Audrey...the junior school years

 ONE

Puppies and kittens in a rescue centre get picked first. 

And, like puppies and kittens, babies arriving at High-Fields arrived one day, and left with their adoptive parents soon after. For children arriving with a few years on the clock High-Fields would probably be home until they reached seventeen or eighteen. Occasionally a pre-schooler might get lucky but that was not how things usually worked out. 

For the long-timers High-Fields was like one massive family with parents that rotated on a seven day cycle. 

Newish arrival Jennifer had been readying herself for her thirteenth since arriving, already being a capable reader by High-Fields standards did not deter her from practising further. Reading to the under-fives was a sought after job mostly because readers did not do the dishes after dinner. Thirteen was the age from which teens could apply to be a reader. 

Jennifer was twelve when she landed after her mother had been hospitalised and, with no family willing to take her in, High-Fields was her only option. 

Her middle-class accent and clear voice was both advantage and disadvantage at the same time. Disadvantage to have a different accent to the other children, slight advantage same accent as Matron’s. 

On the day of her thirteenth birthday Jennifer read to Matron from ‘Barney Bear’ making sure to emphasise the mood of passages as she had practised so many times before. 

The nursery dorm had two main reading areas, one laid out like a school room with little chairs in rows for those nearing five, second area had beanbags and sleep mats strewn across the floor for the younger children. 

Chair reader read for ten or twenty minutes, beanbag reader read until the younger children fell asleep. 

New reader Jennifer sat with a book in her hand alone on an old sofa, the children seemed a little frightened to sit near the girl who was both a newcomer and sounded different. 

One small boy stood, waiting, the boy who Jennifer had noticed, held back a little around the others. Jennifer glanced up, his eyes continued examining her as if he was gauging her suitability then he sat near her feet. She looked back to the book, began reading, turning the book from time to time to show the illustrations to her audience of one. 

During Jennifers pause at a scary part the boy stood, looked around toward the beanbags, Jennifer thought he would walk away. Instead he climbed up on the sofa, looked around again and lifted her arm then snuggled in and whispered go on. 

She let her arm settle around him, resumed reading letting her finger trace words as she spoke.

Bridget poked the lump in the bed “Barry has been asking for you” 

“What?” Jennifer croaked from beneath the cover, she had been unwell for a couple of days.

“You know the little…needy…boy”

“Bridget, how could you?” As sick as she felt Jennifer sat bolt upright “you only had to say the boy I read to” she cleared her throat “calling him needy Bridget…anyone could have heard you say that”

“I preferred you when you were coughing and sneezing” Bridget said over her shoulder as she walked away.

TWO

Jennifer was back, sitting on our sofa when I came into my dorm room. I jumped up on the sofa and she lifted her arm for me. A new book. She said we should wait a while to see if anyone else wanted to hear her reading. They never did “Can I point?” I asked, Jennifer nodded like always. She had known for weeks I could follow the words but she did not know my secret. I wanted to show her but was frightened she might stop reading to me if I did.

“Ready?” Jennifer said. 

“Nearly” I said, She had the book open, I was pleased to see mostly words I recognised the shape of on the page. I slid my finger along the first line “once upon a time, in a castle on top of a hill…” I read aloud, copying Jennifers tone. 

Jennifer stayed silent. 

I continued reading, glanced at her face, She was smiling, nodding, silently mouthing my words. If I stumbled over a word She whispered it to me. 

“How old are you Barry” Jennifer said at the bottom of the second page as if she had forgotten I was four and a quarter. She was smiling, looked pleased that I could suddenly read. We kept my reading a secret for now. I did not ask why, did not need to. We took it in turns, as my reading ability grew we quickly moved onto young adult books that Jennifer said we would both like.

Matron warned Jennifer not to get too close to pre-schoolers, too attached, they still might get chosen or Jennifer might be able to go home. What Matron failed to understand was that our friendship was still founded on knowledge at that time. Jennifer giver. Me consumer. She added numbers to reading, always onwards.

“You two are always whispering” Bridget said as she walked past. Books and paper strewn across the picnic table where we sat in the yard. Bridget already knew I could read and count.

“What are you plotting now?” Bridget leant over my shoulder “You’ve taught him to write now? He is four Jennifer. FOUR. Barry should be watching cartoons with the other pre-schoolers”

Bridget and Jennifer were close, I knew they had secrets, some Jennifer told me about, some secret secrets she did not. One thing all three of us knew was my need to learn. 

Unknown to me I was learning one more thing, perhaps the most valuable of all skills. Spending so much time around teenage girls, I was learning the art of manipulation.

It was me who let our secret slip in Matrons office, we were having our pre-school checkup. It was all very informal, designed to put young children at ease, a physical then the doctor would sit next to me for a little chat.  

As the doctor talked I read my file that lay open on his lap a second time even though I would never forget that new word after first read, it was what I was, I interrupted. “What is a foundling doctor”

“A what?”

“Foundling” I pointed then, as if I doubted the doctors ability to read, I said “there…it says Barry Green is a foundling”

The doctor explained at some length I had been a newborn, left at a court washroom and then High-Fields became my home. Matron was shaking her head, perhaps an attempt to silence him, the doctor either did not notice or, perhaps, did not agree I was too young to know. My file mentioned a note which I would be given in due course. I knew that meant another time.

Once Jennifer reached fifteen she was, like most fifteen-pluses, allowed to chaperone younger children into town or Town Library. She enjoyed the quiet of the reference section where she would spend most Saturdays on homework. 

I quickly came to share her love of peace and quiet, I would tag along and sit quietly reading. Library staff once commented to Jennifer how unusual it was for a girl to bring such a young child to the library.

“Barry loves reading” Jennifer said. 

Jennifer would let me borrow adult books on her library ticket, I think the library staff knew, or suspected, what we did as we had different interests. Jennifer more romance novels whereas I had found math and, especially, physics.

My tenth birthday neared, mid-term I moved into senior class at junior school, a nine year old among ten to eleven year olds. It was unusual for High-Fields children to excel at anything, naughtiness excepted, and here I was - a small, well spoken boy class-mates sometimes called brains - a perfect target for bullying and every boy in my class was big enough to bully. 

High-Fields acted as my saviour once more by supplying two eleven year old High-Fields classmates. 

I had expected the other boys to be hostile, I had become used to being called ‘reject’ ‘unwanted’ or ‘from the home’ or a dozen more things children called us from High-Fields out of teachers earshot. My worries could not have been more wrong, I had bodyguards. Not that I had need of them, I was too small to bother with. 

Hostility came from a girl, Susan Rogers who had been top of class prior to my arrival. When I say hostile what I mean is hostile in the more discrete way girls prefer; totally ignoring me, whispering to her friends so the only word I could hear would be my name. Susan used words that had a way of hurting that lasted long after the pain of a bruise would have faded. 

Susan was the kingpin of her group, barbie pretty, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect uniform, her shoes the right designer, her backpack…well you get the idea. 

After spending so much time with Jennifer as my role model it surprised no-one at home that I had her accent, her confidence in reading, her handwriting, all of which had provided a good grounding for school. 

Tom on the other hand was a typical High-Fields boy, in the same class as me only because he was eleven, but what he lacked in academic achievement he made up for in spades with his superb interpersonal skills. No game at school, or home,  of any sort took place without him on the team. He was the exact opposite of me, we did not have the same interests or friends. 

One wet lunch break we were on the same table, Tom was reading a book. Unusual to see him reading, unusual to see a book titled ‘Avengists’. The word grabbed my interest, not even a proper word. An invented word, I laughed. Tom was struggling, his frown varied in intensity. He looked up as I laughed. 

“I’m looking at the title” I blurted out “all words are made up” Tom frowned, called me a freak and went back to his book, Susan was sniggering from the next table. I knew what I meant, I could silently blush or say words do not grow in nature, people had to make all words up. I chose the second option then realised the first option was the better choice.

THREE

Matron had been right with her warning about not getting too close, Jennifer began having days out with her mum who was on day release from hospital. Soon came time for ‘the chat’ - the one leavers had with stayers. Her mum was home, Jennifer was on her ‘leavers week’ from High-Fields.

The week was for children being fostered or returning to their parents to say their goodbyes. For Jennifer and I her leaving day was the day we became penpals as well as friends. 

‘Leavers week’ gave us time to ask Eve at the library for help. I was too young to have an adult library card “please could you make an exception…please” Jennifer said, we had agreed she was more assertive than me. Eve called the senior librarian and Jennifer pleaded her case again “Barry can be trusted, he always looks after books”

“Adult cards are for adults Barry” Mrs Alder said then smiled “adult could be a measure of time, calendar years, or a measure of reading age” 

I put my new library card on top of my locker. Barry Green was printed under my photograph, membership number, ADULT.

High-Fields had a study room, Tom sat next to me. This maths homework he began, maths was probably his best subject but he had skipped a couple of math classes which made as much sense to me as missing chocolate pudding day. 

My notes from the missing lessons was all he needed to get up to speed. As he stood I asked him about Avengists. 

Tom took the book from his backpack “here, word history expert, you might enjoy this, it’s just too hard to bother with. Easier for us to make the game up as best we can” 

I liked the way he ribbed me in a friendly way, as if, for that moment, an invisible rope tied us together.

I could not put the book down, it was a boys adventure book, a slim book, the one I held book six of a series and, according to the back cover, an incredible adventure awaited within its covers.

Aside from me Tom was the youngest in the group that sat around the camp. Camp must have, at one time, been an animal shelter or similar that pre-dated the woods. 

There are several areas designed to give active children somewhere to burn off energy around High-Fields; the yard, the playground, the shelter, the field, and (unofficially) the woods through a hole in the fence where older boys and girls go to smoke or play secret games.

Avengists fell into secret games category. Avengists are a group of boys who catch spies, bank robbers, escaped criminals, defeat invaders. A small group of boys sat around while I stood and read, central characters were helping catch a smuggling gang who evaded the police with ease. Only Avengists could catch them. As I paused to emphasise excitement or suspense someone would claim that character. A character named Audrey would boss people about from time to time, be useless at other times and, towards the end, always need rescuing. To my delight only the smugglers and Audrey parts remained unclaimed as I closed the book. No-one wanted to be a smuggler. No-one wanted to be a girl.

