white blouse very slightly sheer, just enough to reveal something lacy beneath under a certain light and a tight black berber coarse weave woollen skirt which barely came to mid thigh. She wore the same light tan seamed stockings with a Havana heel but with high stilettos. The same small clutch bag and identical bright red lipstick tied the two newcomers together, a silent but clear ‘we are an item’ warning to the rest of the club. 

Now Emma and Ellie’s chattering drew Alice’s attention…

“and the way she walked in those heels”

“slinked in like a siamese cat”

“and that heroin thin look…”

“claws away girls” Alice said with a laugh “well for now anyway”

After a half hour or so chatting Gloria thanked Julie for inviting her along. 

Julie in turn replied that Gloria would be welcome anytime as either her or Diane’s guest. As the conversation drew to a close, all 3 stood.

While serving three pairs of eyes had been discreetly watching events from behind the bar. Julie spoke to ‘black skirt’ who nodded then Julie spoke to ’black dress’ 

’black dress’ and ‘black skirt’ mirrored each other perfectly as if finalists in a in a synchronised saying good bye contest… Step in, they stood very close, hand touch hip, one cheek, second cheek. Both comfortable in their own silence, without a word needed black skirt and black dress parted.

“are you listening Ellie” Alice’s voice slightly raised

Ellie nodded “sorry, someone just walked on my grave” she had been watching.

Still chatting Julie and ‘black dress’ walked together toward the exit. Nothing unusual there. What was unusual was ‘black skirt’ was still in VIP area chatting to a table at which 3 members sat. 

“I knew I recognised her” Ellie had had her suspicions confirmed “look…Diane…it’s bloody Diane” she said as one of the members stood then cheek kissed ‘black skirt’ 

Thankful that the club was far too busy to be subjected to the endless questions that his workmates would surely feel compelled to ask Diane swung straight into work mode.

Emma came back from serving a drinks order in VIP area immediately asking Alice if she could swap with Ellie as the new heels she wore were killing her feet. 

Alice nodded, Emma slipped behind the bar, kicked off her heels and slipped into soft shoes. 

”Ahhh that’s better” Emma sighed

“Shall I serve VIP Alice?” Ellie asked

Alice ignored the question instead said “Did you walk from your apartment in those Diane?” Alice wore a smirk. 

Diane guessed what was coming, Alice could be so predictable sometimes and now she was falling into the trap that Diane had prepared for a moment just like this. Those hours in front of the easel in heels would finally be paying a dividend. 

Diane nodded and answered “…and would you believe it? I forgot my flats”

“why not put us out of our misery Diane” Alice replied “and tell us how long you have been able to walk like that, in heels that high?”

‘well…now let me think” Diane’s turn to snigger “since I was 15”

“you bad, bad girl pretending to stagger around in my kitten heels” still trying to keep a straight face Alice looked over to a very amused Ellie and Emma and burst out laughing.

“as a special treat tonight - you can serve VIP for the first time Diane…” Alice’s turn to smirk now “you seemed to be so comfortable there”

Emma handed Diane the servers half apron as he headed off toward VIP. 

“How long Alice?” Emma asked

“OH…I’ve slinked around in skyscraper heels since I was 15?…how long…until Diane begs forgiveness of course” Alice replied as all 3 of them laughed

Diane had forgotten the order pad, Alice picked it up and showed it to Emma and Ellie before putting it under the bar “we’ve run out of order pads…poor Diane will have to serve a table at a time” they all sniggered.

Diane walked from table to table, chatting, laughing and exchanging words as she went, having spoken to all the occupied tables he turned and headed back towards the bar. 

“When is Diane going to stop chatting and come back for an order pad?” Ellie asked no-one in particular.

Diane finally arrived back

“order pads are out of stock” Alice said “you’ll have to serve one table at a time”

“that’s OK” Diane filled a tray with drinks and walked back to VIP then came back and repeated the process. Having caught up Diane rang the drinks up on the till then distributed change to the various tables. 

One Hour passed, then two. VIP area was full and still Diane seemed un-hurried even serving the occasional customer at the bar while making up drinks for VIP. 

“two questions” Emma asked as Diane prepared another tray of drinks “what’s her name and how long have you two been an item?”

“Gloria” Diane said “and since time immemorial” she was smiling inside and out as she heading off with the tray of drinks.

Alice noticed Julie had watching for a while from the back of the room and wandered over. Julie said “well we’ve discovered that our Diane has a sense of humour” a laugh “and now seems to be surviving another of your little jokes Alice”

While working Alice and Emma had managed to exchange a few words, Gloria the only subject they spoke of. 

Alice leant in then whispered “well Diane and Gloria certainly made a statement tonight”

Emma nodded then whispered back “and now the whole club knows Diane is off limits”

———//———

One benefit of a student union card was cheap or free ‘on the night’ admission to many West End theatres. Patrick had borrowed a union card for Gloria from one of the girls at college. Patrick and Gloria waited outside Shaftesbury Theatre in the hope of standby tickets for the evening performance of Hair

“Two seated together” the doorman called out, Patrick showed the 2 student union cards to him and they were in. 

Gloria had been having fun teasing Patrick as they waited in the queue “what would Diane say if she walked past?” She slipped her hand into Patricks “us holding hands and all” it was working, even by street lamp light she could see Patrick colouring up “and if she walked past right now” she leant in and briefly kissed Patrick on the lips. 

Patrick had stepped closer slipping his hand to the small of Gloria’s back, lips slightly apart, gentle hot breath, a kiss, tongues…Mississippi one…Mississippi two…Patrick counted off in his head unsure how many Mississippi’s  this should go on for. He the felt light pressure from Gloria ease, he stepped back slightly “…what would Diane say about that G?” Patrick said with a smile.

———//———

Three girls still sat at the table. 

“so that’s the one??” Girl 1had added two invisible question marks yet all three knew they were there.

“now we know who is responsible” Girl 2 said without waiting for a denial “those dreamy far away looks when you’re in class” 

They were in full swing now.

“her body sits at this table” Girl 1 said “but her heart just walked out the door”

“for Gods sake you two” an angry looking Dolly interrupted “he’s just a friend”

“but, how close we want to know” Girl 1 said

Dolly huffed, then leaving her un-drunk tea on the table she stood and wordlessly stormed off in the same direction that Patrick had taken.

“she’s in love” Girl 1 said

“again” Girl 2 replied

They giggled.

———//———

When the curtain came down at the interval Gloria said “let’s stay sitting here Patrick while everyone goes to the bar, we really have to talk, I’ve been bursting to tell you since last night” 

Patrick hadn’t ever seen G this excited “daddy telephoned Aunty Esme last night, then she called me to speak to him…and guess what?”

