Tetrapod and Orange

 “David, have you told June yet?” Emma said into the phone, we had been chatting for half hour when she casually slipped the question into our conversation as if it was no big thing.

“Do you think Mum might have let something slip that last time June and I came to the house” I replied, there was no need for me or my sister to elaborate, we both knew of what we spoke. 

“Mum won’t have mentioned it, WHY WOULD SHE? How could you even think that?” Emma paused “I mean she hasn’t even let anything slip to Dad in all these years”

I cut Emma short, “He was hardly ever home to find out”

“Well it’s you who have to tell June” Emma said “and you can’t keep something like this from her any longer, imagine how hurt she would feel if she found out by accident”

“I’ve thought about telling her, even tried a couple of times, it’s not easy. I mean how do I even start that conversation Emma?” I said, my mind wandered as I imagined different ways how June might react…all of them different levels of bad. 

Emma was speaking again, I focussed. 

“Mum mentioned how hard it must be for you going cold turkey” Emma paused like she always did when she was just about to hang up “you need to tell her Poppy”

“Don’t fucking call me that” I shouted down the line before she could hang up. I was not about to let her get away with Poppying me like that then hanging up, “cold turkey” I parroted “really Emma? It is not an addiction, I can stop anytime”

“Of course it isn’t an addiction. Mum and me know you can stop any time” Emma did the mocking giggle that she knows annoys me “I mean you have told us that sooo many times…” 

Her mockingness slipped away, her tone switched to caring sister “if it feels any easier you could tell June when I visit, I’ll be there like a buffer between you two. You know - ease any tense moments” without a goodbye Emma hung up, the way we always end telephone calls. 

—0—

I knew I was being cowardly but I liked the idea of someone, by someone I mean Emma, there on my team when I told June. I did not want to loose June, yet at the same time, and despite my claims to the contrary, I knew I could never let Poppy go.

Emma and I had finalised details by text, I would tell June as soon as Emma arrived at our house for the weekend, before Emma brought her weekend case in from her car - if June took my confession really badly Emma could quietly slip away, perhaps with me shotgun.

June answered the door to Emma, I could hear they were laughing about something June had said as they came through to our eat-in kitchen. I looked at the small holdall Emma carried, raised an eyebrow.

“Have some tea before you take your things to your room” June said

“Tea sounds fab. Oh those are not my things” Emma nodded toward the holdall, “I brought some things David forgot, you know, just his favourite weekend clothes”

“Weekend clothes?” June said with a rising inflection while looking toward Emma for more information.

Now or never, I took a deep breath, apart from the holdall this was exactly as we had planned. The holdall sat looking as innocent as a hamster on the floor. The holdall had been a master stroke by Emma to prevent me backing out at the last minute.

With us all sitting around the kitchen table June would soon ask to see the contents…any time I once had for procrastination had ended.

Now all I needed to say how I like to clean the house, oh, and how I like to wear women’s clothes while I clean. How hard could that be that voice in my head asked for the ten-thousandth time.

“I like to clean at weekends while wearing a dress” I said. June carried on making tea, her expression unchanged as she poured. The merest hint of a nod to indicate she had heard me speak. 

“Not just a dress” I blurted, all pleased June that had not screamed with disgust yet terrified what horrors her silence may hold, “sort of…well…looking female. I mean its not like I want to be a woman you understand June. Just while I clean”

Emma was shaking her head and doing that zipping up lips mime. I finally shut up.

June finished pouring her and Emma’s tea then put the teapot down, my cup remained empty. June smiled at me, placed a slip of paper on the table, a list, “go change while we drink our tea Poppy, as you can see, there is lots for you to do”

I picked up the holdall, as I turned to go change my smile stretched ear to ear.