Within an hour it would be dark, everyone began to plan the beginning of the game next morning. Will you be our reader Baz? A voice behind me asked. I had always been Barry, High-Fields did not approve of names being shortened. Baz was a sign I might become accepted as one of the Avengists. Part of a secret game and being called Baz felt good. 

“Sure” I said. 

A disagreement was in progress as to who would be Audrey. My heart was racing, my throat felt tight. I said  “I could be Audrey” 

“Audrey the reader” someone said. Everyone was pleased I had stepped up for the part. 

“Just a minute.” Tom spoke loudly “Audrey is a girl. That okay with you Baz?”

“Sure Tom, it is only a game” I lied in the steadiest voice I could manage. Inside I was thanking Jennifer and the other teenage girls for the ability to manipulate a group of boys so effortlessly. A tight feeling gripped my chest, I wanted to cry now I was thinking of her

Suddenly I was missing Jennifer something fierce.

Keeping in contact by letter after she went back to her home was better than nothing. Sometimes we met in town on a Saturday where we would spend hours whispering the news of our life apart that we couldn’t share in letters. 

Next time we met I had so much to tell her. Not that I was a girl in a boys body, like me, we had both known that forever. 

Jennifer was as nervous as me when I told her about Audrey “there’s no such thing as a right time, but this might be as near to a right time as there ever will be” 

“Plus I am already Audrey in the boys minds”

“We never expected it to be easy, us together, as a team, can do this” Jennifer said, gave me a little hug, a soft laugh “and I thought choosing a name would be the hard part”

“I know Audrey is my destiny exactly like a baby bird knows its destiny is to fly”  I wrote in my next letter to Jennifer, she wrote back thanking me for my ‘mills and boon’ style letter.

FOUR

Susan had moved her game up a step. She would be friendly some times, ask to borrow some little thing like a pencil or eraser then make a big fuss when I asked for it back. Still, it was better than silent treatment and opened the gates for those in her circle of friends to speak to me on occasion. One girl, in Susan’s circle, Emily said “my sister said she liked you when you were in her class” as we worked on a joint project. 

By halfway through the school year I was way in-front of the lessons, I had begun sneakily learning other things in class.

Susan scowled at me as I left the midterm exam room a third through time permitted. I sat in our home room talking to Mrs Vandebeer, our pregnant home room teacher, as we waited on the rest of the class. “The librarian in town mentioned you have been using their mock-exam photocopies for a couple of years” She said. 

“Yes Ma'am” I said “Mrs Alder is the head librarian, she works in her office mostly, Miss Eve works the counter. Sometimes, for fun, Miss Eve grades the papers for me”

Avengists events took place every dry Sunday, we settled into a routine. Danny borrowed a different Avengists book from a friend Fridays, my job was to read it and make a list of any props we needed. 

“We are doing it all wrong. Everyone needs to stop swapping characters” I said in my best Audrey tone then, once everyone quietened, said we need book one, that is where all characters are properly described. Then everyone gets a character, no more arguing and swapping around. The group of eleven to fifteen-year-olds did exactly as nine-year-old me told them.

Book one was brilliant, everything I had hoped for. Most of the book named a character then described them - just like words in a dictionary…but for names. 

Reading book one took a whole day as, during the story, characters were named then given their identities. I read slowly, patiently waited as the group pleaded, argued and, occasionally, wrestled for their choice. Finally Audrey was mentioned, previous books had supposedly mentioned her olive skin and black hair that she kept swept back into a tight ponytail, now I pretended to read her full description and added; “Hazel shape brown eyes, so dark they are like bottomless wells…Her olive skin adds an air of mystery and some even say she speaks Japanese…”

Everyone listening began to laugh, I slammed the book shut “if that is so funny you can find another Audrey” I said above the noise in mock anger. I had not been reading but speaking my own dialogue from memory. 

An arm slipped around my shoulder, Brian shouted quiet everyone then said it was good-funny how, just like his character, I was the perfect Audrey character in every way, “naturally perfect, that is all that made it funny” 

We began to incorporate clothing props, a hat, a coat, a gun, a blue jumper…  Then I was ready to make my next move - Audrey arrived wearing girl jeans that were embroidered. Audrey hated the jeans but her mum made her wear them. “we can just imagine that part” I said when the jeans were mentioned yet again as I fake-read the book  

“hats and stuff Adam can get, not girls jeans” someone called out

“You underestimate me” Adam smiled, “I am the Avengists procurement specialist for good reason”. 

High-Fields clothing store rooms were linked to laundry, school uniforms were kept there along with the stocks of non-uniform which was mostly hand-me-down or donated. Adam helped out in the boys store, had friends who helped out in the girls store.

Avengists games became even better now that character and actor became one to the extent that some boys even imitated the mannerisms of their character, and some I incorporated their foibles into their characters. The books had become the basis for a type of fiction that, like Audreys description, partly existed in the book, partly in my head. 

If anyone else read the books they hardly ever mentioned it. And never mentioned the real Audrey in the book had blonde hair and only wore her brothers football shorts.

Weeks had passed, in the books Audrey’s Mum now had her wearing some very feminine clothes; girly tees with her embroidered skinny jeans, pink crop tops with her short shorts, everything worn with battered sparkly sneakers that were my most prized possession. 

When a game ended I became too tired or lazy to change, had mislaid my boy clothes, my excuses went unchallenged, no one commented. 

Despite the seeming ease with which I manipulated the teenagers and even Matron when I swapped out another item of Barry clothing for an Audrey item. I always expected to be called into the office when out of school uniform. 

Now I had begun daydreaming a story where Audrey wore a summer dress and had even begun writing a scene in my notebook which incorporated a dress.

I told Jennifer of my dress-plan she advised not pushing things too fast. Jennifer had become so grown-up since she left High-Fields and had become almost like a young mum/old sister to me since she started working. 

I agreed, could not imagine a better person to guide me.

“How about setting your sights on a pair of those black school sneakers you have been talking about in every letter?” Jennifer smiled “I got paid today, let me treat you”

She was right - of course she was, knew best - of course she did. 

The sneakers were the very exact thing every girl either wore or wanted to wear at school. I hugged Jennifer as the sales assistant handed me the box. One day with white ankle socks and school uniform my feet would look right, for the time being with black socks and trousers they were stealth mode fem Jennifer said.

Back at High-Fields we went to ‘property’ where my new trainers were stamped with my number inside and became officially mine. I put them at the bottom of my locker ready for school and picked up the latest Avengists book.

Health checks were due again and for once they fell on a rainy weekend.

Medical over I sat in the chair for the chat that always followed when the doctor said that another doctor, Dr Wilkinson, would have a chat this time. 

When we talked about Matron and the other staff not mentioning my Audrey look Jennifer had said “be ready for when they do”

We were sitting on a bench outside the library, I was in full Audrey jeans, top, white sneakers. Jennifer had a way of talking that made sense “Matron would have known the second you had Audrey jeans, they would have been watching you, waiting see if you were using clothes to shock or disrupt”

I had read enough in the reference library to guess what my chat would centre around with Dr Wilkinson. 

FIVE

Dr Wilkinson sat on a sofa in the staff lounge.

“Barry, or do you have a nickname you prefer?” He used a rising infliction to underline the question.

“I prefer to be called Audrey…is that okay?” I watched, he wrote something on his pad.

He had told me his given name, I instantly imagined adding numbers, making all the totals wrong until I had to stop. I felt dizzy but it worked I had completely forgotten his given name. “I prefer to call you Dr Wilkinson”

Casually dressed in chinos and polo shirt Dr Wilkinson looked young to be a doctor, our ‘talk’ was more like I imagined a game of football in which no-one understood the rules or in which team they played for. He was using seemingly innocent small talk then occasionally slipping in a searching question. 

I played along for a few minutes then interrupted him talking about school. “Are you a psychiatrist?” He looked surprised “I assume you are, and if you are then there are more urgent things to discuss than my school record we should be talking about” 

“Okay Audrey, the floor is yours” Dr Wilkinson said

I began explaining that I had used subterfuge to discreetly begin wearing clothes that match the way I identify. “Can I ask one question and get a yes or no answer Dr Wilkinson?”

“I’ll do my best”

“Is it your or social services intention that you attempt to persuade me to present male?”

He answered me with a random question “You are…eight or is it nine years old?”

He was still encouraging me to talk about myself, I guessed I had the remainder of an hour and gave him what he wanted. 

Outside school I had lived as a girl for a little over three months and felt comfortable with the clothes I already had, but the ten-year-old in me longed to wear a summer dress like other ten-year-old girls. Those around me had either not noticed any change or, perhaps, were silently watching. I listed the psychiatry texts I had read in the library to better understand my feelings and fears. At the word fear his pen went into overdrive. “Sorry to fixate on this point Dr Wilkinson but I really would like an answer, is it your intention to persuade me to present male?”

“It is not my intention to make you act against your wishes, I want to help”

“Thank you doctor” I estimated that more than an hour had passed but just a light patch remained on the wall where the clock usually lived. Dr Wilkinson showed no sign of  wishing to leave. 

“How important are clothes?” He asked then slipped into idle chit-chat, said we will meet in a couple of weeks then hit me with the killer blow as my hand touch the door handle “you mentioned fears, what fears do you have Audrey”

“Just one more thing” I said using an American accent and air quotes as I turned back and giggled “Have you seen that old television program Colombo? You know with Peter Faulk” I smiled, his face tightened “I have only one fear doctor, thoughts of it fill my every idle moment” I sat back down “at the moment I easily present female in public, shops, cafes etc. my fear is that puberty will suddenly hit and I will look and sound like a boy in a dress…until I look like a man in a dress”

For once I was glad Wednesday was a day of rain, it gave me time to write to Jennifer about Dr Wilkinson, asking if he would call me Audrey and to thank her once more for the sneakers. Then signed Audrey

SIX

Susan sidled up to my locker as I got ready for class “Saw you in the shoe shop with a young woman”

“You mean Jennifer” 

“Who is Jennifer?”