“I cannot imagine what he would say to get you this excited” Patrick said, he was a poor liar but he had to act surprised at the ‘news’ that he had known for days “…has he has won the football pools?” He suggested

“that wouldn’t be as exciting as what he said” Gloria squeezed Patrick’s hand “he suggested we go to Aunt Esme’s apartment in France” she squeezed tighter “for the whole of August, just us”

Patrick managed to act surprised enough to avoid suspicion. 

“You, me and Diane” Gloria’s eyes were open but in her thoughts they were already in Bergerac. Then a seriousness came over Gloria “just one thing has been worrying me Patrick and I’m still not sure how to raise it”

Patrick remained silent gently squeezing G’s hand

Gloria said how she was worried that Patrick would take the holiday as a sign to take things to the next level. 

“Is that what you want Gloria?”

“no, well you know why I wouldn’t” Gloria said “but I know it’s what men expect”

“That’s what I’ve been worried about also…that you would expect to…” Patrick said

“How long can we be happy being together like this Patrick?” Gloria asked

Patrick’s reply surprised Gloria “the tablets I take mean the next level” Patrick began “sex I mean, never will be important to me in-fact Gloria the lack of pressure makes me feel even closer to you” he lightly kissed her cheek “if that is possible”

Gloria smiled, a quick kiss then said how for weeks now she had been dreading the moment when sex threatened their relationship.

———//———

“it’s a tradition for the Christmas show” Alice said “you have to do it, it’s an un-written rule, compulsory really Diane” Alice had been feeling herself gradually loosing control of Diane as he became less new and more settled at the Flamingo. This would probably to be the last little joke Alice played on Diane, well not a little one she hoped, but one to be talked about for years to come.

 

“well I don’t want to” Diane replied “as much as I love working here I will not do it Alice”

Emma had overheard the end of the conversation as she arrived at work.

Without mirrors in the bar area Diane had an idea, as Emma approached Diane held out a lipstick to her “Alice said I can choose tonights colour, lippy me up Em” 

Diane’s back was now towards a surprised Alice, who had suggested no such thing.

“lippy me up?…you students” Emma laughed, then faded to be replaced by as stern a look as she could manage “and who said you could call me Em?” Secretly she liked those times when Diane called her Em.

As soon as Emma took the top off the lipstick tube she realised something was going down. With Diane’s lips finished Emma held the lipstick out of sight stepped up to Alice and said “you next”

Ellie arrived, stared at Diane briefly and quickly realised a joke was being played - but by who and on who? 

Without turning his face towards Alice Diane quickly walked to the office and knocked “could you approve tonight’s lipstick colour please Miss Emerson”

Another of Alice’s jokes seemed to be underway “I’ll come with you Diane to inspect the bar-staff”

By the time they reached the bar all three had their lipstick on “very nice colour for tonight” Julie laughed “who chose the colour”

“I did Miss Emerson” Diane said with a big grin just as turned Julie and walked towards her office.

Alice glanced up as she realised something was happening “why are you three wearing BLACK lipstick?” She asked.

“don’t you mean the four of us Alice?” Diane said

Alice huffed and headed off to speak to Julie about changing the nights lipstick colour. 

Now the three of them were alone and the club still a few minutes away from opening Ellie laughed, “you’re going to pay for this joke Diane”

“what is it that Alice is wanting you do now Diane” Emma asked “what is traditional and compulsory”

“just another of Alice’s little jokes” Diane replied “it’s nothing and for once I’ve refused”

“black lipstick indeed” Alice laughed and said “that’s one up to you Diane, well done”

It was the following week when Diane had a chance to speak to Julie alone when she asked for her permission to secretly go along with Alice’s latest little joke. “you actually want to get up on stage for the New Year’s show in front of the whole club?”

“whole club and Gloria if possible please” Diane said “I don’t want to but the more I lay in bed unable to sleep at night thinking how it would feel to stand there in-front of the whole club the more I realise that I have to do it”

“you don’t have to do it” Julie said 

“I really do have to, I want do…please trust me” Diane replied “I won’t let you down Miss Emerson”

Patrick stepped into the telephone box, if there were a way to dial nervously then this was it. The show was to be an old Flamingo favourite - a drag show with comedians and singers, Julie had given Diane the telephone number. All too quickly a man answered, it was Diane who then spoke to arrange the meeting. 

Julie had authorised the cost of Diane’s costume but it was Lady Bertha who was in charge of the show. Money had been spent on Diane’s costume, the show had been adapted to include Diane. Too late to back out now. Tonight the big dress rehearsal would take place in a rented a church hall.

———//———

“Oh, please come to the night out Patrick” Dolly said “I now you are not on our course but you know everyone in fashion” All the girls would be at the fashion course New Years party with their boyfriends and even though they were just good friends Dolly wanted Patrick as her ‘plus one’

“Any other night” Patrick replied “but I really must go to work that Saturday” It was first time Patrick had ever flat out refused Dolly, he stepped in and gave Dolly a hug, he was getting good or at least better at knowing when a hug was the right response.

“I’m still cross with you” Dolly said as the hug entered it’s fourth Mississippi “but only a little bit now”

———//———

Not a single seat remained empty in the whole of the Flamingo, Diane peeped around the edge of the curtain to locate Gloria, she sat at a table of 6 who included Julie amongst their number. 5 minutes to curtain up, the last drinks were being served before the bar would shut during the show until the intermission.

Gloria had called into Julie’s office when she arrived, Julie greeted her warmly while ordering drinks for them. 

Alice brought the drinks through saying “we are short of a barmaid” as she put the drinks down “no Diane yet” before recognising the visitor as Gloria

“don’t worry I’ve 2 temps coming in” Julie said “did Diane mention anything to you Gloria?”

“I think something has been worrying Diane today” not giving the game away Gloria replied “she has been very evasive about what has upset her””

Alice shut the door behind her, she hadn’t mentioned how she tried to trick Diane into getting up on stage that time, surely that wasn’t the reason for Diane’s disappearance.

They sat quietly sipping their drinks for a minute until Gloria asked if Julie knew what Diane would be performing, adding that she had been completely secretive with her. 

“same with me” Julie replied “it’s a surprise Miss Emerson is all she says” Julie smiled “do you know why she will never call me Julie?” 

Gloria smiled and shook her head.

The file inside Julie’s head had so many questions inside she wanted to ask Gloria, each question vying to be the first.

Gloria said “I have been waiting to thank you for some months now Julie”

Julie raised an eyebrow, wondering why until Gloria continued explaining how a shy Patrick had come into the shop where she worked to buy a pair of tights for work, “without you we might never have met” Gloria said

“Thank goodness you’ve mentioned Patrick, I’ve been on edge every time we’ve met” Julie said “I didn’t know if you knew” before adding “Alice, Emma and Ellie were a little unsure that first week but soon began to consider Diane more of a younger sister. They are all very protective of our Diane”

Julie and Gloria finally finished comparing notes on Diane / Patrick, more a case of Gloria revealing all that she knew and Julie didn’t. They both arrived in the VIP area just as lights across the club slowly faded, the stage was in darkness as the Compère moved to a podium at one side. He had fashionable long black sideburns, a black pencil thin moustache and was dressed in a black double breasted suit and black top hat. A spotlight rose to highlight him, the show began. 