I  told her how Jennifer taught me to read, how we became friends despite the age difference. 

“Physical age difference I suppose you mean” Susan said, smiled “I like your new sneakers” we both smiled “why did Jennifer call you Audrey?”

I told Susan about the Avengists books, she showed interest, I mentioned our role play days. Audrey was my character in a game. As we walked into our classroom Susan said “best keep you know what at the home” she leant in and whispered “I’ll keep your secret Audrey” 

“Thanks Susan” I could not understand why I wanted her as a friend so much. But I did.

Her friends were buzzing around her wanting to know why she was talking to ‘brains’ and what about. Nothing, nothing she told them as she smiled across at me.

She has some scheme in mind Jennifer would have whispered to me the second Susan was out of earshot. Perhaps it was to make peace, I hoped it was.

I had bigger things on my mind than classroom politics, I had been thinking about Dr Wilkinson almost non stop. I had acted badly over the whole ‘Colombo’ comment. 

He was a professional doing his job, I was a child in need of his help. His easygoing way and willingness to call me Audrey just served to make me feel a whole lot worse. 

You need to arrive at senior school the way you want to be known my new library book advised. The Geeks Guide to Surviving School was a mine of useful information. And senior school is going to be the most judgemental it warned. Goth, geek, emo, hippy, jock - whatever floated your boat you had to turn up as that on day one. Then, and only then, would people see that as the real you. 

The books advice was clear -  I had to be Audrey at school from day one.

New sneakers went un-mentioned at school. But Susan was back to her old self and Tom was back to struggling with math homework. He was in a playful mood at lunch saying wish I had some wealthy old lady to buy me…

I playfully punched his arm “Jennifer punches much harder”

When I got my next letter from Jennifer the envelope was addressed to ‘Audrey Green’

Not knowing is not a strong point of mine, I searched out Matron who was in her office with a younger woman. “When I spoke with Dr Wilkinson…” I began. 

Matron held up a hand as if halting a fleeing donkey “what you talk to Dr Wilkinson about is…”

Feeling in a cheeky mood I emulated Matron with my hand and saw the strangers eyes narrow in amusement, her face too young for eyes to crinkle at the corners “I need clarification on a non-medical point Matron, I asked him to call me Audrey. What would happen if I were to ask the same of you?” She suggested I just try it and see. 

So I did “may I ask you to call me Audrey please?”

“I will be pleased to” Matron pulled her smile-not-smile face “your timing could not have been better Audrey, this is Miss Forster, your new social worker”

Matron excused herself leaving us to get to know each other. Like Dr Wilkinson, I found Miss Forster easy to talk to. The shame of how I had behaved toward him still fresh in my mind I made real effort to be easy to talk to. Before leaving she told me she would be back to meet me one day after school “probably mid week, we can go out for tea if you like” she suggested as she stood to leave. I remained sitting, she sat back down “was there something else you wanted to say Audrey?”

“What we call lockers here are, in fact, cupboards without locks but I will still know if someone has read my notebooks” I smiled “I wanted you to know I am happy for you to read them and my letters as well. In fact I think it better if you do before we meet next”

“Wow, Matron warned me you are direct” Miss Forster smiled “thank you, I will try to take advantage of your offer”

SEVEN

My suggestion to Miss Forster may have been too late as I noticed my current notebook had been moved when I got back to my dormitory. No big deal, I had been writing entries for a while which included notes from books I had checked out from the town library including; Living With Gender Dysphoria, The Transgender Child, and the wonderful, My Son, My Daughter. 

My guess was that Miss Forster either had or would soon look at my Town Library loan records. I had not expected events to move at the current speed but as they were I sneaked into Matron’s office to telephone the town library. 

Mrs Alder, the head librarian, answered in person. Surprisingly, she recognised my voice. 

I felt pleased as it saved time and Matron could return any second. I got straight down to business; “my new social worker, Miss Forster, may be in touch asking for my library card history. Can I give authority for her to access my lending history on the telephone or should I confirm in writing?”

“Verbal is fine thank you for letting me know Barry”

Wednesday is one of my five favourite school days. Last lesson is sports, I run track, the one sport there is no chance of me finishing anything but last. Best of all is we can wear non-uniform home after shower, I make sure to be as slow in leaving the changing rooms as I am leaving the starting blocks.

I am wearing my favourite jeans with flower embroidery to outside seams and back pocket, white tee and my sneakers without socks to show off my string ‘ankle bracelet’ that I coloured pink with a marker pen. 

I am not hiding but I keep my distance from those waiting for a lift as I walk home. 

Miss Forster was true to her word, waiting outside school with her car, beeping the horn and waving. 

Talking through the open passenger window she looked amused when I suggested we get the formalities over before I got in, but played along. 

I checked her identity badge and using her car telephone, yes, she really did have a telephone right there on her car, she telephoned Matron for me to confirm she was authorised to take me in her car. As I leant toward the car, through the open passenger window I heard Matron’s voice as clear as if she were in the car, Miss Forster sat quietly listening.

“You already met Miss Forster Barry” Matron sounded patronising.

“Ten-year-olds need to act safely Matron, you should know that” I let her Barry slide.

“You show everyone your adult library card and now it suddenly suits you to be a child?” 

“In physical years, yes Matron” I noticed Susan and her friends within earshot as I opened the door. Is eyeshot a thing? If it is then Susan and co were within that as well. 

Miss Forster was still laughing as we drove away.

“Have you been in a car before Audrey?” Miss Forster used a rising inflection as she said Audrey

“Does a taxi count as a car?” I asked with rising inflection.

“Yes” She nodded

“Then no” I said feeling all pleased with myself that I had so-easily changed her confident smile into a frown of puzzlement “thanks for remembering, I prefer Audrey, especially when I am dressed like this” I smiled as I noticed she openly glanced down at my jeans. I told her about my routine for walking home after track.

“How do you think would Audrey cope at school?” Miss Forster said with smile reinstated.

“That is a good question” I said, she almost held in a little laugh.

I was surprised at her use of third person but decided it offered a chance for me to make sure she fully understood where I was headed “Audrey is not my alter ego that comes and goes…I am undergoing a metamorphosis.  Audrey, just like a caterpillar, has no choice but to become what nature intends.”

I had had time to think since we first met, time to talk things over as Jennifer likes to call it sometimes when we talk. She shook her head when I asked if she had read Geeks Guide to Surviving School, I told her about what the book said about arriving first day in senior school as your senior school self.

“Sounds sensible, have you thought much about that?”

To my black or white, wrong or right mind Miss Forster was becoming, at times, as frustrating as Dr Wilkinson. I decided returning her undecidedness felt like the best option “well…until I met Dr Wilkinson I was not sure if Audrey being discovered by social services would result in support or conversion therapy”

“What do you know about conversion therapy?”

Miss Forster looked genuinely shocked as she glanced at me, I told her of my interest in old textbooks, asked if she thought it better to take the second step at junior school adding everyone at already High-Fields probably knew about Audrey. 

“Do you feel ready for that?” She asked “do classmates already know?”

“No one at school, what happens in High-Fields stays in High-Fields” I said as I decided Susan knowing was not important “you’ll hear that plenty as you meet more of us”

“Pizza or burger?”

Could not believe my luck. It was not a frozen Pizza like we had at High-Fields. We had one each, picked our toppings and they arrived mouth-burning hot. “Leavers tell us about these” I said between mouthfuls, I was talking on autopilot “we make pizza sometimes in domestic science”

“You take domestic science?” 

I wrongly thought Miss Forster had tuned my endless chatter out “boys take woodwork or metalwork class. My hands too small to use tools”

Miss Forster asked is that the only reason? I must have blushed because my ears suddenly felt hot. 

“Of course not” I laughed “you really believed that?”

On the ride back I asked if a young psychiatrist and a young social worker was just a coincidence, before she could answer I added; or is it because you have a more current training in dealing with transgender children? 

Miss Forster was sure she and Dr Wilkinson would make sure I get all the support I needed.

As I thanked Miss Forster for the meal she put her card in my hand incase I needed someone to talk to, Matron will give you privacy when we talk, “I might be around when you see Dr Wilkinson next if you want to talk after”

Over the course of a week I had talked to Miss Forster longer that I had spoken to my previous social worker in five years. 

EIGHT

Tom picked up that something was happening at school first “Susan and her friends are up to something. Whatever it is they have planned it involves you in some way” he warned. 

That fitted in with recent events, Susan and friends had become friendly once more. Little things at first, asking for homework help, offering book loan, that sort of thing. Then I was included in secret note passing. Next came the invite to sit at their table lunchtimes. 

Straight away I started taking an interest in subjects the girls talked about, I had opinions about ‘the latest look’ in the teen magazines they read. Quietly said ‘me too’ when someone likes a dress or hairstyle in a picture, then acted embarrassed when they laughed.

As we stood in the lunch queue Fiona, Susans best friend, let her hip touch mine, she tugged my trouser leg and giggled for attention, her foot parallel to mine “look who has same sneakers as us”

“All the girls are wearing them” another said followed by admiring comments. It was as if  it was fine  for boys to wear girls sneakers and thanks to Fiona everyone not only knew about my sneakers but had seen them. 

'I am in the early stages of some sort of manipulation by eleven-year-old girls’ I wrote in my next letter to Jennifer ‘No strike that. Audrey is in the early stages of manipulation by eleven-year-old girls’. 

‘Perhaps their intention was to just embarrass you a bit’ Jennifer wrote back. ‘you are right - if one of them knows about Audrey then they all do, eleven-year-olds are so childishly obvious’

‘High-Fields girls taught me so well’ I said next letter ‘they don’t stand a chance’

Susan stood beside my locker making idle chat as I entered the combination. She was sorry if they had embarrassed me over my sneakers, she told her mum what the girls had done, I was invited to tea ‘if you are allowed out’.

“High-Fields is a childrens home Susan, not a prison” I had to laugh. Not at what I said but the way she had so obviously gotten my locker code and now I was invited for tea. I could not wait. “Tomorrow? I’ll need your home number so the warder can check where I am going” I said with a laugh

No huff but a sweet smile as she wrote her number on my hand “mum picks us up in one of our cars. Which do you prefer Merc or BMW?”