First a few inappropriate jokes about being the only real man in the club, those interested should form an orderly queue outside his dressing room. The spotlight on him faded as he introduced the comedian, a new spotlight focused on the rather plump comedian, he was dressed in a silver evening dress which strained to contain his false breasts, a strawberry wig and silver heels completed his outfit, a singer followed , another comedian then house lights raised for a few minutes and the bar re-opened.

Once again lights dimmed, a spotlight focussed on the Compère who introduced the star act that everyone had been waiting for ‘Lady Bertha’ a big cheer went around the Flamingo. Lady Bertha had a very full blonde wig piled high in a beehive style and wore a far too tight gold lamé evening dress which failed to hide Lady Bertha’s ample belly on which rested massive false breasts. Totally out of character Lady Bertha seemed to have forgotten her footwear and wore short black socks and a pair of black mens Oxford lace up shoes.

The Compere’s spotlight faded but for once the Compère remained in place behind the podium as Lady Bertha stepped up to the microphone and launched straight into a song. The Compere’s voice boomed out “hold on…just hold it right there…” the Compere’s spotlight brightened as he stepped out from behind the podium taking a couple of steps toward Lady Bertha. 

“what is going on here” the Compère shouted “you’re not a lady…you…you are…” Lady Bertha stood immobile staring at the Compère as the he knocked Lady Bertha’s wig off, a gasp spread around the room “you’re a man” the Compère shouted. The whole club was in total silence, transfixed by the pointless altercation taking place.

“How dare you” Lady Bertha shouted back “how double dare you…you…” which is when Lady Bertha retaliated and took a swing at the Compere’s top hat which flew across the stage. Curly hair dropped down to the Compere’s shoulders. Lady Bertha paused briefly then shook the Compère by the lapels and pulled, the tack stitching that held the back of his ‘outfit’ together parted, Lady Bertha let it fall to the floor.

“and what sort of a man do we have here?” Lady Bertha bellowed as the Compère stood there in a little black dress, heels and a white half pinafore around his waist which tented out at the groin.

“how dare you” It was Diane’s voice that screamed back “how double dare you…you beast” 

The Compère took a step back but Lady Bertha was upon him and began laughing then made a grab for the pinafore which came away in his hand revealing not a penis as expected but a pink fabric mouse. Finally the Compère pulled a hidden cotton thread and the mouse fell to the floor. 

Laughter spread and one by one the room stood then began clapping as the stage lights dimmed.

Backstage Lady Bertha hugged Diane, each complimented the other on a brilliant performance, Diane thanked him for all of his help and guidance. Lady Bertha laughed “how about that Diane I only walked on stage, now I get paid for having my wig knocked off” the entertainment had finished a little early but no one cared. Julie arrived backstage, thanked Lady Bertha for a wonderful evening asking if the cast would care to enjoy the rest of the evening as guests of the Flamingo. 

Lady Bertha thanked her but declined explaining that the cast was off to an afterparty at a drag club, laughing he said “a club where they won’t knock my wig off” he leant in and planted a big kiss on Diane’s cheek “ugh! What do men see in women” they all laughed. 

“come join Gloria at our table Diane”

“I should be working Miss Emerson”

“Julie, Julie” she said in a light tone “it’s Julie why will you never call me Julie?” She kissed Diane’s cheek “a night off for you, I’ve brought two barmaids in for the night” Julie smiled “don’t look so worried, they are English barmaids”

———//———

Gloria said “I’ve some great news Patrick, Aunt Esme has written offering me her apartment in France for the summer as she is not well enough to travel” Gloria said as they sat in their café sharing a grilled edamame salad and mint tea as level eleven vegans often do “and, would you believe, Daddy has said it is OK”

Patrick was unsure how to react and said “that’s great news but I’m going to really miss you…won’t you be lonely?”

“She meant for me and any friends I want to invite silly” Gloria said as she nibbled at an artichoke petal then let a pause stretch before adding “I was hoping that you would come for the summer, many artists spend summer in Dordogne…please say you’ll come”.

Patrick said “It would be brilliant to spend a whole summer with you, we both deserve to relax after our finals. Even though I may not look it sometimes they know I’m male… how would your family feel about us living together?”

Diane would have to travel in a suitcase. Patricks passport had arrived, in only 2 months it would be Gloria and Patrick taking the boat train from London to France. 

Adrian Straker had met with Patrick several times since that first lunch. Adrian’s questioning was much more discreet than Eleanor Straker, despite this Patrick found himself revealing things he had not even discussed with Gloria. The time had come Patrick decided to reveal far more than Adrian expected. Patrick said how he had fallen in love with Gloria and wanted Adrians approval to ask her to marry him.

———//———

“Ouch, ouch, ouch” Collette said “is that you Patrick?”

He had been avoiding Collette since the kiss but now she was right behind him as he made his way to the college canteen for lunch. Patrick stopped and turned then stepped back so that he was out of the stream of students all headed the same direction “hi Collette, whats up?”

“I’ve something in my eye” Collette said “will you look please?”

As usual Collette stood too close, Patrick stepped back until his back was pressed against the wall like the back of a sheet of wallpaper. Collette looked up, in her flat shoes she was a couple of inches shorter than Patrick. “step back and I can bend down” he said.

Instead of stepping back which was not in her plan Collette stood on tiptoes. She said “my left eye” exactly as she had planned she let her breasts press lightly against Patrick.

She put a hand against Patrick’s chest as if to steady herself but in reality it was to move his jacket out of her way. 

He looked into her eye. She was so close, way too close Patrick was thinking, so close that she could just take a kiss whenever she wanted.

Collette slid her hand just inside Patrick’s jacket now her hand rested on his shirt. Her eyes opened as wide as a startled deer’s. She gently squeezed just as the boys did to her, she grazed her thumb across the plump rapidly hardening nipple, he let out that low barely audible soft moan just as she would have. 

Dolly was approaching, she saw Patrick hold Collette’s shoulders and move her away from him two squares like a pawns opening move. Patrick turned and ran back the way he had come, back past Dolly completely ignoring her as he ran past.

As if the sole entrant in a standing still contest Collette remained in the exact same place that Patrick had placed her while hungry students with only lunch on their minds dodged around her. 

“what the hell did you say to Patrick?” Dolly said when she was within a couple of feet, she was angry and let it show in her voice “he was crying when he ran past me”

“nothing” Collette said “it’s private” as if the standing still contest had finished she turned and walked away.

———//———

A typed envelope lay in the hall addressed to Diane Adams. Not the usual one from Dr Laszlo, the postmark was wrong for a start and Dr Laszlo’s letters were always addressed to ‘D. Adams’ Diane hurriedly dropped the shopping in his apartment then headed straight back downstairs two at a time and out onto the street. Just enough time to meet G for coffee and share the news.

Diane had taken extra shifts at the Flamingo and Gloria worked extra hours at Fosters. They were on a saving spree hopefully earning enough for a whole new wardrobe of clothes as well as their month in France. They had spoken of little else for weeks now, however the conversation began it would inevitably end with them chatting about France. For once today was different.

Diane read the letter aloud to G that a small art gallery near Whitechapel had written. From the ‘exhibitions director’ Diane told G barely able to conceal his inner pride. Diane had met two people from the gallery months ago while plein air drawing, they liked his sketches, had visited his home studio and now were offering space in the gallery for an upcoming exhibition. 

As obvious as it was to Patrick that he was a last minute stand in, the galleries last choice to fill in for a cancellation as exhibitions were always booked months or even years in advance. If he accepted there would be just 2 days in which to telephone then just 3 more days to select from his portfolio and submit artwork.

Gloria convinced Diane saying that together they could make it happen saying “just imagine how inspired you’ll be when we’re in France…you a London exhibited artist spending a summer in Bergerac” she said “I’m so proud of you”

“Diane will be exhibiting” He replied “they don’t know Patrick”

“Is that a problem?” Gloria asked

———//———

“You will be coming back, won’t you?” Ellie asked yet again.

Diane smiled “a month apart from you is going to be hard enough” he stepped in and hugged Ellie almost sure it was the hugs that followed her asking which made Ellie repeatedly ask. She had become a 4 Mississippi hug. As Ellie snuggled in he wondered if she counted Mississippi’s as well.

Private opening for patrons of the exhibition and press took place on Sunday evening with public viewing beginning the next day, Diane was required to attend the Sunday evening. It shocked Diane even more than Gloria when they saw the price tickets under his sketches, even after paying the galleries commission the remaining money from just one sale would make France financially worry free. Two sales and even more clothes shopping would also be necessary for them both.

Gloria mingled leaving Diane free to answer questions. The exhibition manageress asked how Diane was enjoying the event. “one of my pictures hasn’t a price ticket” Diane said

“is this your first exhibition Diane?” The exhibition manageress asked

Diane nodded. 

“buyers remove the ticket” The exhibition manageress smiled “pictures without tickets 10 minutes into preview are a good thing…a very good thing” 

The exhibition manageress pointed out the sole reporter to Diane saying she should chat to him giving as much back story on the art exhibited as possible, give him plenty to write about she said, adding that although he was only local press he had contacts with national papers and often supplied copy to them for gallery reviews.

———//———

It was the Tuesday after opening night that Collette saw Patrick walking along the street. He had been avoiding her, even missing classes where she was the life model. 

Collette was pleased that their paths had not crossed, her mind had been in turmoil since that day in the corridor, despite discovering that Patrick has breasts she thought how she would probably still give herself to him in a heartbeat. Then a feeling of shame suddenly swept over her for feeling that way. She could feel colour coming to her face. Collette was not a lesbian and wondered to herself how she could feel this way. The reality of being intimate with a girly boy struck home, she could feel anger welling up inside her now. 

Anger at thinking she had ever wanted him…her…it…

Collette saw Patrick close the curtains of his apartment then as she stood wondering what she would do next, wondering if she were a man..would she punch him…at which point a movement in the window caught her eye. Collette stepped back out of sight into the narrow alleyway between two houses like a brightly coloured snail retreating into its shell. 

A woman opened the curtains then she walked briskly along the street. Without knowing why Collette emerged from her shell and followed her, it seemed that watching those police dramas was not a waste of time after all as she easily followed un-noticed. 

The woman carried Patrick’s artists satchel over her shoulder Collette noticed as the woman slipped through a door and into an art gallery, through the window Collette saw the woman open the satchel and take some paper out. 

Keen to know more Collette walked on around the block, the second time she passed the art gallery the woman was gone. Collette walked into the gallery and began looking at the pictures on display.

“she’s a very popular…a new artist” the gallery manager said “if you had been a few minutes earlier you could have met Diane”

“Diane…what is her other name?” Collette asked as she spotted a pen and ink drawing with a watercolour wash of a woman sitting in a cafe booth. Not any random woman, the picture showed Collette with a sketchpad in front of her. It was that day of the kiss. The anger was back.

“Diane Adams” the gallery manager said “that one is sold” she looked back and forth - picture to Collette, Collette to picture -  “that girl in the picture looks so much like you it could even be you”

“you think so?” Collette replied

“well…whoever she is she seems to be a regular model for Diane” the gallery manager “she is in several of Diane’s works”

Collette shut the door behind her, so angry she wanted to scream, to lay on the floor and scream and cry until her body ran out of both scream and tears. How could she have been so stupid? Collette had loved Patrick so much she couldn’t even sleep or eat and He…or is it She has just treated her as an artists model. Collette felt worse than she did those times she had been used and then discarded by boyfriends. “I’ll make him pay” Collette whispered to herself. Just thinking it was not enough.

———//———

“Shall we visit Paris on the way?” Diane asked

“As we have to change trains at Gare du Nord, it would be rude not to” Gloria said. 

Diane slipped his hand onto G’s “perhaps a couple of nights…all the tourist sights…even visit Eiffel Tower?”

“and what about the artists quarter?” Gloria suggested “Pigalle, Montmartre…I can’t wait”

“spend some artists earnings around Latin Quarter” Diane replied “then the train south to Bergerac” 

Diane could see their future together stretching out before him clearer than ever before, looked at Gloria, blinked slowly and went to file the image away in the drawer in his head marked ‘us’ then made a mental note to order an extra filing cabinet.

———//———

Gloria and Patrick fell in love with Paris during their two night stay. After checking into their hotel and a change of clothes they set off to visit galleries and the artists quarter at Montmartre, then finally a shopping detour in Passage Jouffroy. 

Until they arrived at the apartment Patrick would remain Patrick and Diane would remain in the suitcase. In rural France neighbours would notice who arrived at the apartment and probably were still in contact with Gloria’s aunt, Esme Foster. 

Gloria had spent hours meticulously planning. Gloria would arrive at the apartment with Patrick then after 2 days Patrick would be called away back to England and his sister would arrive to keep Gloria company, then Gloria and Diane would be free to spend the whole summer together. 

The traditional apartment block was built in cut stone in the ‘mansion style’ that had been popular in rural France during the nineteenth century. There were six apartments in the building, one apartment each side of the wide stairwell spread over three floors. From the footpath wide stone steps led up to a spacious foyer where the concierge sat behind an impressive mahogany counter. Esme’s apartment occupied the right hand side of the first floor.