“Either, I’m not a fussy eater” I said feigning ignorance.

The car was big, and black. Wipe down leather Susan’s mum said as she handed out candy-bars. I said “Thank you Mrs Rogers” as I took one. We sat in the back Fiona to one side, Susan the other. 

“Do you need to see mum’s I.D. Audrey?” Susan said with a smirk, they both giggled.

We had math homework, Mrs Rogers was strict with Susan, perhaps all mums are. Susan had to complete her homework before we could go play. Ignoring me, the girls sat at the kitchen table and took out their books. 

Mrs Rogers asked if I had homework, then seemed surprised when I mentioned I was in the same class as Susan and had completed my homework at lunch. I asked if I could read a book.

“Is it educational Barry?” She looked at the cover “Quantum Physics?” The rising inflection made it clear it was a question.

“Library book ‘My first book of Quantum Physics’ basic stuff Mrs Rogers”

“Do you do that Fiona?”

“He is a geek mum”

I saw Mrs Rogers breathe in sharply so I cut in “Susan is right, I do not like television, books are my thing” I asked how many people lived in her home.

“Fiona, my husband and I” She said, the doorbell rang. 

Her kitchen was nearly the size of the kitchen at High-Fields and yet she had food delivered. Pizzas just like the ones I ate with Miss Forster. There was way too much food.

I had only seen houses like Susans’s on the covers of magazines, now I understood that people really did live in such places. What I did not understand was why she, Susan I mean, thought that living in such a house made her so superior.

We ‘played’ in Susan’s room after tea which is when the reason for my visit was revealed. Mrs Vandebeer was due maternity leave, her replacement was due soon, Susan and Fiona’s plan was to prank the new teacher first morning.

Drip, drip, drip they fed me details. Everyone in class was in on it except you lot they said.

You lot meant High-Fields children, according to Susan we were like a secret society. Fiona giggled as she called us The High-Fields Mafia. 

In a way she was right, in junior or senior school there was always someone from High-Fields who had your back.

“So Audrey this is the prank” Susan began, the excitement clear on both their faces. As I had all the experience needed with my ’Audrey thing’ I would be the ideal prankster. “It will make you more like one of us” Fiona said.

“She means popular…” Susan said, laughed “not a girl like us”

“Not sure” I paused, they encouraged me “okay, I will do it, it will be a laugh” I finally agreed

“I told you Barry would be the perfect choice Fiona. You will be a hero Barry, a school legend” Susan said

“But there might be trouble, perhaps suspension even”  Fiona warned.

So obvious was their ‘good girl, bad girl’ act I wanted to laugh “sure they will…like suspend the top pupil in the entire school…for what?” The room went silent for a second as Susan fleetingly let her smile drop “if I am wearing a uniform I have done nothing wrong” 

In that second Susan realised I knew what made her dislike me, even with her private tutors, she could only ever attempt to equal me and I had just rubbed her nose in it. Right in front of her best friend. 

“Audrey is right Fiona, it has to be a proper uniform” Susan smiled.

Jennifer would be so proud of me, manipulating the pranksters. The trickers being tricked.

Tense moment over they pulled me into a group hug, coconut shampoo filled my nostrils. One day I wold use shampoo like that I promised myself. “All hair at High-Fields smells the same”

They pulled back and as if they had practised it said “aww poor Audrey”

Mrs Rogers called up time to go Fiona said “don’t tell that teachers-pet Tom, he has been nosing around us for days”

“Or any of the Mafia” Susan added

NINE

Next visit from Dr Wilkinson went better than the first, toward the end he said are you still worried about puberty. I confirmed that I was and wondered why he asked. Although we had only met twice he said he wondered if I had thought about what it would be like living female full time. 

“School uniform…” I began and for the first time he cut right in and said transitioning at school or work can be stressful “no, I mean I do not have girls school uniform, until I do I am stuck in this weird Audrey/Barry limbo” 

Dr Wilkinson found it interesting that I put Audrey first, offered a suggestion that I might mention the school uniform issue to my social worker. “Have you considered that you may be bullied or ridiculed?”

“Attempting to bully a High-Fields girl or boy does not happen and ridicule is no reason to give up” I wanted to convince Dr Wilkinson I was ready “they will only be classmates for a few more weeks”

Miss Forster arrived just as I got back from school next day and offered pizza again, I thanked her but declined saying I did not want everyone to think I was getting special treatment. 

She still had a lot to learn about childrens homes. 

Let’s walk in the garden she suggested. No-one chose to walk in the garden so that was fine by me. That was where I asked, and the asking felt scarier than what I was asking for. I stopped walking. “Dr Wilkinson suggested I speak to you” I could feel my heart trying to escape my chest “may I have girls school uniform please”

“Of course, shall we walk that way while we talk” Her hand waved toward the door near the clothing store area. That was it, so calm, as if I had asked for a glass of water. “When will you wear it for the first time?”

“I will decide on the spur of the moment, if that is OK to have both uniforms for a while” I said.

She nodded agreement adding that it would be best not to make a big thing of it.  I briefly wondered if she would be angry when I did.  

“Can I see Matron first please…alone if that is okay?” I had no real idea of the right way to go but I did know leaving Matron out would leave me feeling bad.

 

Miss Forster had paperwork to catch-up. 

Matron was a busy person so I got right down to it, outlined Dr Wilkinson’s suggestions and asked if she thought I was ready to be Audrey full time. Why ask me Matron wondered, direct talking was needed and I jumped right in, both feet. 

“It is fine for doctors and social workers to pop in and decide what is best for me, however, I need your opinion most of all. 

We really know each other, from the first bottle feed I remember right up until now. I know you will tell me what you really think and I would regret passing up the chance if I had not asked for your advice”

Any doubts hiding in the shadows of my mind were gone, I thanked Matron as I walked away with clothing and haircut vouchers and the list of Matrons new rules I had scribbled down for now. 

Not just any old haircut voucher. Girls salon voucher.

Miss Forster said she had been impressed by the amount of planning I had put into transitioning while reading my notebook. “I was going to offer advice about going forward, how unnecessary would that have been?”

“Am I the king of lists or what?” I smiled, guessed that my journal was ‘her paperwork’. 

She nodded her agreement. I had it all planned out on paper. “Better prepared and not needed” I said. 

I had not been to the girls clothing store before, unlike the boys side where everyone tried on clothes in plain sight girls had changing cubicles. One had a closed curtain.

Miss Forster paused as we entered “go on” she said quietly. 

I neared the counter  hopeful for someone I knew, no such luck, a senior who had recently arrived at High-Fields. I slid my clothing voucher on the counter, used my speaking in class voice “A school uniform please”

“This is the girls side” She said in a voice of equal volume, a little smile. We both glanced at Miss Forster who was engrossed in her diary.

“I know that Miss” I swallowed “girls school uniform probably age ten please” Some rustling came from the cubical.

“That you Audrey?” A familiar voice called from inside the cubical.

“Audrey…I’ve heard of you” the young woman behind the counter said “the little smart kid” I was thankful she called me kid not boy “shoes?”

The curtain swished and Sue emerged in a new to her miniskirt and sloppy top, not Susan from class but Sue a high schooler who I knew via Bridget “everyone has been wondering when this day would come” she whispered

I smiled. Blushed.

“Not those scruffy things Nell” Sue winked at me “two blouses, pants, socks and Mary-Janes. All new if you please” I look over toward Miss Forster, she had either developed the power of invisibility or had left me with Nell and Sue who I guess would be nearing their last year or two at High-Fields.

Nell plonked the bundle of clothes in my arms, Sue said “try on time”

I happened across Miss Forster in the hallway talking to Nurse. 

“Is there anyone in High-Fields you do not know?” Miss Forster put an arm around my shoulder like Jennifer does and walked me back toward my dormitory “all brand new…I see someone has friends in high places” She did that same only joking squeeze Jennifer does. She squatted down until we were eye to eye “I understand you brought Matron is up to speed, that was a good thing to do, can I pre-warn your school principal Audrey?”

I smiled, could not hold it in “yes please”. There is a saying that if the wind changes your face will stay like that. The wind must have changed.

TEN

High-Fields gave out our allowances out on a Saturday morning, under elevens needed a teen to go into town. The only exception was if an approved adult was picking someone up, on my list Jennifer had been joined by Mrs Rogers (since I went to Susans for tea) doubling my approved adults number.

Jennifer was out with friends leaving just Town Library and shops on my approved destination list, Matron would randomly telephone the library to ensure I was there. 

I filled in my name, destination ’Town Library’ leaving 09:30 due back 14:30 in the log-book and hung around the entrance hall for a teen going into town. Soon enough Nell, no longer a stranger, passed me “going into town Nell?” I called out.

I dashed over, added ‘Nell’ to the log-book then climbed into the back of her boyfriends car, no need to ask Matron as Nell was my chaperone, he had a wispy beard and a leather bracelet that matched the one Nell wore, they kissed right in front of me. “How old were you when you got the beard?” I asked they both laughed, 

“Seventeen, some get them younger” he answered “why, you thinking of growing one young man?”

Nell swung her head between the front seats and put a finger to her lips then turned the radio on.

“I am booked out for library Nell” I said as we neared it. 

“Come into town for a minute, it is only a two minute walk back” She unclipped her seatbelt “drop us here, I’ll meet you in the café in ten”

We walked in the girls accessory store, the one where all the High-Fields girls spent their allowance. I noted how Nell browsed aimlessly then suddenly homed in on some small thing “you should get a hairband like this with your long hair…how come Matron lets you have a pony?”

“Have had one since I was little” Nell laughed at that and so did I “even littler than I am now…okay? I convinced Matron it was a part of my heritage to wear my hair in a pony”

Nell had picked up a couple of hairbands then a pocket-book which she asked if  I thought it on-trend, I would look that phrase up when I got to the library.

She asked if I liked them then handed them to the cashier. 

“I’ll watch until you go into the library” Nell said as we parted, she handed the bag to me “you’ll need these for school Audrey”

I settled in as usual, selected the physics books I would use on a table in the reference section, opened a new exercise book and took my fountain pen from my backpack. 

Saturdays were always the quietest day, just the click of Eve’s date stamp as she issued novels. I took my pocket-book out, then put my hairband on the book like lots of girls with long hair do before reading.

I went back to examining my pocket book - beneath the window on the back went my school ID card. It opened with a nice click, inside was a compartment for coins, lip balm, several more pockets where cards could be organised. 

I took Miss Forster’s business card from my backpack and slid it in, library cards next, school library… Town library, I paused looking at the photograph. The name on the Town Library card: Barry Green…soon that would be my old name. Dead-name…that was what the book ‘My Son, My Daughter’ called it.

“I said I like to get organised before starting study as well” 

“Sorry Miss Eve, I was lost in thought” I looked back at the library card “I was checking the photo on my card” I waved it at her as if to distract her either away from or towards the hairband that matched my pocket-book “if my name changed I would need a new card?”  

Eve nodded, smiled, I told her about my upcoming ‘second step’, Audrey, the whole thing “Town Library will be second place I would wear my new uniform, on my way home from school” 

 forewarned is forearmed

Eve said she would re-issue my card with a new photograph and any other details that needed updating. “No time like the present”she said

“Has Miss Forster been in?” I asked.

“Your social worker? She has met with Mrs Alder a few times now” Eve said

I slipped my new library card into my pocket-book, opened a book and began to read, paused, took out my new card. I looked at the name, photo, name, photo. It really was me. 

With my hair out of pony, my hairband looked just perfect. I wished the photo showed my skinny jeans and sneakers. Or better still my uniform, I should have waited I told myself. 

At least the head and shoulders shot showed a little of my salmon tee. At least the name said Audrey Green. 

Audrey Green…Audrey Green…Audrey Green… I chanted quietly.

“Nice to see you make time for studies on such a sunny day”

“Mrs Alder” I said louder than intended, had she overheard me I wondered. She began talking about the end of school year exams we still called ‘eleven-plus’ even though they are ‘SATS’ I slipped into student mode saying I was preparing. 

“I noticed you working through some of  the mock exam sheets we keep for seniors, Eve brought some to me that she had graded” Mrs Alder smiled, asked if I enjoyed exams. 

I told her that I did, good fun “way better than chess” - not such a random thing to say as people played chess in the library sometimes.

“Then I would like to offer you a treat, entirely up to you” Mrs Alder explained that someone from a college had offered to set up a series of exams one Saturday, we could ‘make a day of it’ - how about next Saturday if I was free. 

I told her that I would like that, but Jennifer had a boyfriend. She would not want to spend a whole day in the library, and I needed an approved adult to leave High-Fields for that long. I would ask Matron if she could suggest a solution. “Are you sure all that organising exams is not too much trouble Mrs Alder?”

“It is good practise for the adjudicator, you would be helping Mr Werner” Mrs Alder glanced at her watch, the library was due to close.

I walked back to High-Fields slowly, I was wearing my new headband, carrying my new pocket-book, wondered why was the footpath was empty just when I needed to be seen so badly. At least Mrs Alder had seen my new library card…I hoped Miss Forster had told her all about Audrey. 

I could not stop smiling at the idea of someone not from High-Fields using my new name - now that would feel special.

ELEVEN

Mrs Rogers pulled into the driveway and we climbed out. Susan, Fiona and me were invited to tea at Emily’s house and, secretly, to finalise the prank. Fiona was in our class, her young sister June same age as me. I knew June better than Emily from when we were in same class. 

If ten-year-olds had good old times then June and me were talking about them.

Emily’s house was much smaller than Susans, the kitchen counters a little cluttered like a small version of the kitchen at High-Fields - a lived in look Cook called it. 

Emily’s mum made whatever sandwiches we wanted and she had cooked a big sponge cake for us. 

It soon became clear to me that Susan and Fiona only came to tea to use Emily to get what they wanted from June. I tried on June’s old uniform over my trousers. June giggled when her skirt fitted me perfectly. 

“this blazer is a little tight” I said as I pulled a face, “fine for a few minutes”  

as soon as I took it off Susan stuffed the uniform in her back-pack 

“it will only be for a few minutes…right…Susan?” I asked

“Of course, we all laugh at the prank then you go change back” Susan suddenly remembered her ballet lesson as she went to telephone her mum. She said  “Can you ask Emily’s mum for a lift Barry…I mean Audrey, we should get used to calling you that”

“Yes, you should…using someones dead-name is rude” I said with a giggle. Susan looked confused by the term. I sniggered as I thought about lending her ‘My Son, My Daughter’

“I should go as well” Fiona said as she followed Susan down stairs.

I not spoken to Emily much at school, if anything she seemed a little shy, not a Susan or Fiona type. June came into the room asking me rather than her big sister a question about photosynthesis.

“Now you are in my class I forget you two are the same age” Emily said as she listened

“I wish I was still in June’s year, eleven-year-olds can be…” I wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence with eleven-year-old Emily sitting there.

“Catty?” Emily suggested

“That Susan is a real bitch and Fiona is not much better” June said it so fast Emily couldn’t get a hand over her mouth. Emily looked shocked 

Pleased with her success June stepped out of reach and continued “that’s what Mum says spoilt rich…”

Emily finally silenced her sister “Please don’t repeat it to them Barry”

“Why would I? I’m just going along with what they want. Once I do what they want I expect they will drop me. They are not really my friends Em” I said “Sorry, Emily…I have a friend at home we all call Em”

“At High-Fields?” Emily said, I nodded a yes “Em is fine Barry, mum calls me that”

“Audrey is fine Em, good practise for the morning” I said right back, giggled.

June asked questions about what it’s like living with so many children.

“Don’t do it Audrey, the prank I mean” Emily said when her mum had called us from downstairs “June was right, and I think same as Mum. They are going to shorten the uniform so you look like a clown, everyone is in on it”

“Thanks for the warning” I smiled “I’ll act surprised while, at same time, being secretly prepared”

Her mum called up a  second time. She was ready to take me home. Emily and June came for the ride. 

TWELVE

Susan had a friend standing outside the first floor restroom door, pretty much every girl from our year was either in there or nearby. The restroom, less than twenty feet from our home room meant there was little risk of being discovered. They had chosen well. Susan handed me the uniform as she pushed back a cubical door saying hand out the boys uniform. I smiled as I looked at the rough stitching around the skirt hem. I passed my blazer, shirt, trousers, socks and tie under the door. Susan was saying they would keep everything safe in her locker. I passed my underpants that had been in my backpack under the door. I already wore the grey ones for my new uniform. 

“Susan” I called out “where are the uniform underpants” 

“You gave Fiona your underpants?” Susans laughter was joined by several more “you were supposed to wear your own silly girl”

“But this skirt is so short on me Susan, pass mine back” They were all laughing at my predicament as someone said to hurry up. I had everything on apart from my girls cross tie. Leaving the shortened uniform on the toilet seat I opened the door and made my way through the crowd to a mirror. 

“That is NOT the uniform” Susan said with anger in her voice.

“Too short, I told you that Susan, thank goodness I brought one from home that fits” I pulled my pony out of the band, the girls at home were right when they said my straight, just-off shoulder, hairstyle would hold shape, still tuck under after a half hour in a pony.

“Even now I have you standing there with every girl in my year laughing at you, you still think you are so smart” Susan shouted as she saw what I was doing “see how smart you are when you try to find your clothes” With that she stormed off.

A hush fell across the girls, someone said hiding Barrys clothes was not the plan.

“Time to prank, the rest will sort itself out” I called out “you all go out with me hiding in the middle…have I got that right?” 

It sort of pulled everyone together, I declined a final offer of are you sure Barry? We can call Mrs Vandebeer in.

“Audrey, Audrey…everyone, you have to call me Audrey if this is going to work” I said “am I a convincing girl”

“Very” Emily leant in, then spoke quietly “some of us think you have a surprise of your own planned…”

“I’ve been around twenty-to-thirty teenage girls at home practising their manipulating skills since before I could walk Em”

At least he next phase of Susans plan ran the way she wanted. I was sitting at my desk undetected, Mrs Vandebeer introduced Mr West, we would be off-timetable until lunch break while he got to know us. A note arrived from Susan ‘who lost the sissys clothes - she will have to go home like that’ I screwed it up, Susan whispered pass it sissy

Mr West’s eyes flicked across the classroom, the note had already made several passes when he made his move. Mrs Vandebeer was still talking, he stood, walked to the person who had palmed the note and held his hand out. 

As Mrs Vandebeer closed the door to a cacophony of well wishes she looked straight at me then peered back in through the little window in the door. The door handle moved as if she planned to return, instead she walked off. I had been noticed. In preparation for writing I slipped my hairband in. Tom glared again, I mouthed later. 

Mr West seemed nice, spent a few minutes telling us about his personal life, his children, hobbies, that sort of thing “now you all know about me it is your turn. Start with age, any hobbies, if you are married, single, any children and Mrs Vandebeer tells me you have all prepared a few thoughts on any book you are reading”

Mr West either had a sense of humour or was Vskilled in putting people at ease, perhaps both. He worked down the class register “Miss Susan Rogers please”

Susan stood. Eleven. Her book Black Beauty, just the title. She liked Ballet, riding, had a pony, enjoyed holidays abroad especially the Caribbean. 

Unlike Susan most had talked mostly about their books or described in detail a camping trip or some other pastime. From time to time someone would make a little comment, Mr West would allow around three words, perhaps four if the comment were funny. 

The girls were all done, I began to feel nervous as Mr West worked down the boys list D, E, F, I was next. I thought about what Jennifer suggested to calm nerves speak to one person. Speaking held no fear, the line that separated Barry from Audrey was another matter.

I stood as he said “Mr Barry Green” I swallowed and, as uncomfortable as I found eye contact, looked Mr West in the eyes.

“You mean Miss Audrey Green Mr West” Fiona called out, laughter spread.

“How did Audrey get put in with the boys” Susan managed before she began laughing, everyone joined in. Every non-High-Fields child that is.

“Quiet, quiet class…” Mr West shouted, looked at his list to check the name. 