The taxi driver left their suitcases just at the top of the steps.

Speaking briskly in French Gloria said “Hello Gerald, this is my guest for the summer Patrick Adams” as the concierge walked around the counter to greet her.

“What a pleasure to meet you again Miss Gloria and Mr Adams for the first time” Gerald said as he picked up their suitcases.

Patrick was even more impressed as Gloria showed him around the the apartment after they had unpacked their suitcases, the furnishings were not so new as to be luxurious nor so old as to be bohemian.

It was a perfectly middle-class setting for perfectly middle-class people.

The apartment’s entrance opened to a wide hallway with doors to two large well furnished bedrooms each with an adjoining bathroom, a third door led to the ‘day’ restroom. Wide double doors opened into a spacious living room with a dining area, a sitting area furnished with overstuffed sofas and chairs, two pairs of glazed doors opened out onto a spacious balcony which ran the full length of the room. On the opposite side of the hall from the living room was the door to the kitchen.

With the tour complete Patrick commented how there seemed to be more rooms off of the right side of the hallway than the left as they stood in the kitchen. “what is between this kitchen and the bedroom?”

“The staff bed-sitting room, bathroom and maids stairway down to the back of the apartments through there” Gloria pointed to a door in the kitchen.

Patrick tried the door, locked.

“The keys should be on that hook” Gloria pointed “if you want to look’

The door opened into a bedsit and although small compared to the rest of the apartment it had a nice homely feel with a single bed to one side, a bedside table, lamp and small radio. There was a built in 2 door closet with drawers underneath and on the opposite wall a 2 seater sofa completed the furnishings. At the end of the room a further door opened into a small combined shower and laundry room. 

Gloria opened the closet doors and drawers “I played in here sometimes when I was young, look Chloé‘s uniform is still here. She was the maid when Aunt Esme lived in this apartment before she moved to London when war broke out”

Gloria  noticed that Patrick was blushing as he said “my Grandma had clothes like these in her closet” he reached out and touched a dress, feeling the fabric, coarser than either of them would choose to wear nowadays “Gran had hers on hangers covered in dust protectors just like these” Gloria let the silence stretch out until Patrick continued “but she would never let me try one on, she always said that a uniform had to be earned before it could be put on” another pause. 

Gloria thought how they must have been really close. 

“What size was Chloé?” Patrick said

“Tiny…about same as I was at 13 or 14” Gloria giggled as her mind wandered back to those times “when I was younger and smaller I used to play dress-up in here, Chloé had left years before of course” another giggle “mummy would get so cross…but I loved playing maids and would spend rainy days dusting or making tea as I imagined Chloé would have once done” 

Gloria stepped behind Patrick, slid her arms around his waist, kissed his neck “do you think you would like to play at being my Chloé for a little while?”

“What now Gloria?”

“Diane can make tea then serve it” 

“That wasn’t the plan Gloria, as keen as I am to get out of these horrid male clothes we agreed Patrick is not due to ‘leave’ for 2 more days. If someone saw Diane all of our planning would have been in vain” Patrick said.

“Not sure who would look but they will only see Patrick serving tea to me unless you want to put a dress on today. More importantly you are totally useless at this game, you must not address your mistress like that”

“My mistress?” Patrick said

“Miss Gloria to you” Gloria pulled her best stern face “no more of your nonsense maid, whatever you call yourself. Serve tea in the lounge”

“What is that in the drawer?…Miss Gloria” Patrick had asked before they left the maids room.

Even though she had a good idea of what it was Gloria decided have a little fun finding out what puzzled Patrick, she pointed to the chemise, then several cotton long bras. Gloria was playing, she knew exactly what the mystery item was, her mother had been really angry when once she discovered Gloria examining it. Finally she pointed at it and said “this?”

“yes Miss Gloria”

“I’ll explain when you have brought my tea”

Patrick served tea then stood before Gloria with hands behind his back as he imagined a maid would have once done in the apartment. 

Gloria began to explain “Maids and butlers have bad thoughts, it was once a tradition in France to control such staff in-order to prevent unwanted pregnancies. The item you are so interested in is a maids chastity device” 

“Patrick…what is that pushing out your trousers?” Gloria burst out into a full laugh “Oh my, is this turning you on? All the time we have been together and I finally push Patrick’s button and discover one of his little fantasies” 

Staying in character Patrick said  “Please may I leave to regain my composure Miss Gloria”

“Before you finish today will you tidy the kitchen and prepare a salad for Patrick and I” Gloria said.

“My pleasure Miss Gloria” 

Exactly as planned on the third day Patrick had ‘left’ the apartment and Diane had ‘arrived’ to take his place.

Gloria and Diane wore similar but just different enough summer dresses and flat strappy sandals. With her hair released from an artists ponytail and now died mid-blond and with a light touch of daytime makeup Diane had transformed into a near perfect young woman.

———//———

Gloria and Diane headed out to a café for morning coffee in the village square, Gerald asked if Mr Adams was in as he had post. 

Gloria said “he has been called back to England. This is Patrick Adams sister Miss Diane Adams who has come to keep me company for summer” then she took the envelope and slipped it in her purse. 

Gloria and Diane sat side by side at a small round table enjoying the warming of the early morning sun and watching the world go by. Gloria had purposely avoided mentioning the first day’s role play and Patrick had not mentioned it before he ‘left’.

As casually as she could manage Gloria said “I checked the telephone directory on my way to the market yesterday after I had seen the company name on labels in Chloé’s uniform. it is still listed in the directory” 

Diane tried to sound vaguely interested, somehow it didn’t come out that way “Oh…what are you thinking?”

“I wrote the number down, the company is only fourteen kilometres away near Saint-Pierre-d’Eyraud”

Diane was fidgeting with the coffee spoon. 

Gloria said “I was thinking perhaps I could telephone them, well my French is better than yours at the moment. I could ask if they still supply uniforms like Chloé’s one that you seemed to like” 

Diane could sense excitement in Gloria when she returned from the telephone box, she sat back down at the table and began relaying the conversation she had had…still making complete outfits…you won’t believe this…I repeated to Adeline what your Grandma said about earning the right to wear a uniform, she said that it was as if I had taken the words right out of her mouth. Now Gloria was speaking fast, they run a 2 day course for new maids each week but they are full for the next few weeks.

“that is a shame” Diane said

“Yes, it is…I think we both might have had fun playing that little game, I know I used to when I could still  fit into Chloé’s things and you seemed, how can I put this…attentive and interested. Would you have gone?” Gloria said

“possibly” Diane said, smiled “probably…probably yes I mean”

“And you seemed really interested in the chastity thing as well” Gloria said

“How much would a uniform and all that have cost?” Diane said

“Well…we are spending so little here and my allowance is mounting up and so it would have been my treat” Gloria said letting her excitement bubble out, a quick scan of the street, an even quicker kiss on the cheek “no, forget it. It is too much effort to go to for a silly little game which we could take turns playing without the uniform…if you like”

Diane returned the kiss “I imagine being all laced up in a corset like Chloé wore might feel sort of nice”

On their way back to the apartment Gloria telephoned again, a conversation in French too fast for Diane to fully understand followed, then a pause, now Gloria was speaking slower Diane began to understand - yes thank you for giving up your day off…Diane’s French can be a little patchy…that’s right Diane is to be my personal maid…yes…I’ll make sure…Gloria hung up.

“This is going to be so much fun Patrick, a one to one with their top trainer this Friday and Friday next week.

“When you said ‘I’ll make sure?’ What was that about”

“Oh just that you are to wear suitable clothing - knee length dress, no slacks” Gloria said, they headed home after making a taxi booking for Friday.

“One thing worries me, they will soon realise I am not female” Diane said.

“They already know silly” Gloria said “I needed to make sure they understood about the chastity thing you like”

———//———

Diane had set off early to sketch in the countryside arranging to meet Gloria for lunch at what had quickly become ‘our café’. Diane saw Gloria sitting at their favourite table with a man. He was tanned, smoking and wearing glasses. 

Gloria watched as Diane got nearer then she stood and threw her arms around Diane and began a long kiss. 

“Sorry Diane I’ve smudged your lippy, here let me” Gloria said and took a serviette from the table and tidied up Diane’s lips. Then took Diane by the hand. 

“Let me introduce you Bertrand, this is my friend Diane. Bertrand was just inviting us out for an evening in Bergerac”

“Nice to meet you both, I must go now” Bertrand said as he stood.

“But we haven’t arranged when we are going yet Bertrand” Gloria said as she gave Diane’s hand an obvious but gentle squeeze.

“I really must go, let me pay for the coffees” A flustered Bertrand said as he put a twenty franc note on the table and scurried off.

“Your timing was perfect Diane, that Bertrand is a real slime ball” Gloria said as she sat back at the table while still holding Diane’s hand. “He’s been watching us since we first arrived, surely you must have seen him?’

“Not really, but what will people say after your exhibition Gloria?” Diane said.

“They will say look at those lesbians” Gloria laughed “it is the perfect way to make sure the men of the Dordogne do not keep pursuing either of us this summer” 

———//———

The taxi waited while Gloria and Diane went into the reception area, doors lead into the inner sanctum, posters on the walls headed ‘butler - maid - footman - gardener - waiter’ listed the courses and qualifications offered below.  Diane was immediately instructed to address the instructor as Miss Adeline” 

First task of the day was measuring for uniform, Diane had to take her dress off and stand in bra and knickers. The form was nearly complete when something in French was said, Diane did not recognise “please repeat that in English Miss Adeline”

 “Miss Straker has ordered a traditional uniform for you the same as Chloé wore” then as she completed measuring said ”I do not know the English, it is dispositif de chasteté, you will see soon, the man is coming after lunch”.

Lunch was cooked by chefs in training, served by those on the waiters course and Diane was set to work washing and drying the lunch things. The rest of the afternoon was taken up with repetitive lessons on how to enter a room, leave a room, attract attention, to be invited to speak - the list of rules seemed endless. So much to learn for a little role-play nevertheless Diane was enjoying her day. 

The taxi to take Diane home waited outside while the man finished fitting the chastity. “all done” he said “you can wash with it in place, use talcum powder after drying” 

When Adeline returned Diane asked after the key for the chastity device. Adeline said “Miss Straker will be in charge of that, maids are not to be trusted and need to be kept under control. I understand you normally wear heels rather than the sandals you wear today, although you are yet to earn your uniform in future you are to arrive in correct footwear and stockings”. 

She handed Diane a sealed envelope addressed to Miss Straker then said “you may leave” 

“did you have fun?” Gloria asked when Diane arrived at the apartment. Diane handed over the envelope as she outlined her day then asked Gloria what she had been doing and they chatted for a while. Diane freshened her make-up and they headed out for dinner at a nearby bistro. The letter had been forgotten until they were walking along the road “there is good and bad news” Gloria began I’ve been informed that you are already wearing part of your uniform. 

Their eyes met, Patrick nodded and said “they take the training very seriously”

Gloria smiled and said “Shall I telephone and cancel the rest of the course if you don’t really want to go back. Perhaps I got too excited and now it does seem too much more than just our little game”

“yes and no…” Diane said ”It seemed as if I was really training for a life as a maid, well I suppose in Miss Adeline’s head it is for real. I did find it a little scary…but exciting at the same time. I’ve been wondering…when will we have chance to play once we are back in England?” 

“Perhaps some weekends or when we are on holiday, like now” Gloria gently squeezed Diane’s fingers, “now we’ve gotten daddy's approval to use Aunt Esme’s apartment we can visit little more often. Imagine acting as my maid all day…breakfast until bedtime perhaps even for more than one day”. 

“I would like that…OK…I’m decided now, I do want to complete the course” Diane smiled “I’m going to complete training to the best of my ability, as if I really am in training” 

“Oh I nearly forgot” Gloria explained that the second day of Diane’s training course had been postponed as a space had become available on a regular one. 

“they didn’t mention anything about that” Diane said.

Gloria smiled, a giggle escaped. “It is a staff training establishment, they told me rather than my maid”. Gloria took the letter out of her purse and read aloud - ‘please instruct Diane to attend 2 day course commencing Thursday…’

“they are even stricter with me you know” Patrick laughed “even told me not to ask about my key” they said “your Mistress will decide upon it’s use” 

Gloria looked puzzled, Patrick pointed down.

Gloria immediately understood…she had stopped before reading out the the full details in her letter to Patrick on purpose “that’s part of the letter you might not be so keen on, the training course is Thursday and Friday two weeks from now. They are holding your key until I collect it.

“but, that is 2 weeks away Gloria”

“We can suffer as one” Gloria sniggered “I’ll share your pain and frustration - no masturbating for me either…I promise”

“I don’t…”

“the apartment’s walls aren’t soundproof” Gloria gave Diane a peck on the lips “everyone does it” a snigger “just that having been to boarding school I’m a little bit quieter than both of you…” they both laughed at that. “… perhaps you could serve your part time mistress her breakfast in bed one morning and show me your new skills”

“Patrick” Diane said, Gloria looked puzzled. Diane continued “he makes those noises you know”

“oh” Gloria didn’t know what else to say

“I’m never there when he does it” Diane said laughing.