He indicated toward me “please go ahead”

“Audrey Green, nine years, I live at High-Fields with a hundred or so brothers and sisters, around ten of us play a role-play game in the woods at weekends or we read if it is too wet. The book I am reading at the moment is titled My Son, My Daughter” I held the book up but did not pause. Holding eye contact with Mr Green was becoming easier “about a family with a transgender child, who is a girl born into a boys body, I have reached the part in the book where a group of girls in class are ridiculing her. That is as far as I have gotten” I smiled and sat. Tom looked around and gave me a thumbs up.

“Thank you Audrey” Mr West looks back at the register “Mr Alain Hall next”

As the morning progressed I noticed, first, the school secretary then the principals face at the door window. The bell rang, Mr West said “Good start class, have a nice lunch ladies and gentlemen. I will see you all tomorrow”

As we left the classroom the tannoy sprang to life “Audrey Green to Administration Office…Audrey Green to Administration Office…”

My visit to Administration was short, a message to only use staff restrooms with immediate effect, the receptionist gave a little shrug as she handed me a folded note then added either restroom, wherever feels comfortable. 

“Could you telephone my social worker for me please?” I said

“No need, Miss Forster is in a meeting with the Principal” did I want to leave a message?

I did “please ask Miss Forster not to meet me outside school today” I decided I should give a reason, I held my arms out slightly “if she does everyone will think I have done something wrong”

Audrey Green Revised School Rules the note read…a list of new rules…I liked rules nearly as much as lists.

Lunch could not have worked out worse, everyone was already seated, the canteen fell silent as I walked to the counter. I chose my lunch slowly, voices slowly replaced the silence. I chose an empty table, Tom gave a little wave as I began to eat.

As people began to leave Emily paused, said “awesome” and was gone. 

I arrived as everyone was filing into lesson, algebra (a favourite), before the class settled teacher said Audrey, Fiona, Susan, principals office. 

They whispered together, I followed at what I considered a safe distance.

We stood in a line in-front of his desk. The principal opened a folder, signed something, picked up another folder…

I sniggered, he looked angry and asked what I found so funny. I said “the faux paperwork, ignoring us in an attempt to increase our feeling of anxiety before you speak”

“Thank you for the psychology lesson Professor Green, as you are so knowledgable please explain what happened this morning”

His sarcasm was not lost on me, but Professor Green did have a ring to it. I condensed events into a two minute explanation, “summing up, the three of us are all guilty of misconduct in one way or another. Each of us both perpetrator and victim. I suggest we apologise to each other and put this morning behind us”

Miss Forster must have gotten my message, she was waiting at High-Fields, smiled when I said I had to visit Town Library to renew a book on the way home.  

THIRTEEN

I filled in my name, destination ’Town Library’ leaving 09:15 due back 18:30, Mrs Alder in the log-book and walked out. I wanted to wear my uniform so badly but who does that on a Saturday? 

She was already waiting in her car and began talking about the mocks as she called them. 

All good fun and just like in a real exam Mr Werner was adjudicator. He was a teacher from Grenfeld School. Everyone had heard of it, a school where parents paid lots of money for their children to go.

My first test paper was face down, Mr Werner told me how long I had to complete the paper. I filled in Audrey Green and wasted a few minutes enjoying just how good it looked on the form. Harder than the senior SATS mocks I had tried yet still questions I could answer. When I handed my paper in Mr Werner said ‘time for a break’ even though he had been sitting doing nothing.

Mrs Alder reminded me I still had plenty of time to check my answers “no rush”

“I checked as I went” I said before I took a hit from my water bottle “can you ask Mr Werner if we can hurry up please”

“If that is what you want” 

It was, I finished the last paper around 2pm after some discussion as to lunch break or work through. I championed work through, there was nearly two whole weeks allowance in my pocket book. Possessions are of no importance to me but some of the girls at home suggested a green hairband and slide would look good against my black hair… 

I finally told Mrs Alder the reason for my urgency”and there is a little ankle chain I’ve seen…” she smiled, nodded.

“Lunch at my house?” She offered “after we shop of course”

“Emily and June live there, they are at my school” I said as we drove slowly along the road. 

Mrs Alder stopped at the house a couple of doors further on “and Fiona lives next door, do you know her as well?”

I had assumed Fiona lived in a big house like Susan. Mrs Alder called her husband Dave, said I could as well. I said I would but called him Mr Alder, nothing more was said about names. Lunch they called it but it was dinner, fish, potatoes and vegetables all cooked fresh in minutes. She said “Dave and I hoped you would visit” as if I was an invited guest. Perhaps I was in a way.

Dr Wilkinson came one evening, about 2 weeks after T.Day (Transition Day) as I had named it in my journal. As what we talked about was covered by Doctor / Patient confidentiality I named people involved in the classroom event. Susan was still unfriendly, even more so since I started calling her Tino. Dr Wilkinson let a little smile escape when I told him Tino was an initialism for This Is Not Over, a phrase she repeated whenever we passed in the hall. 

I was sleeping well, did not have any regrets, he seemed happy then asked any worries?

“Same old one Dr Wilkinson, puberty creeping up on me” I was not ready to ask.

“I’ll take bloods before we finish up” He said equally not ready to offer explanation.

Over a fortnight had passed, the ‘mocks’ had not been mentioned. To be fair I had not spoken to Mrs Alder and Eve had not mentioned them. 

Miss Forster brought the subject up, I had ‘done well’ she said, the local college ran the real exams for people who needed to re-take them during school summer holidays, asked if would I like to take the exams.

“That sounds fun” I said then asked if Mrs Alder would be feeding me again. Miss Forster laughed “the food that good?” 

I laughed and nodded.

Miss Forster wanted to talk to me about that, the exams were early evening over the course of a week. She could try to sort funding for transport, a taxi perhaps, or I could stay the week with the Alders. “My decision” she said

I knew exam fees, taxi fares etc. would cost. Budgets as High-Fields were always tight “sounds expensive, who would pay for all of that?” 

Grenfeld School

“Grenfeld…wow…they must be richy rich rich. I like Mr and Mrs Alder, but staying there for a week is scary, leaving here for a week is scary, I’ll miss everyone”

“I understand some of your school friends live close to them so you wouldn’t be completely alone with adults…and I will visit…think it over” Miss Forster leant over and gave me a little hug “initial thoughts about the exams?”

“Where will I sleep?” I asked. I meant would not will, Miss Forster did not notice - no damage done.

She told me she had inspected the house, I could have a bedroom to myself. I liked Em and June plus Fiona was nicer now when Tino was not around. “Going away for a week sounds like the sort of adventure the Audrey in the Avengists books would rush into bravely. So it is yes please Miss Forster” 

Someone, I forget who, heard I was staying away for a week, asked if I was being fostered. I hadn’t even thought that, but I was now. By now I mean 3am when I could think of nothing else. 

I mean who would want a transgender nine-year-old? I was being silly I tried telling myself. 

Not listening to my own advice I sneaked down to Matron’s office, dialled Miss Forster’s telephone numbers and left messages to ring me.

What if High-Fields would not let me back I wondered.

Miss Forster arrived after Matron came on duty at 07:00 by which time Matron had mopped my tears, even shown me her ledger. It was there, in ink, just like a library book. 

I was booked out for seven days.

I Apologised to Miss Forster and Matron for making such a fuss after Miss Forster explained that as I was so settled at High-Fields, as much a part of the furniture as Matron she said, I would not be fostered unless I wanted that, “This is not a prison, if you agree with an approved family, or when you are older, want to live in college halls I am here to help. No secret evictions, I promise”

FOURTEEN

Matron called me from lunch “Dr Wilkinson on the telephone” This was new, he must have smelt my fear down the line when he opened with nothing to worry about. Why does everyone do that. Now I was worried.

My bloods came back fine, he had prescribed puberty blocking medication which Matron would supervise. Barely time to thank him before the line went dead.

So much happening I had forgotten about clothes for what everyone now called, after the night of panic attack, my holiday. 

No longer interested in lunch I set off in search of Nurse. On the boys side Matron issued casual clothing vouchers, girls side it was Nurse who issued them. I had a list of rules that applied girls side that included not using toilets, wandering around the halls, or dormitories. I sat outside her office reading, the list of rules acting as bookmark.

It was not just a clothing voucher I wanted, I had a medical problem. I asked for the voucher, she filled in the details as I listed my needs; summer dress, skirt, white blouse, shorts, flip-flops, swimming costume. “Nurse…I think wearing a swimming costume might be a bad idea” She glanced up, an eyebrow raised “it will show my penis”

Nurse was a professional, indicated with her finger “just tuck it back under, you could choose a costume bottom with a frill if you like that style”

Nell was very patient, swapping out clothes as I picked out things that were like girls in town wore. High-Fields clothing store was brilliant, so much choice, smart but not so new that it would look like Audrey had no history. “Everything has to be back the day you return” Nell said as she handed me a pen “sign here please”

Mr and Mrs Alder both came to collect me. Matron took them aside, issued seven tablets in a little plastic bottle. Then to my surprise she gave me a hug, first ever “you have a nice time”

With a week of home cooking and exams how could I not? I kept that inside just managing a brief  “I’ll miss you Matron” before she had to hurry off.  I said  “so busy” to no-one in particular.

The bedroom I chose was small, same size as June’s room. I was given the choice of both spare rooms, one too big the other just right. My window looked out over the garden, Fiona was out there with a cat, she looked up, I waved and smiled, then she did right back at me. Miss Forster was right, I would be fine.

I tried to emulate the way girls at home behaved by changing out of skinny jeans and tee into a dress as soon as I had unpacked. The kitchen door was shut, I knocked, Mrs Alder opened the door. She said I should not knock, well, perhaps on their bedroom door if it were shut tight. When I asked about the rules she looked puzzled “like bed time, time to get up, where I am allowed to go…”

“There are not any rules” she added a rising infliction to rules.

To answer her implied question I opened the book I had in my hand, took out my rule list and showed her “this sort of thing, so I fit in with your routines”

“Well…Dave showers around 06:00, has coffee then catches the 06:39 train to the city. If you could leave the bathroom free for him that would be good…and that is about it” She added water to the kettle “I can shower anytime, I am off all week, do you prefer tea or coffee?”