———//———

Diane’s last training day had arrived - graduation day - Gloria sat in what had become her and Diane’s café, hardly surprising really as it was the only café in the square to enjoy the mid-afternoon sun. As she waited with a bottle of chilled water her eyes slowly closed, head tilted slightly back to ensure an even tan when she heard heels on stone paving. 

A shadow crossed her face then she felt lips on her cheek…a kiss. Startled Gloria opened her eyes - her mother stood there, smiled and sat down. “all alone?” She asked. Gloria tried to plan a response. 

“Will Diane be joining us Gloria or shall I order coffee for two?” Eleanor Straker said

Gloria had switched from sleepy relaxed to red alert. Why was her mother there, what did she know about Diane, how did she even know about Diane. This could only go badly, very very badly.

Gloria decided to ignore ‘Diane’ in the hope of throwing her mother off track and said “Just us mummy, I think Patrick might go straight to the apartment when he finishes sketching”

Without responding Eleanor Straker began explaining that Madame Fontaine who lives in the adjoining apartment had telephoned her a couple of times adding, well you know how nosey she is, and when she said poor Patrick had been called back to London I decided to break my journey to Monaco and visit just for a couple of days,“well enough about me, now what did you want to say Gloria?”

Gloria said “I need to explain mummy then apologise…”

“Perhaps it may be better if I tell you what I know first, then you can fill in any parts I’ve missed” Eleanor Straker said.

Gloria nodded in agreement.

Eleanor Straker said “when you first asked about maid training Adeline telephoned Esme for her instructions. Esme telephoned me, I then telephoned Adeline. I understand Diane is due to complete training this afternoon, have I missed any pertinent points so far?”

“No mummy, does daddy know?” Gloria said.

“He would not understand why you have begun training your boyfriend to be a maid, don’t look so worried Gloria” Eleanor Straker said then sipped her coffee and smiled before continuing “but Esme and I do understand it is a simple role play game and we both remember being twenty as well. You and Diane will need to write to Esme thanking her for her generous gift of paying for Diane’s training”

“This is all my fault” Gloria said “please let me explain”

“Not another word about any of this until we finish dinner this evening. I would like you to return to the apartment at exactly six o’clock and I need your word that you will be totally in character by behaving exactly as Diane’s mistress would and not show any surprise when you get back to the apartment” Eleanor said.

“Are you going to be horrid to Diane?” Gloria said.

“Just a little joke, as Diane wants to play maid then it would be cruel of me to deny Diane the chance to live out his dream”

“Her dream…Diane is she” Gloria said

Eleanor smiled “with your support Gloria this is going to be even more fun than I imagined”

“I promise to be Miss Gloria in every way until you say otherwise, after dinner did you say?” Gloria could see a lighter side of her mother shining through that had been missing for years.

Eleanor smiled “with all the effort Diane has put in, and I understand from Adeline she graduated with flying colours at lunchtime. A couple of hours hardly seems long enough, my train onto Monaco is a flexible booking. Shall we let Diane think that I’ve come to stay for the rest of  August”

Gloria’s smile broke into a giggle “one thing puzzles me, how are we going to get Diane in her uniform without her realising she has been set up?”

———//———

“We will break for lunch at 1pm today, instead of a waiter our very own Diane will serve us lunch” Adeline stood at the front of the class, there were only four maids in training including Diane, “the other three of you can practice some of this mornings lessons while I help Diane prepare for lunch service”

“My corset is too tight Miss Adeline” Diane said as the laces were tied off.

“Nonsense girl…now hurry and fasten your stockings” Adeline said, then she softened a little “you will be able to tighten your laces a little more each week, when the laces are fully closed you may inform Miss Gloria so that she can order you a new one” 

Adeline slipped the thick cotton straps over Diane’s shoulders and began fastening the back of the longline bra. “Miss Adeline the bra is much too big, it makes seem to have enormous boobs”

“Too tight, too big - do stop complaining, it’s so unlike you Diane” Adeline stepped in front of Diane to adjust the bra straps “the bra has B cups the same as those flimsy bras you wear when off duty. Your mistress ordered your uniform to be identical to the one Chloé wore”

Diane’s dress was indeed identical to the one Chloé had worn, a heavy hardwearing fabric in a dark blue, fully fitted to the waist with a plain skirt finishing three inches below knee. Diane was soon demonstrating her best walk, bobbing and full curtseys to Adeline.

“The seamstresses have done a wonderful job don’t you think?” Adeline said

“It is beautiful, please thank the seamstress for me Miss Adeline” Diane said already getting used to the reflection of the maid in the large mirror and liking what she saw.

“Congratulations on completing your training, you may now leave” Adeline said as lunch finished. She handed an envelope to Diane “read this in the taxi, good luck and goodbye Diane”

“May I change into my clothes before I leave Miss Adeline?” Diane said

“You are wearing your clothes, your off duty clothes are being laundered and will be sent on to you with your second uniform”

Diane felt the shape of a key in the envelope before she even got as far as the taxi, it was a good sign and she couldn’t wait to get home and show Gloria her uniform and be released. 

Diane opened the envelope and began to read ‘Diane, use the rear staff entrance, this is your key for the door. Do not leave the kitchen until I ring the doorbell. Please begin preparing dinner while you wait, I have left recipe on table. Thank you.

———//———

A cookery book sat on the kitchen table open at a recipe for lasagne, Diane read the ingredient list. When she opened the cupboards and refrigerator all that she needed was already waiting on the shelves. Diane smiled at Gloria’s choice of menu, lasagne could be prepared straight away then after twenty minutes in the oven it would be ready to serve. Diane had the lasagne ready and was sitting with a coffee.

Diane had been mentally preparing for Gloria’s return since she sat in the taxi and was going to be the perfect maid until Gloria broke character, as far into the evening as it took to win. 

A thought struck Diane and he went into the maids room, he hadn’t looked around as he came in the maids entrance but now it stuck out like a sore thumb, his sketching satchel was hooked over the back of the chair. Diane looked in the bathroom, his razor and toothbrush were there. He looked under the pillow and his nightgown was there, his slippers tucked under the bed.

Diane smiled, this was going to be so easy. Diane knew how frustrated Gloria became if one of her little jokes did not work out. Now aware of Gloria’s joke she would not allow Gloria to order her to the maids quarters, Diane would stay in character until Gloria came to get her. 

The doorbell rang.

As Miss Adeline had taught her Diane stood at right-angles to the door and opened it wide while looking slightly down, he gave a bob “Good afternoon Miss Gloria.”

“You should look before speaking, I am Mrs Straker, Miss Straker’s mother” 

Diane could feel his knees weaken, he looked up “good afternoon Mrs Straker” behind her the concierge carried two suitcases.

“You must be a new maid…” Eleanor Straker said

“Diane Ma’am” a full curtsey

Eleanor Straker turned to the concierge “please put my cases in the second bedroom Gerald” then walked off into the sitting room.

Diane tapped on the sitting room door and waited. 

“Would you like some tea or coffee Ma’am” Diane said.

“Tea please, serve it in my bedroom. Leave the kitchen door open a couple of inches or you may not hear the bell” Eleanor said as she shook up a small silver bell that had been on the sofa table “it’s not very loud, your predecessor Esmé sometimes did not hear when summoned”

Diane was not very surprised and even glad in some ways that Eleanor seemed not to have recognised that Diane and Patrick were one and the same. Perhaps it was not not that surprising as unlike Patrick Diane now had curly blond hair. 

Her mind now in turmoil - should Diane reveal she was Patrick to Eleanor? Surely it had it already gone too far. How would it look if Gloria let the cat out of the bag? Or if Gloria didn’t? How would it end?

“Just the small case for today” Eleanor said as she sat drinking her tea sitting in the easy chair in ‘her’ bedroom while instructing Diane who was busy unpacking Eleanor’s smaller suitcase into the closet. 

The doorbell rang. Eleanor said “don’t spoil my surprise visit if that is Gloria”

As Eleanor was within earshot of the door Diane had little choice but to remain in character and stood at right angles to the door then opened it wide while looking slightly down, as Miss Adeline had taught she gave a bob “Good afternoon Miss Gloria.”

“Let me see your uniform Diane” Gloria said as the door shut behind her. Diane did a 360 “very smart and something smells nice, have you been cooking Diane?”

“A Lasagne for dinner Miss Gloria, may I bring you some tea or coffee?”

“Tea will be fine thank you” Gloria said as she wondered where her mother was and how Diane came to be wearing her full uniform.

Diane had noticed that Eleanor had pushed the bedroom door closed before Gloria walked along the hall, now it was wide open again and there was no chance of speaking to Gloria without Eleanor overhearing. 

Gloria and Diane stayed in character while she served tea. 

“Hello Gloria” Eleanor said

“Mummy what a lovely surprise” Gloria said “bring another cup Diane”

———//———

Over dinner all three remained in character and as would be expected Diane had set the dining table for two. Diane waited at the side of the room trying not to look as if she were listening to Eleanor telling Gloria how she stopped off on her way to visit friends Monaco.

‘Your father is too busy at work to come visit the Clarks” Eleanor said

“When are the Clarks expecting you?” Gloria said

“During August, but I might write to them and spend the month here…you must be so lonely all alone here now that Patrick is back in London”  Eleanor said.

“No need to spoil your plans Mummy, not that I want you to go.” Gloria said instantly realising that her mother was gently teasing Diane

“In that case I will write the Clarks and let them know. And the food is much better here” Eleanor said while smirking in Gloria's direction.

“Shall we take our coffee out on the balcony?” Gloria said knowing that all the neighbours would be on their balconies on such a warm evening. 

As Diane served the coffee Gloria said “Thank you Diane we will not need you again tonight”

———//———

Thankful to be released from the grip of her corset Diane slipped her nightgown on and made herself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table while waiting for Gloria. Free from the heavy maids uniform Diane noticed evening had become cooler and slipped in bed under the duvet to stay warm, the room was quiet, the bed warmed and Diane soon slipped into a deep sleep. So deep that she did not hear Gloria quietly shut the kitchen door as she left.

Next morning Diane washed and shaved before using the sturdy hook set into the wall to lace her corset before strapping on the bra, with no other clothes in the room she put on her uniform then quietly let herself out of the maids exit and walked to the bakers for croissants and breads for breakfast. 

Diane cleared last nights coffee things from the patio then set the dining table for a simple buffet breakfast when she got back and had a pot of coffee brewing when she heard movement. There was a menu and some francs on the kitchen table that Diane had not noticed when she left for the bakers earlier. With the door slightly ajar she heard voices in the living room and took the fresh coffee in, said good morning and waited as she had been taught.

“What are you waiting for Diane?” Gloria said in a brisk almost harsh tone. Eleanor discreetly glanced at her.

“Would you like eggs or some bacon perhaps Miss Gloria?” Diane said.

“We will summon you if we want anything, don’t stand there listening to our conversation. Leave us” Gloria said in a tone that Diane could not fail to identify as angry.

Diane searched through the cook book that had been left on the table the day before and made a list of ingredients she needed and waited for Gloria and Eleanor to leave the dining table. Diane heard the tinkle of the bell Eleanor had used. She stood in the open doorway to the living room and coughed softly. 

Gloria remained silent not even looking up from the book she was reading as Diane stepped into the room.

“Diane you can go to the food market now, I want this letter to catch the first post. These things can wait until you return” Eleanor said as she gestured at the breakfast things then handed Diane the envelope.

Eleanor looked out of the window in silence until she saw Diane walking along the street. “Why are you being so rude to poor Diane this morning?”

“It’s personal” Gloria said.

Eleanor waited in silence, she knew as mothers do that Gloria had more to say, the tears surprised her though.

“Diane was not waiting in our room last night. She slept in Chloé’s room. She has taken her toothbrush and moved in there…this is not what I wanted” Gloria said

“Then you are entitled to be angry…” Eleanor began.

“Angry does not come close to how I’m feeling Mummy” Gloria said blotting her wet eyes.

“This was supposed to be fun for us, not like this, not Diane sleeping in a different room, and I haven’t even got a key to…it’s not bloody funny” Gloria was in full flow angry and full on crying. “I want to go home…” She sobbed.

“Please listen for a minute Gloria, you are entitled to be angry with me but not Diane. I came to the apartment and put her things in Chloé’s room before we met at that café. I instructed Adeline to send Diane home in full uniform. I made Diane believe that I thought she really was your maid” Eleanor said “now I’ve made you unhappy by taking my stupid practical joke too far…and probably Diane as well” Eleanor was close to tears as well as she took a small key from her pocket and slid it across the table.

They sat in silence for what seemed an age before Eleanor said “I’ll pack, there is a train this afternoon, please forgive me Gloria”.

By the time Diane returned Gloria and Eleanor had washed the breakfast dishes and sat at the kitchen table waiting.

———//———

“How long were you intending to remain a maid?” Gloria said as Diane put the coffee pot on the table.

“Until whoever was controlling me revealed themselves how could I possibly say anything? Eleanor had made it clear she believed I really was a maid, and you were treating me as your maid. I had no option but to wait for it to end one way or another” Diane said then smiled “I must say making me post a letter to the Clarks was particularly cruel of you Eleanor”

“So you would have been Diane the maid if I really did stay for a whole month?” Eleanor said.

“Until Gloria rescued me.” Diane said 

“I know I promised not to interfere ever again Gloria but I have to offer my advice just more time” Eleanor said with a smile “Whatever you do don’t let Diane or Patrick get away”

“I wasn’t planning to mum” Gloria said 

———//———