One of those awkward silences began so I thought how Mr West put us at ease on his first day

“I was a foundling” I began, I can remember Matron bottle feeding me in the up to two-year-old nursery. Mrs Alder began asking questions. I worked in that Miss Forster became my social recently and seems really nice. 

“Do you call everyone by their surname, all the time?” Mrs Alder asked.

“Everyone over fifteen, except when the teens are at home, not everyone at High-Fields does, I do because I am nine and follow the rules in my etiquette for children book”

“Then I have a house rule for you” She smiled “I would like you to call me Penny. Penny and Dave. Is that okay?”

“Okay” I answered putting off using her given name. There was a knock at the door. Penny went to open the door and called it’s for you Audrey. I recognised the voice, June asking if I would like to go to theirs for tea. “Please wait here, I will check” Penny was back at the breakfast bar “Mrs Smith, June’s mother, has invited me to tea what should I say?”

A smile spread across Penny’s face as she walked me to the door “will Tino be there?” She asked June who burst into fits of laughter eventually managing a no “then, Audrey, I think you should accept”

“How did Mrs Alder know about Susan’s nickname” I asked as we walked to her house. June told me all Mums gossip. “Hi, Mrs Smith I said as I kicked off my street shoes.

“Go tell Em Audrey is here, come through Audrey” it was her way to engineer a time alone “Em is really sorry over her part in…”

I knew full-well how rude it is to interrupt an adult, especially one I barely knew, but I did anyway. She smiled as I said if anything I should be thanking Em and June for helping my plan work so well. Right on cue Em and June burst in. The kitchen was full of dinner smells, the hunger inducing equal of what Penny had cooked the first time I visited.

“You will stay? I’ll phone Penny” Mrs Smith said as she picked up the phone. I knew we needed to leave for my exam at 6pm and glanced at the clock 4pm, Mrs Smith was talking to me “sorted Audrey, Penny said it would take your mind off of tonight”

Em called me a superstar and giggled as we ate “Audrey is nine and is taking her A levels” Em told her dad.

Mr Smith was one of those jolly people, always laughing at every excuse. My exam was yet another reason for a bout of laughing. I liked Mr Smith a lot but felt a little uneasy around him, a picture flashed through my mind - me, wearing my summer dress with a beard just like him. A panic was coming on, I closed my eyes and saw Matron giving me my morning tablet. 

“Something wrong dear?” His big hand touched my forearm.

I opened my eyes “sorry, exam nerves” I lied. Exam nerves…right…like being nervous of vanilla ice cream?

We drove to the community college - both Penny and Dave for support they said as if it was like getting a tetanus shot or something. Inside I liked it though, and liked it even more when Penny gave me a kiss on the head before I walked into the exam room. I looked back Dave had his arm around Penny, they were smiling.

I waved across the exam room at a boy, well more a man I mean, who I recognised from High-Fields ages ago. On the wall was a big clock, its tic, tic, tic, the only sound apart from pen on paper, I remembered Dave’s advice in the car; go slow, take my time, easy ones first, show workings, hard ones next, read through twice, and do not be first to leave.

My sitting there, waiting, for seventeen minutes seemed to have attracted the attention of the adjudicator. Finally. A chair scraped across the room - the ex-High-Fields boy/man whose name eluded me. I followed him out.

“Where do I know you from?” He asked 

“High-Fields, I was Barry back when you were there” Penny and Dave sat opened mouthed “now I am Audrey, sorry I have forgotten your name”

“Everyone calls me Munch now…bitch of an exam or what?”

“Really hard, anyway, good to see you Munch” 

Dave and Penny kept the conversation on what I wanted to do during my holiday, that subject exhausted I asked about what I was allowed to do between waking and Penny getting up. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted as long as it was in the house or garden. I could watch television, turn on radio, take books from the shelf. 

Dave made tea, finally they asked about the exam “you found the questions hard?”

I remembered what they had overheard “as easy as the mocks, Munch did not need me to brag about how easy it was” I said, Penny told me I was thoughtful. That felt good. Bedtime was 21:00 at home, in this house of anarchy there was no time for bed. I washed up my cup and said I was off to bed, Penny asked if I brushed my teeth then asked where my brush was. “In my wash-bag, that’s where we keep them” I laughed then shared the thought “can you imagine a mug with twenty or thirty brushes…the arguments…”

They both laughed, there were only two brushes, plenty of space for a third if that was easier for me.

“June wants to come over” Penny called out “that okay?”

I was reading. It was fine, as much as I like Em there is a massive difference between being a nine and eleven-year-old where hanging out is concerned. I felt embarrassed yet, at the same time, grown-up answering the door. The day already warm June had shorts, tee and sneakers on ready for the heat of midday. My skinny jeans already felt too hot, I would change into shorts later. She gave me a little hug then walked past me, waved toward Penny. 

“Shoes June” I said using the usual pre-teen finger point to indicate where her shoes were. June looked at her shoes and shrugged her shoulders “street shoes go in the rack” I did the point again toward my own bare-feet, said “ta-da”

She laughed. “You are so funny” kicked her shoes off “what shall we do? Show me your room”

“My things are in the same room you have” I called out as I ran after her. June stopped at the open door looking at the layout, her bravado spent she waited to follow me in. I sat on the bed then asked “what first?” 

“Can I look around?” I nodded. Getting braver she added “in the closet as well?”

I laughed, she was suddenly so shy, a little like Em. “Right…you are the burglar, the house is empty, you are looking for my treasure…” 

We played the cold, warm, colder, warmer, hot searching game. I think it was her first time. She asked lots of questions, about everything, looked through my wash-bag, books, the book on my bedside. 

I was only a few pages into Robinson Crusoe, the only book that looked new. A point not missed by June’s sharp eyes. I explained that I had borrowed the book from Mrs Alder.

“Mrs Alder? You talk so funny sometimes”

“It is good manners for children when referring to adults in third person by their family name” I said. I suspected Penny would be close by, monitoring just as Matron did with new children. 

June had a flood of questions, I wondered if I had ever been like that, she was in need of milk and cookies she said. We whispered about asking, I thought she should, June disagreed.

I walked downstairs “June is thirsty, can she have some milk please”

June had Robinson Crusoe in her hand when she came into the kitchen. Two small glasses of milk and a cookie each sat on the breakfast bar “we could read some of this next”

Both of us fitted into the armchair next to the glass doors, the book held between us. Page one. June warned she was a slow reader, would I mind keep waiting for her to catch up. 

Even though I was too young to be a reader I secretly read to the pre-schoolers. Not really secretly, Matron and Nurse turned a blind eye.

Those who could read some-times had lazy days, and friends sometimes manipulated each other in a nice way…Chapter One: Robinsons family… I began to read aloud. 

FIFTEEN

The telephone rang while Penny was making pastry “can you get that…”

I had never actually answered a telephone, but I knew how the first telephone call was initiated.

“Ahoy” I said loudly into the telephone.

The telephone call was for me, another first. I listened, the caller paused, my turn “this is Audrey Green, I am answering from the hallway of Mr and Mrs Alder’s house…” I paused. Miss Forster had arranged to visit me during my stay at the Alder’s house, she was busy, would this telephone call suffice, could we meet when I returned to High-Fields? 

“Yes” I said and hung up.

Penny and Dave were laughing, I had heard them during the telephone conversation. They calmed, I explained the reason for Miss Forster’s telephone call. “What did she say to make you say all that about where you were?” Dave asked.

“She said ‘this is Miss Forster calling from my car in the supermarket car park’…what was I supposed to say?” 

Dave explained that very few people had telephones in their car, it was a status thing to make sure the person called knew the call came from a car phone.

“She won’t try that on our Audrey again” Penny said. Dave stared at her, “need the toilet” she said as she rushed out, fingers covered in flour. 

That was the first time anyone had used ‘our’ to make it sound like I belonged to them. More I thought about it the better I liked it.

Mid-week there was an exam free evening, Dave took the day off work and we went to the Zoo near the city, June came with us. I quietly began reading Robinson Crusoe to June. Dave turned off the radio and asked me to speak up so that everyone could listen. We had passed halfway and would easily finish the book before I went back to High-Fields. 

I paused reading at a point where Robinson was missing his home.

Penny took advantage of my pause and asked who had taught me to read aloud, I told them about Jennifer, how she read so much when I was a pre-schooler I ended up with her accent. Dave laughed, said they had wondered about my posh accent. Laughed in a nice way I mean.

June and I slept on the way back, looking at animals was surprisingly tiring. Dave carried June into her house even though she was partly awake. Penny said he would carry me in but that felt…well strange enough to fully wake me. June had flopped into Dave’s arms as if she liked it, perhaps expected it even. But then she belonged in this world.

I was too tired to be hungry, bed was all I wanted even though it was still light outside. Perhaps that is why I was awake so early. I sat at the big dining table, the house had what Penny called a kitchen/diner. We ate breakfast at the breakfast bar and, well you get the idea.

Dave was moving about upstairs, I switched the coffee drip on for him, put out his travel mug and took his lunch from the fridge. I was back writing an essay in my notebook when he came in “good morning Dave” he mock-jumped as I spoke, asked what I was writing “essay about our day at the zoo, for school but first for reading to friends at High-Fields” 

“Only a few more days before you see all your mates again” Dave said as he poured coffee “Penny might ask if you want to stay a while longer, just thought I would give you a heads-up” before I could speak he picked up his backpack “time, tide, and the 06:39 wait for no man” and was gone.

“Bye Dave” I called after him.

“Would you rather stay with June and Emily or come with me?” Penny asked, she had to pop into the library, some work thing she said, only take a few minutes. She really did not know me. 

“Library please” I said, there was a young mums morning Penny warned, I will hardly hear them from reference section she said. I was liking the sound of this and began digging deeper, how many mums, how old were the children, what did they do? I was feeling a little home-sick I guess. 

“Can I take a turn at reading?” I asked as we walked along. First time Penny held my hand as we crossed a road it felt strange, embarrassing, made my ears hot. Second time not so much, then I got to liking it, then I got to not letting go. 

Penny smiled “sure, Eve will like to hear how well you read aloud. You have been invited to a birthday party Saturday, Tabitha Parks” when I asked where that was Penny went into a full on laugh, had stop walking “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you Audrey”

Tabitha Parks was not a place, she was a person, daughter of the owner of Parks Executive Hire. Her dad wanted to meet me Penny said, he was on the board of governors of Grenfeld School

“He wants to meet the nine-year-old genius” Penny said as we waited traffic “you know we are…well, everyone I mean, is so proud of you”

There it was again, that little hint of ownership. I asked how old Tabitha was. Thirteen. “She won’t want me hanging around among her senior school friends”

I said even though I desperately wanted to meet someone named Tabitha. Penny was reassuring, Emily and June are going as well. “Is Fiona going?” 

She shook her head “not unless you invite her” 

“I expect Em would like a friend her own age”

“I will speak to Mr Parks, you invite Fiona” The library was like a place I had never been to, strollers filled the foyer, bean-bags and sleep pads covered the floor of the childrens section. Penny asked Eve to let me read a story then slipped into her office.

I found the The Three Little Pigs on the shelf, it is favourite, I had read it to so many pre-schoolers that I knew it word perfect. Some children had already fallen asleep, some barely listened, some sat upright, one of the mums read a story I did not recognise. 

It felt good to sit down, so many small faces looking at me. The fable, even with my enactments, only takes a few minutes. Someone said again, I was straight back into it, Penny tapped her wrist as I neared the end.

I knocked on Fiona’s door as soon as we arrived at…well I did not know quite how to define Penny and Dave’s house, I sort of belonged there for now. Home, I tested home in my head. That felt disloyal to High-Fields, I tried holiday home, that felt wrong. Second home. That felt comfortable. Second home, second home, second… I repeated in my head until the door opened.

“Second home?” Fiona said.

I blushed “I was practising a phrase for a story I’m writing” I lied, I was getting good at this “would you like to come to a party, Tabitha, family name Parks” I did not want to get into the whole person/place fiasco again.

“Why? You must hate me after what me and Tino did to you” Fiona said, I sniggered “we had a big fall out, okay? And how do you know Tabitha, family name Parks?

I listed the reasons. Verbal lists are one of my specialities. Did not hate her, she was Em’s friend, I like her cat, Fiona was smiling, and you owe me for rescuing you from detention following your ill conceived prank. 

Fiona laughed “I cannot believe you got an invite to THE summer event and now I am going as well”

SIXTEEN

Friday, the day of my last exam, Penny said we needed to do a food-shop and asked how it worked at High-Fields, laughed saying we must need thousands of carriers. I laughed along, said I had never been food shopping and that food arrived in a truck from the wholesale.

 

“We are going with June’s Mum, share a car” Penny said. I watched as Em and June put things in their Mum’s trolly. Em needed a new swimsuit her Mum said. Em dug her elbow into my side as she browsed, her mum passing judgement on each one she held up. 

“Red one looks good with your blonde hair” I said then blushed. I looked down, I had not been asked for my opinion. June saved me by agreeing then adding get it Em.

Em put the red one in the trolly and continued to browse, held up a blue suit in one hand, an identical black one in the other “this style would work for June Mum” she smiled “Blue for June, what do you think about the matching black one for Audrey Mrs Alder?”

“Do you like it Audrey?” Penny asked.

We ate at a pizza restaurant after my last exam, the kitchen was right there, in full view, the chef spun the pizza dough right up close to the ceiling. I was not expecting June to ask the question Dave had mentioned right there, where strangers could hear. We were talking about the exams when, just like in a television drama, Penny slipped in “Dave and I have enjoyed you staying with us, the house won’t seem quite the same without you”

When the waiter spoke to us I was ‘your daughter’ and Penny and Dave ‘your parents’ at first, judging by our blushes, we must have all found it embarrassing, now I liked the idea we might look like a family to him.

“What Penny means is would you like to stay longer?” Dave said.

I said I did without a seconds hesitation even though inside I was missing High-Fields. I was mid-bite-taking “how would that work with me on school break and you back at work next week Penny?”

June and Fiona’s mums would look after me during the day or I could go to the library. “The library…I could be there as much as I want?” 

Penny nodded “you can walk there from home”

“Without a fifteen-plus?” They both nodded, I was mature enough. “When you say longer how long do you mean?”

“How about the rest of the summer?” Dave said.

“Or open ended, you could stay as long as you like” Penny said, Dave nodded. 

“You might need to go back Sunday night as arranged”  Penny said “for a few days” 

I mentioned a meeting with Miss Forster was scheduled, I was due to see Dr Wilkinson.

The three of us shopped again Saturday morning, in town this time. Dave jokily said if the mayor walked around town not as many people would know him. 

“Nine years at High-Fields you get to know a few people, there are around a hundred beds there you know”

Penny insisted I could not go to the Parks house unless I wore new everything adding they are very posh and I could leave them in my closet ready for when I come home.

I had already guessed anyone who had their own swimming pool would be wealthy. 

And I did not know what a board of governors was but it sounded like the sort of thing someone with lots of money and a swimming pool would do.

I was hungry when we left home, a minibus arrived to take the six of us, Penny, Dave and I plus June, Em and Fiona. The other parents were not invited, gifts not required.

Tabitha’s party was around the pool, her parents had a buffet in the house for adults, I assumed a building that size still qualified to be called a house.

Penny and Dave said hello to Mr Parks as we arrived, he said hello, knew my name, said could he steal me away for a moment. 

“Would Miss Forster agree to that?” I said toward Dave. He nodded.

“Who is Miss Forster” Mr Parks asked as we talked. I explained who she was and how she fitted into my ward-of-court status. Mr Parks looked up “here he comes”

I stood, said “Hello Mr Werner” as he joined us.

“Of course, I was forgetting that you two know each other” Mr Parks said. Mr Werner asked if I had enjoyed the A-level exams I had taken.

“You can expect favourable results Audrey, very favourable” Mr Werner said, stood “let me take you out to meet Tabitha”

I had expected all the children to be in the pool, screeches of delight filling the air. Reality was small groups of teenagers dotted around the paved areas, a buffet and soft music.

“Tabitha, let me introduce Audrey” Mr Werner said acting even more formally than seemed usual for him. I was beginning to see how he would make a jolly good role model. He walked away leaving the group of teenagers looking down at me. 

I anticipated someone named Tabitha would be wearing a princess dress and tiara but she was, to my disappointment, ordinary. Well, apart from her bikini having a label stitched to the band and her flip-flops having a sparkle she was just like any other teenager.

“Hi Audrey, this is…” she reeled off everyones names so fast I missed them “I hear you may be coming to Grenfeld next term”

“We go to Town Senior School from High-Fields” 

“Have I jumped the gun…Aid, can you fill Audrey in?”

Aid guided me to a bench said he was a sixth-former, his dad was on the board of governors and explained Grenfield was going to offer a scholarship, not a charity thing you understand, the school would get way more than my fees in the way of grants and donations for having a nine-year-old, A level student as part of the team” He smiled “well done on the A’s by the way”

“Thanks Aid” My mind was racing, Aid was waiting for some smart reply from me. All I managed was “why is the pool empty, are we not allowed to swim?”

“Teenagers are pretending to be all grown up is all” He smiled “why don’t you show them how to get a pool party started”

The sun was high in the sky, I was still hot from the ride. Spotting June I wandered over, lifted my sundress over my shoulders, shook off my new flip-flops, enjoyed the way my ankle chain shone “ready?”

June was out of her dress in a heartbeat, our hands met, we ran, we screamed as we hit the water.

“Pool parties are the best” I said to Penny that night when she tucked me in like a pre-schooler and kissed my forehead.

SEVENTEEN

“When did you say I can come back?” I asked Dave when he stopped outside High-Fields just to make sure I could go back. I wanted to ask when can I come home, but I was not feeling brave enough to use the ‘home’ word. And I did not want to be disloyal to High-Fields. 

Matron and I had our longest ever talk, news must have arrived while I was away, she knew all about Grenfeld School. I will be the first High-Fields girl there she said, called me a role-model. I had a lot to think about, I needed advice, I needed Jennifer, I needed time to enjoy Matron calling me a High-Fields girl. 

For the first time Matron left her office while I spoke to Jennifer. 

Miss Forster said it would be best to finalise school before I went back to the Alders. She set up a meeting with Principal Epps.

Now I had chosen my school and where I would live Miss Forster repeated her tips even though we both knew I had them written in my journal.

Life was changing at such a speed I was having trouble just keeping up, instead of staying with Penny and Dave for the rest of summer I would be living with them, permanently. 

Leaving High-Fields and all my friends was scary, I had known no other home and never thought about how families lived. Having tried it out for a week I knew it was right for me, just as I was certain Grenfeld would be the right school for me. If nothing else, for the plaid box-pleat skirts that look so smart with a royal blue blazer.

Walking the halls of an empty school felt strange, decorators were in some areas. The school secretary showed us the library, I looked at Penny, we smiled.

Tour over we walked to the Principals office, me a little slower, dragging a little behind. I ran to catch up, slid my hand into Penny’s, we exchanged a gentle squeeze.

Principal Epps spoke to me not Miss Forster, Dave, or Penny, he asked me if I had any concerns. Jennifer and Matron had given me guidance about this meeting. I had the list in my head. 

“Cost of transport, school uniform, and textbooks are main areas where I have concerns” I said 

The school would cover all costs, I would get an allowance, travel in with Tabitha and one other first year student. 

I mentioned Physical Ed in relation to my dislike of competitive sports. 

“Physical Ed is compulsory in every school”  Principal Epps said

“Could I specialise in track please, and how would shower and changing work out?”

Principal Epps said “Coach has already suggested Track, he will take care of details”

“Toilets?” I asked as I neared the end of my mental list. Principal Epps looked puzzled. “Male or female?”

Principal Epps smiled, “I doubt the boys would want you using their facilities”

Miss Forster had told me earlier the school was fully aware of my needs. But I needed it direct from the horses mouth.

I had arrived in Miss Forster’s car. 

I was going home with my foster mum and dad.